Hey. I know it's been too long, and I should write more, but when the thought of you sits heavy in my chest like dark water, it's hard. I'm sat on the floor of my room. I can hear faint echoes of music rising from the floor below me. And. For a second, I'm back walking up to him at the steps of the old Salvation Army. This boy from my film class who I hardly even know, but he smiles like starlight and it sends me spinning. My heart beating itself into my throat. With such ferocity that I fear I might choke. On it, on my feelings. So I swallow hard and bite my tongue and smile. He looks at me and I think he knows what I'm hiding. Because that hug seems to last a lifetime,
His laughter echoes around the hallowed halls of my empty bedroom. His smile spreading so wide, That in my mind. It threatens to shatter his cheekbones. In my mind, I'm back at the pier. Head on his shoulder, Trailing my fingers like spiders legs up his chest.
His name is the only thing which made the alphabet matter to me,
Counting out the syllables of his name. Like " Hail Marys ". Like prayer beads, like a god might actually be listening to me. But. Every time we sit on the phone together. He's always so patient.
You gathered up all the shattered shards of my broken glass heart. And helped me to sticky tape it back together again. You gave me the space to open up. And as we sat there. Sifting through the memories. I'd find an embarrassing one. As soon as I'd show it to you. You would say " I'd have done it too ".
Sometimes. Sometimes I look up at the stars and I really hope you can see me right now. We both know neither of us ever believed in an afterlife but right now, while he's holding my hand, and making me laugh, I hope you can see. I hope you're smiling because lord knows I miss your smile.
He makes me so happy, like a million tissue paper butterflies fluttering in my chest, like my world stops spinning. Like he scooped my heart out of my chest and told me he'd keep it safe. And before you get all protective, he is keeping it safe.
When I walk with him, at night, when nothing but the stars are watching over our love. The comforting hum of his breath. Buried deep within his chest. Like a subway train pulling into the station.
As we walked past that takeaway. His face is drenched in blue neon light and it just about looks like a halo if I squint hard enough. And for a second, I believe we are both holy and divine.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record,
I love him,
I love him,
I love him.
Aug 4, 2022
Aug 4, 2022 at 5:03 PM UTC
Meet me in the afterglow,
When the soft sun sets on sandy beaches,
Cerulean blue sea water, filtering through pebbles,
Meet me in the afterglow,
In some quaint American suburban town,
Where you can speed down roads lit by neon diner signs,
Which drip their colours onto the rain-soaked pavement,
Leaning out of the windows,
Wind in our hair,
Meet me in the afterglow.
Jul 9, 2021
Jul 9, 2021 at 1:56 PM UTC
I never really had a favourite colour until I met her,
And when she said hers was red,
And that was when red became mine too,
Because now I see her in every sunset,
Every time I pick a wild strawberry,
I can feel her holding my hand,
Every time she puts her hand on my chest,
And she can feel my heartbeat,
That's the colour that comes to the surface,
As her fingertips trail like a sentence never finished.
Each time I hold her against me,
Like I never want to let go,
That's the colour of her pulse.
Red was never my favourite colour,
Until she told me it was hers.
Jul 9, 2021
Jul 9, 2021 at 12:14 PM UTC
If love is forever then cupid is a terrible archer,
If we were supposed to last,
Then Aphrodite was a cunning liar,
You spat acidic vitriol at me and made me believe it was sugar,
You taught me that what you did was love when in reality, all you did was tear into me like an animal,
When I was but a hollow shell,
You left me on the curbside to see whatever vagrants and creatures would venture to want me,
You made me believe I deserved the pain, that I was an issue, something you had to push through,
And get over with.
Some empty, meaningless, warm body,
Just there to make you feel whole again.
Jun 21, 2021
Jun 21, 2021 at 3:10 PM UTC
They tell me just to go with the flow,
But that's easier said than done when you are swimming against the current,
They tell me that when you are in a body of water,
Take one deep breath and you'll float on the surface with ease,
About how gentle it would be, like going to sleep,
So I think about how easy that would be,
If I could just inhale once and float on a sea of my problems,
But then I remember how if you are under a body of water,
And you take a deep breath,
You will immediately flood your lung,
Starving your body of oxygen and suffocating,
Dying this way is like going to sleep, apparently,
As I am typing this, I contemplate how thin the line is in this case,
Between drowning and floating.
Jun 21, 2021
Jun 21, 2021 at 3:07 PM UTC
There are these kids who ride my bus,
Acting like the sun ain't ever going to come up,
Like decisions don't come with consequences,
What I would give to live like that,
Acting like gambling on life won't cost them everything,
Smiles wide and as bright as the moon,
Like their life is indestructible,
Like if it were thrown against a wall,
it wouldn't shatter,
Like life doesn't really matter,
Like to love and let go is just a second language to them,
Like for them, love is a fleeting cure for their neverending loneliness,
The fear of being alone,
Outweighing the fear of being trapped,
A fantasy world where bodies are cheap and warm,
But empty of intimacy.
