i laid next to him after we'd finished, we lay there half naked. he's on his back watching the TV, i'm on my side, leaning on him. i move my head as close to his chest as i can.
after i lay there for a while, i realized the ugly truth. this is not my dream. he won't hold me close and run his thumb up and down my arm. he'll just lay there, waiting to drift off, as if i'm not even there.
i gave up, i turned over to my side, back facing him, just thinking of how hollow i've become. when he finally does turn to spoon me, he loosely puts an arm over my waist, but i realize it's no use.
i'll always be empty.
Jun 11, 2019
Jun 11, 2019 at 7:10 PM UTC
whenever i tell someone the story of how my cousin kissed me then proceeded to attempt to shove his tongue down his throat when i was drunk, they all tell how horrendous and inhumane it is.
how terrible and ****** up he is. i reply casually with, "yeah, it's bad".
how is it that others see more value in my own body than i do?
Jun 11, 2019
Jun 11, 2019 at 6:57 PM UTC
once, i heard that artists are prone to mental illnesses; especially poets.
i looked up what it means to be prone to something, and it was defined as "likely or liable to suffer from, do, or experience something unpleasant or regrettable".
and it's true, i have been prone to mental illnesses since i was just 12, but i feel more prone to you than i do to the chemical imbalance in my brain.
wait, no, i'm wrong.
i'm not "prone" to you, because i wasn't likely to suffer from you, i was destined to.
you were always right there in front of me. even when i had someone else, you were always standing in the back, you were always present.
it's like my destiny was to suffer because of you. and although the aftermath is unpleasant and horrid, i can't call you regretful.
you've been sitting quietly in my mind since the day we met all those years ago, and you don't seem to be leaving any time soon.
Nov 25, 2018
Nov 25, 2018 at 3:55 AM UTC
"i can't see you", you said to me the night we were in the dark after i turned the light off,
"hold your hand out, i'll find you", i told you.
little do you know i meant that far more than the literal meaning of it.
i will always find you in my world, even when you're not physically there.
i will always find you in my mind, even if you're quietly sitting in the corner.
i will always find my way to you. dark, light, thick, thin, up, down, anywhere.
Nov 4, 2018
Nov 4, 2018 at 1:05 AM UTC
you wake up
his hair is spilled across the pillow,
the sun slants across his cheekbone
and his breath is slow and even.
he smells like an open field
and his body is wrapped around yours
so he keeps you warm.
you think,
there is no moment better than this,
that he is too perfect to exist.
but you wake up gasping,
skin soaked in sweat.
you lie there for a long time,
in your completely empty bed.
Oct 31, 2018
Oct 31, 2018 at 3:12 AM UTC
they say it won't matter in a month, a year, maybe ten
but what happens if it does
what happens if a year later my heart still aches at the sound of your name
then what
Oct 31, 2018
Oct 31, 2018 at 3:09 AM UTC
you're the only thing that makes me feel alive yet you're slowly killing me
Oct 28, 2018
Oct 28, 2018 at 4:32 AM UTC
in many ways i find myself relating to the sky.
when there's a thunderstorm for example, just because the rain and thunder have stopped doesn't mean that the sky isn't upset and mad and confused anymore,
she's just too tired to express it.
or when it's a sunny day with grey clouds. she tries to act okay, but you can see right through her mask of fake smiles and forced laughs.
or how she could be shining in the morning with radiance, but once night falls, no stars are bright enough to lighten up her darkness.
the way she tries to please everyone until eventually in the winter she breaks.
the sky and i are more similar than i thought.
who would've thought that one could relate to nature so much.
Oct 28, 2018
Oct 28, 2018 at 4:31 AM UTC
it's been nearly two years, and i am sick
i am so ******* sick of you
i could almost say i hate you
wait, no
i hate myself
i hate myself for being so naive with you
i hate myself for giving you every piece of me till i had nothing left for myself
i hate myself in so many ways i couldn't hate you
and i am infuriated with myself in so many ways i can't be at you
so **** you
you've ruined me, demolished me like a building that people got bored of looking at when they found better
you've made me feel worthless in every sense of the word
my poetry has become repetitive about you
and i am sick
i am so ******* sick of you
Sep 25, 2018
Sep 25, 2018 at 2:28 AM UTC
it's becoming easier
to hear your name and feel nothing.
Head and Heart fought a battle that only ended
when the Heart swelled with a Love that hurt to hold,
until the Head's gentle reminder
that this was not Love,
it was Pain.
blinding Pain.
but like all blows to the body and mind
Time crushes Pain into a dull ache, a numbness remaining
long in the Heart after the feeling has gone.
but the Head holds the knowledge that this was not Love.
it was Pain.
blinding Pain.
and it's becoming easier.
Sep 17, 2018
Sep 17, 2018 at 2:24 AM UTC