Tonight, as I lay in bed, thoughts playing old memories on rewind - stop & pause at the good moments, fast forward through all the bad - my brows begin to furrow as I ask myself... what if? What if I would’ve decided to go a different college? What if I actually changed my major when I realized I would never be a striving politician? What if I would have not lived for others and lived for myself?
Well, here’s the beautiful thing about what ifs: it’s not the life you’re meant to live. If I didn’t study what I did I never would have met my husband. If I never met my husband I never would have realized I wanted to become a nurse. If I never lived these moments, I never would have found my true destiny. I can’t say I’m happy that it took me so long to find my purpose in life, but when I reflect on my life I now realize the mindset I needed to get to where I am today and not where it was 5 years ago. Unfortunately, life doesn’t wait for you to catch up. Thankfully, I have someone who undoubtedly believes in my abilities to succeed.
Regardless of how long it took to figure out or how long it takes for me to get to where I’m meant to be, I’m proud of the woman I’ve become and am still becoming.
Jul 5, 2018
Jul 5, 2018 at 3:01 AM UTC
There’s a ghost that haunts these parts
he lingers on these pages
full of words, such fanciful words,
that my eyes, my mouth, my heart
still get lost in.
There’s a poet who once wrote
such vivid words about our past
that romanticized our togetherness
and gave it an eternity in the abyss of the internet
so I can relive those soul-crushing movie script endings.
There’s a boy who once said
he loved me more than anyone in this world
that he’d do anything for me,
that somehow, some way we’d find each other again
and pick up like no time or distance had come between us.
But that boy turned into a man, a brave man
just as I turned into a woman, a fearless woman
learning that even best friends, best lovers
come and go, and they might never
come back.
Some days, I’m sad it’s not you who I wake up next to in the morning.
Most days, I just miss having my best friend.
Jul 5, 2018
Jul 5, 2018 at 2:25 AM UTC
Until the day when I meet you at the bus stop,
the same one I dropped you off at some weeks ago,
when I get to stand on my tiptoes to kiss your smoke-scarred lips,
as you have to slouch to envelope
every inch of yourself around me,
keeping me safe, keeping me warm,
I will close my eyes and play back
that night where I sat in
the passengers seat, staring out
my dust covered window
trying to hide the tears
streaming down my face,
because we promised each other
we’d stay strong,
no I miss you’s, no please hurry home.
Until the night when I get to make you your favorite dinner
- rosemary steak and garlic potatoes -
and we get to sit at our dining table,
laughing over wine and memories,
I’ll begin to forget the loneliness I felt when you left,
because I knew you’d come back.
We made a promise to ourselves,
and timing is not always the best,
but in our selflessness we find strength.
I know this is the best thing for us,
for our future, so that our life together
can finally begin,
but the days feel like months,
and the weeks, years,
and this time alone is killing me.
You made me feel alive,
please come back home.
Feb 24, 2018
Feb 24, 2018 at 11:55 AM UTC
I can see all of the glittering bits of you
deep inside your locket heart
waiting for the key of life that will fit
so perfectly into the grooves that yearn
for adventure and exploration,
needing the complexity that fate has
so mysteriously planned out for your soul,
your restless, tireless soul compiled of
figments of imagination and nostalgia
coalesced in the compartments
that keep you hopeful,
ambitious, and destined for
something more,
something better.
Jul 21, 2017
Jul 21, 2017 at 1:37 AM UTC
In this moment I pray:
For peace
For strength
For life to slow down
to speed up
To give me all the things I want
To take away all the things that break me
To end my rollercoaster emotions
up and down
side-to-side
happy and sad
In this moment I beg:
To be successful
to feel proud of the strides I've made
to not feel like a failure
that I will be nobody forever
that I will be stuck in the same place
for the rest of my life
For the day I will see the light
and I will trust my feet to take me where I need to be
to appreciate all that I have
and to stop comparing myself to others
And in this moment I hope:
That I will continue to fight for my life
That I will get better one day
That I'll no longer be sick and scared
That I will find what I'm meant to do
That God actually does have a plan for me
and I just need to be patient and have faith
That healing will take place
And that there will be a day
That I will no longer feel this pain
That it will be replaced with joy.
Jun 3, 2016
Jun 3, 2016 at 10:23 PM UTC
Every time you say that
you're not worth it
remember the times
you felt something so
strong and moving
that you couldn't contain
yourself. Please harness that
for those moments are fleeting,
forever slipping through
the slits of your fingertips
and eventually vanish from
your memory. Let it engulf you,
contain every bit of you that
one day you'll believe that
life is something to cherish
for you are privileged with only
one.
Feb 26, 2015
Feb 26, 2015 at 12:49 PM UTC
Although you hide your love
I can feel the admiration
you have for me
in the way you moan in my ear
and whisper sweet nothings
as if you were loving me
even if it were just for the night.
Feb 22, 2015
Feb 22, 2015 at 10:40 AM UTC
It's like you never left,
the way the air still smells
of that cheap dollar store cologne
and of stale Marlboros and whiskey.
Your phantom hands ran through my hair
and ghostly lips sunk into my neck
and I could not help to think I heard you say
"oh honey, oh, how I've missed you."
But all the while my eyes were closed
I hadn't realized something:
that the window lay cracked wide open
and the wind blew out the candle flame.
Feb 15, 2015
Feb 15, 2015 at 9:39 PM UTC
So, you've taken what's mine,
left a wound in my side,
and now I must find
what the purpose was this whole time
because this cut won't heal
and my heart will bleed
searching for answers
far too few and none plenty
but I will never let you see the struggle
that has left me bruised and broken
for I am a much better person
sobered and steady
and glowing with pride.
Feb 8, 2015
Feb 8, 2015 at 10:06 PM UTC
Let me taste your lips
and the softness of your skin
as day turns to night.
Feb 8, 2015
Feb 8, 2015 at 9:55 PM UTC