i laid next to him after we'd finished, we lay there half naked. he's on his back watching the TV, i'm on my side, leaning on him. i move my head as close to his chest as i can.
after i lay there for a while, i realized the ugly truth. this is not my dream. he won't hold me close and run his thumb up and down my arm. he'll just lay there, waiting to drift off, as if i'm not even there.
i gave up, i turned over to my side, back facing him, just thinking of how hollow i've become. when he finally does turn to spoon me, he loosely puts an arm over my waist, but i realize it's no use.
i'll always be empty.
Jun 11, 2019
Jun 11, 2019 at 7:10 PM UTC
whenever i tell someone the story of how my cousin kissed me then proceeded to attempt to shove his tongue down his throat when i was drunk, they all tell how horrendous and inhumane it is.
how terrible and ****** up he is. i reply casually with, "yeah, it's bad".
how is it that others see more value in my own body than i do?
Jun 11, 2019
Jun 11, 2019 at 6:57 PM UTC
once, i heard that artists are prone to mental illnesses; especially poets.
i looked up what it means to be prone to something, and it was defined as "likely or liable to suffer from, do, or experience something unpleasant or regrettable".
and it's true, i have been prone to mental illnesses since i was just 12, but i feel more prone to you than i do to the chemical imbalance in my brain.
wait, no, i'm wrong.
i'm not "prone" to you, because i wasn't likely to suffer from you, i was destined to.
you were always right there in front of me. even when i had someone else, you were always standing in the back, you were always present.
it's like my destiny was to suffer because of you. and although the aftermath is unpleasant and horrid, i can't call you regretful.
you've been sitting quietly in my mind since the day we met all those years ago, and you don't seem to be leaving any time soon.
Nov 25, 2018
Nov 25, 2018 at 3:55 AM UTC
"i can't see you", you said to me the night we were in the dark after i turned the light off,
"hold your hand out, i'll find you", i told you.
little do you know i meant that far more than the literal meaning of it.
i will always find you in my world, even when you're not physically there.
i will always find you in my mind, even if you're quietly sitting in the corner.
i will always find my way to you. dark, light, thick, thin, up, down, anywhere.
Nov 4, 2018
Nov 4, 2018 at 1:05 AM UTC
you're the only thing that makes me feel alive yet you're slowly killing me
Oct 28, 2018
Oct 28, 2018 at 4:32 AM UTC
in many ways i find myself relating to the sky.
when there's a thunderstorm for example, just because the rain and thunder have stopped doesn't mean that the sky isn't upset and mad and confused anymore,
she's just too tired to express it.
or when it's a sunny day with grey clouds. she tries to act okay, but you can see right through her mask of fake smiles and forced laughs.
or how she could be shining in the morning with radiance, but once night falls, no stars are bright enough to lighten up her darkness.
the way she tries to please everyone until eventually in the winter she breaks.
the sky and i are more similar than i thought.
who would've thought that one could relate to nature so much.
Oct 28, 2018
Oct 28, 2018 at 4:31 AM UTC
it's been nearly two years, and i am sick
i am so ******* sick of you
i could almost say i hate you
wait, no
i hate myself
i hate myself for being so naive with you
i hate myself for giving you every piece of me till i had nothing left for myself
i hate myself in so many ways i couldn't hate you
and i am infuriated with myself in so many ways i can't be at you
so **** you
you've ruined me, demolished me like a building that people got bored of looking at when they found better
you've made me feel worthless in every sense of the word
my poetry has become repetitive about you
and i am sick
i am so ******* sick of you
Sep 25, 2018
Sep 25, 2018 at 2:28 AM UTC
all i do now is miss you.
i ******* miss you so much,
i see you everywhere,
you live in my mind so busily.
all i feel now is a loss,
i can't stand it,
i ******* miss you.
i miss you i miss you i miss you.
come back to me.
Sep 6, 2018
Sep 6, 2018 at 6:09 PM UTC
summer came pleasently to me, as I indulged in any and every thing without you.
i went out often,
reconnected with people,
rebelled,
enjoyed myself by poolsides and in bars,
smoked all day,
drank all summer,
kissed different boys,
met people,
laughed till i cried,
all the things that joy would be made up of,
but I also cried all night.
it's funny because no matter how hard I tried to ignore any emotions and face any kind of reality, i still broke down.
I tried everything I could to not think, but you somehow crept into my mind once again one late night, and I was forced to face my demons and deal with the fact that you are not mine, and you never will be.
I do not get these breakdowns anymore, I don't shed anymore tears, but I feel a hollow empty space in my heart of pieces that echoes louder every now and then, and I don't think even you can fix that anymore.
yet I think I'll miss you forever.
Aug 27, 2018
Aug 27, 2018 at 12:34 PM UTC
so many times i’ve dreamt of you, but ever since you left, i’ve only had one dream about you.
we were laying on the bed we first made love in, and we looked deeply into each other’s eyes with care and interest.
our tongues didn’t waltz with each other like they used to, our hands didn’t grab at one another like they used to, our bodies didn’t compress close enough to each other to leave no space in between one another like they used to, instead our words sunk into one another like they used to.
we spoke about the changes that have occured since our fate split us apart, our new stories and memories and experiences that did not include each other. and we laughed.
and the sight of your smile was always my favorite, but this time it only hurt me because it was a reminder of a vision i’m now only able to see when you stumble into my dreams by accident when you're on your way to the other woman's dreams.
Jul 6, 2018
Jul 6, 2018 at 9:57 PM UTC