Jun 21, 2021
Jun 21, 2021 at 3:00 PM UTC
I tried so hard for so long, to fit into those images of skinny, tiny white girls,
All cappuccino froth and soft edges,
Tried to tear away at myself, believing there was a hidden white layer under all this brown,
Trying with desperation and urgency to be one of those girls, the ones that boys actually want,
The " so small she makes your hoodies look cute " girl,
The " delicate as a flower " girl,
The " she makes me feel powerful " girl,
The " wrap her in my arms and protect her from the world " girl,
The " tiny enough to fit in my pocket " girl,
But all the diets, slimming shakes and workout routines in the world, could not make me into that sort of girl,
Into something I am so clearly not,
Because I am not " hot " enough for you,
As soon as I feel a little bit pretty,
Your voices ring around my head,
But little girl you are quick to forget that your body is a battleground,
And men will try to claim parts of me as if they are war trophies,
Their eyes, colonial soldiers, trying to tear away at my barricades,
So I scrub away at my skin,
Trying to find this pretty white girl inside of me,
The one who " laughs at all your jokes "... even the sexist ones,
The one who " gets along with all your friends "... even the ones who wolf whistle at me,
The one who would,
Look like a supermodel,
But dresses real modest,
The one who gets along with your parents,
But not enough so that they're disappointed when you dump me,
And if I am being honest,
I just can't see me,
Ever myself apart to be that.
So to 13-year-old me,
Remember this well,
Brown may be the colour of dirt,
But brown is the colour of earth,
And earth brings things to life,
Earth raises mighty trees from the ground,
And earth put us here in the first place.
And just because you aren't small and delicate,
It doesn't mean you are useless,
You may have stomach rolls but so did the early statues of Aphrodite,
And people worshipped her as the goddess of love,
All of the women Rubens painted were curvaceous women,
Hailed as beauty queens,
And you know what that means?
You are enough by yourself.
You do not need someone else to determine what makes you beautiful,
Apr 7, 2021
Apr 7, 2021 at 7:20 PM UTC
The anatomy of a broken heart is a complicated one to navigate,
All twisted tunnels of disbelief and heartache,
Rough and rocky roads of deceit and mountains of wool pulled over my eyes,
A core rotted through with your lies.
You made me into a bubble, close to popping with anticipation,
Or nerves, I was never quite sure,
You lured me in and then I was trapped,
You ran laps around me until I was dizzy.
You planted popping candy into my veins,
And filled my stomach with butterflies.
Jan 14, 2021
Jan 14, 2021 at 8:04 PM UTC
I read this thing somewhere which said,
" Not just God hears your prayers,
The devil does too,
And sometimes he will answer them for you,
He doesn't always show up with all flames and pitchforks,
Sometimes he shows up,
Dressed as all you have ever asked for "
And I see that in you,
Often, there are times where I think that is what he sent you here to do.
I imagine that he just dropped you into my life,
All 3am, tired ocean eyes,
And all of your sweet lies,
All soft edges and messy hair,
And all the times you showed me how little you cared.
For such a long time I beat myself up over the fact you didn't like me,
Desperately seeking for you to fight me,
Give me a real reason for why you didn't love me,
That perhaps it was because you " just weren't ready for love ",
Or maybe because you knew that you would " just end up hurting me ",
Not because you just didn't see,
See the love I had for you,
Or how I wasn't the type for you,
In those bittersweet moments of infatuation,
I would forget that the devil sent you to me,
And when I would come around and remember that,
I was angry at the fact I ever loved you.
At the fact I ever prayed to the skies for you.
They say that " to make art is to bleed without the use of a sharp instrument ",
And as I am writing this,
I am thinking,
You are watching me bleed.
You were the sort of boy that parents warn their kids about,
A cautionary tale if ever I saw one,
A smooth-talking, beautiful boy,
Who smokes, drinks and skates,
But wait,
Here's the best bit,
He has a smile which I swear is as bright as starlight,
And people gravitate towards his planetary orbit,
He collects interesting people in the same way a kid would collect interesting stamps,
He doesn't even need to know them,
They just appear.
You had Saturn in the ring-like labyrinths of your palms,
And your words were the milky way,
Linking together galaxies of thoughts.
I know that he threw you into my life,
An answer to all my prayers,
But also my downfall,
For the devil wrapped in silk is still the devil.
They say not to worship your bad habits,
But it is hard to when they look like the thought of loving you.
Dec 26, 2020
Dec 26, 2020 at 8:50 AM UTC
There are boys who win you over smoothly and romantically,
With roses and candle lit dinners,
And then there are boys who shove their hands down your throat and rip out your guts,
And leave you standing there,
Bleeding out...
There are girls who are as sweet as syrup,
A warm stickiness that never really washes away,
There are girls who are like dandelions,
Soft and gentle,
Who disappear like dust at a single touch.
Nov 25, 2020
Nov 25, 2020 at 3:32 PM UTC