to stare death in the face
and say yes, it was i
who was ready for you, not the other way round
to know what it is to hold both
apprehension and eagerness for each day
in the palm of each hand
to have heard the sound of waves on the sand
at an early age and never
quite forget the sound of the ocean's voice
to be able to know in the depths of one's soul
that life has been lived breathing the sea-salt
air that fills a pelican's lungs
is to be ready when death knocks, cold-faced
and stone-hearted as usual
and to live with the knowledge that life
has been breathed to its fullest -
to let the tides carry you home -
to belong eternally with the song of the sea.
Jan 22, 2019
Jan 22, 2019 at 9:09 PM UTC
find what you love
(and let it **** you)
you know how it is.
your heart, that stupid muscle
somehow lays her hands on a jump-rope
and skip-skip-skips her way
closer to breaking
every time you think of him.
you should be used to this by now.
after all, he's only the latest in a long
string of boys who somehow
gave your heart that godforsaken jump-rope.
it's so predictable that you nearly roll your eyes
at yourself - or at least you do mentally -
but still you can't help it
you always were a romantic at heart.
Sep 22, 2018
Sep 22, 2018 at 8:37 AM UTC
for your inability
to hide a single thing you feel -
for your quiet willingness
to listen to me talk about the world;
about the beauty of being alive,
about warmth on cold days
and perspectives you never imagined
you would someday hear ;
for your unashamedness
to tell me all the things
you don't like about yourself
but for your determination to be
the best version of you
you know how to be ;
for how different you are from
every single person i have ever known -
for your never ending reassurance
that i am worth so much more than i know
that my emotions and problems
are worth giving a voice to ;
for your silence
and for your laughter
for your tears
and for your wisdom
for your pride
and for your insecurities
thank you for showing me someone
so much like me yet so different
so stable yet so unsure
someone i have known my whole life yet -
someone i have yet to know.
Jul 22, 2018
Jul 22, 2018 at 6:23 AM UTC
i am briar-rose's castle;
my heart is the sleeping beauty within
under the curse of a hundred years
and only eighteen have passed so
God help the prince who tries to cut
his way through the thorns
because these vines are dark magic
just like the rest of me - under
a spell that will not break.
Jun 7, 2018
Jun 7, 2018 at 8:43 AM UTC
you know what it is.
the shapeless shadows of a dying youth,
the hollow longing to hear
a voice you know you'll never hear again,
to feel a touch you know
you'll never feel again,
to see a familiar smile except this time
you know it's not because of you.
it's bottles and bottles of empty faces
swaying past you one after another all trying
to fill the gap he left, all trying
to know you as he did
but their arms feel different,
tattered flags on skeletal rods -
their voices sound different,
the cries of vultures circling the air.
you made me lonely,
but lonely for you.
and no matter how many places i see
or how many people i meet i will never
ever stop loving you.
May 19, 2018
May 19, 2018 at 5:16 AM UTC
i know what you think.
i can read it on your face,
it oozes out through your pores
drips from your eyes
like salt-filled tears at a funeral.
i know what you think.
i can read the silent judgement,
i can see that ******* pity
cloaking your whole being
like a snake right before it squeezes
the life out of you or me or both of us.
and i hate it.
i hate that you feel obligated to help me,
but you don't know how.
i hate that you think i deserve better,
because i know i do not.
i hate that the only thing you can offer
is a pathetic "stay strong",
because those words have been repeated so many times
over that they cease to have any meaning at all.
i hate that you want to help me,
because i don't want your help, *********
i just wanted you to listen without the slightest shred
of commitment or concern.
let's turn back time a little.
back to right after you asked me if i was okay
and i said i was
and you saw the walls reflected in my face
and you knew.
but you didn't push it.
and that's for the best, because i am
a whirling storm of lightning and rain and thunder
and clouds almost as black as my eyes.
don't force me to have to save you
from the person i know i have become
if i can't even save myself
from me.
May 4, 2018
May 4, 2018 at 9:01 AM UTC
because the truth is -
i still wear your favorite perfume every single ******* day;
it reminds me of you
i still take hour-long bus rides home on double-
decker buses, sit at the back and cry
when our song comes on shuffle.
i still flinch every time i hear your name,
still tear up every time i see you smile because i know
it's no longer because of me.
i still feel what's left of my heart crack and burn
when i see pictures of you and her because oh,
that used to be me.
i still lie in bed at night wondering if things
could be different if i hadn't let you go, if i had fought
for the things i loved, for the person i loved.
i still struggle to put into words
how much i loved you, how much i love you, how much
i will continue to love you because the truth remains
that my stupid, stupid heart can never let you go.
