I used to dance
the way some girls cry
and some girls lie
to get out of that mess
of always feeling like less
than they're actually worth.
And now I can't forget
the time he watched
and completely botched
that simple hello
because I simply said no
but he didn't listen.
And it's unnerving to me
that my "no" wasn't enough
and then he got rough
because he wanted to have me
and he refused to see
I wasn't his to have.
Now I don't dance
I need to feel protected
and momentarily connected
to whoever happens to be there
I convince myself they care
but then I met you
And you held me for real
and I started to feel
like I wanted to dance again.
Jan 28, 2016
Jan 28, 2016 at 3:33 AM UTC
I thought I forgot.
though that
what you did
didn't effect me
but now
a year later
anxiety grips my breath
and suddenly
1 year 2 months 3 days
later and the words
tumble out of my mouth
in the car
to a stranger
and I tell her
the way you
fed me a pill
and another drink
and asked
but I said no
and you didn't listen
and my clothes
were on the floor
and I couldn't move
my breath was gone
the same way
it is today
has been for
1 year 2 months 3 days
and I cry every time
I make love
to a beautiful man
with stars in his eyes
when he looks at me
and I never understood
why and he would
hold me, shush me
pet my hair and ask
what he did wrong
but it wasn't him
it was you
1 year 2 months 3 days
ago you took my
clothes off
took my breath
and left me
a mess to be
cleaned up
and its been so long
and all this time
I never knew
you took more from me
than my clothes
and my good time
that night
you took my
peace of mind
my carefree attitude
and left me
breathless
broken
1 year 2 months 3 days
later.
Oct 21, 2015
Oct 21, 2015 at 7:51 PM UTC
since the age
I became a woman
and my hips widened
to welcome
future children
they told me
"lose 5 pounds."
they said
"you will feel healthier"
"be happier"
"look better"
but I felt, was, looked
just fine.
but the words
never stopped
and they seeped
deep into my brain
and I believed
every word.
so I stopped
eating carbs
and then anything
with a calorie
because I was told
calories make me
unhealthy, bad, worse.
and they say
"you look so healthy!"
"so happy!"
"so much better!'
but actually
I am dying
I cry in the bathroom
***** on my chin.
but my jeans
sling low on my hips
held up by shoestrings
and sharp angled bones
and my bras gap
over my deflated *******
like before
I reached the age
where I became a woman.
Oct 20, 2015
Oct 20, 2015 at 11:32 PM UTC
turn on the shower
hot, hot, hot,
unbraid my hair on the scale
119.9, 2 less than friday,
too much
for my 5 foot tall body.
sit on the shower floor
breathe in only steam,
rest my chin
lipstick marks on my knees
like blood.
my roommate's dark hair
tethered in the grooves of the shower floor,
sweeps back and forth
I twirl it around my finger
force it down the drain.
stand up
too fast, too fast, too fast,
dizzy
sit back down,
try again.
orange face wash
to keep my skin bright
washes away perfectly sculpted
cheek bones and nose
lips pale pink,
I bite them.
charcoal scrub
to clean out pores
blackheads are no good
only smooth skin
will do.
purple shampoo
to keep my hair blonde
purple conditioner
blonder, softer
gentle waves.
pink razor
removes unladylike hair
soft, delicate,
for surface use only
don't cut, don't cut, don't cut.
coffee scrub
to lighten scars
soften stretch marks,
eliminating the reminders
of what my skin,
my body,
has been through.
face in the water,
wash away my tears,
naked face like a child
wet hair dripping down my back
hands and feet pruned.
turn off the shower
twist my hair in a towel
soften skin with lotion,
coconut
boyfriends favorite.
vaseline lips
soft, kissable, desirable,
float to bed
the sheets are clean,
folded in the laundry basket
on the floor.
Mar 16, 2015
Mar 16, 2015 at 10:44 PM UTC
the words cling to my teeth
hold on to my tongue
never letting go,
never letting me go.
the words
that would set me free
and lock you up
behind bars, rotting
the way you deserve to.
but these are the words
I could never utter aloud
to anyone who would listen.
I could never tell my mother
I was drinking that night
alone with older boys
that I accepted the drugs
he handed to me,
seemingly so kind.
I could never let my father hear
how he touched me,
how a man so much older
took my clothes from my body
and touched me in a way
no one gets to touch me.
and so the words sit
inside me
choking me
slowly gripping my thoughts
filling my mind
with swarming bees
and my mouth with blood
the metallic taste
of what he did to me.
I could never tell
anyone who would listen
anyone who could help
I can never tell
I will never tell
I will never say the words.
Dec 26, 2014
Dec 26, 2014 at 3:32 PM UTC
No matter how many boys
I bring into my bed,
None of them are you
And you're not coming back.
I miss you every day
And I secretly pretend
That the other boys are you
Closing my eyes,
Imagining yours.
Sometimes, *** is just ***
As it usually seems to be
But with you,
It was love.
May 2, 2014
May 2, 2014 at 12:28 AM UTC
I did it again
the thing I said
I would never do.
I dropped the heavy bottle
on the razor blade
and crushed it
pulled the small blades out
separated them
one by one
and then separated my skin
pulling the cells apart
watching blood drip
my legs covered
my hips a canvas
on which I carve my pain.
Apr 17, 2014
Apr 17, 2014 at 9:42 PM UTC
Am I the only one
who feels this way?
Like my stomach
is coming up through my mouth
and my mind is buzzing
the black words swarming
like bees behind my eyes
and in my mouth
and the words won't come
because you are the only one
I can say them too.
Why can't I talk to you?
I need you to tell me
that you feel the same things
and that your heart is going to explode
that your mind won't turn off
the thoughts of me.
And your clothes sit
at the foot of my bed
and I struggle with thoughts
of both keeping and returning them.
Last night I gave back your jacket-
the one that used to smell like you
and now smells like
stale smoke from my cigarettes
with broken pieces of tobacco
lining the pockets-
I threw it at you
insisting you take it
even though you
wanted me to have it
and I didn't mean to
but if you let me
I would have held on to it forever
and slept in its embrace
pretending it was yours
but I don't want to pretend.
I want to wake up
next to you every morning
and kiss you awake
and rub your back to sleep
every night.
Why did you take that away from me?
From us?
I want to run to you
to tell you this,
to tell you how I feel,
so I can know
if you feel the same way.
Mar 12, 2014
Mar 12, 2014 at 10:31 AM UTC