Apr 9, 2018
Apr 9, 2018 at 6:22 PM UTC
it's staring your reflection in the eye,
dripping wet and naked after a shower,
realizing with a sort of cruel stiff detachment that
your eyes are so dark you can see another version of yourself reflected in them
it's crying till you hyperventilate because of the sharp
hurt in your
chest on some days
and not being able to shed a single tear despite the ache on others
it's being terrified of yourself because you
can't
decide which is worse - being dead or dying.
it's watching your hands shake as you try to explain
how you feel without simultaneously dissolving into the very
shards of glass you're trying to put back together
it's slamming the doors of your heart shut
to every single good-intentioned well-meaning soul
who's ever had the misfortune of attempting to make you open up
because *kindness be ****** you know deep within yourself
that you are beyond saving
it isn't always plain to see but
you can feel it every single waking moment
and you can't even remember what it was like to not have it
creeping in your life, ******* the air out of your lungs,
draining away your joy
it's the despair you feel on dark days when
the realization that it will be with you for *your whole
life* hits you and god, you just wish you could end it right there.
but you don't.
you crawl into bed with eyes blurry from tears and a nose so blocked you can't even breathe and you
wake up the next morning and you do it all over again
but somehow you hang on to the hope that one day,
one day things could be different and even though you know
it's more likely that you'll be in despair your whole life
you let that small shred of hope tide you through because
without it you would be dead
and you accept that this is your life now,
and it will be for a long time to come.
Apr 6, 2018
Apr 6, 2018 at 7:28 AM UTC
life is a film.
a moving picture, a series
of moments whipping by in a blur
of color and sound and energy and emotions, and we-
we're the characters;
and sometimes i lament how different
i am from the dancer girl, the boy who plays
volleyball, the man who runs fast as the wind, the
woman who can stretch her legs over her shoulders.
but life has to be complete in one take;
no do-overs or turn arounds, no second guessing or third chances.
and so-
so what does it matter if i have two left feet,
if i can't catch a ball,
if i'm as unfit as a bear awakening from a six-month long slumber?
what does it matter if i don't know
the reasons for the leaves changing color in the fall,
if i can't do a perfect split,
if sometimes i trip over my own feet and struggle to keep up
when someone speaks about economies of scale or supply and demand?
why does what i can't do matter
if for what it counts i can
weave words together like pearls on a string,
thread a song together from a single chord,
let my voice glide over notes like a stream caresses the stones it passes?
why do i have to force my feet to dance
if my mind can do it for me?
why can't i express myself through black and white keys
or six metal strings instead of leaping through the air
like a phoenix rising from ashes that weren't there in the beginning?
and maybe-
maybe there are things i cannot do,
maybe i'm different from you, maybe
in your world it's better to dance than to sing
but in mine, where i bleed words and stars and music and galaxies and diamonds,
i am enough.
Feb 19, 2018
Feb 19, 2018 at 5:57 AM UTC
it hits you mid-shower,
as you're half trying to keep soap-suds
out of your eye and half attempting to figure out
if you've got split ends yet -
one minute you're thinking of nothing at all
and the next you suddenly realize,
you love him.
you like him? you love him? the word ceases to matter.
oh god, you love him.
you love him for how the corners of his eyes
crinkle up when he laughs,
for how he cares if you're home safe,
for how the first thing on his bucket list
is for his grandmother to hold his first child.
for how you could sit with him for hours with
nothing but your shoulders touching,
and be complete in the warmth he exudes
in comfortable silence.
for how he talks and how he walks,
for how he looks at you,
for how his eyes seem to have endless depth.
and the funny thing is that you know you've lost the game
but you don't care that you've lost, you don't care
if he loves you back or if he doesn't because
in that moment you have remembered
what it is to love a person not for what they look like
or for what they sound like but for who they are
and the knowledge that after two whole years of bitterness
and hiding away in your shell
you have discovered what it is to love again
and nothing else matters in that moment because
for what it counts you have found yourself again
in loving someone and you realize that
your heart has so much left to give; who you
choose to give it to does not matter as much
as the knowledge that you are capable of loving,
the kind of love that does not fear hurt or pain
but embraces it as part of the essence of love.
Feb 13, 2018
Feb 13, 2018 at 7:52 AM UTC