The stress made me relapse.
the day after new years eve,
i relapsed.
i broke my four months streak.
It didn't feel bad, or disappointing.
i didn't even feel guilt.
now I feel guilty for not feeling guilt.
But it was so good.
I relapsed two days into 2025.
and I knew it was coming.
having never been clean for that long before,
i knew I would come back to it.
it's my safe place, the pain, the punishment.
I want to get worse and to f*ck myself up and I want people to not know about anything until it's too late, until I am done, until it's over.
Jan 3, 2025
Jan 3, 2025 at 9:42 AM UTC
"That one person that reached out just before I was about to do it"
...
fake.
that doesn't happen.
In reality,
no one coincidentally reaches out at the exact moment you intent to do something really bad.
It doesn't happen.
In reality,
you sit there and hope it happens.
Waiting for someone.
A text, a call,
any sign that someone's thinking about you...
It doesn't happen.
You sit there
and wait
until it's too late.
And you realize
it doesn't ******* happen.
Oct 27, 2024
Oct 27, 2024 at 12:47 PM UTC
When I'm sick it's there for me, warming my ill body
And when I'm happy it's there with its uplifting presence to excite me
It warms my throat and heart
I devour it with sheer pleasure
As it fills me
Oct 2, 2024
Oct 2, 2024 at 4:34 PM UTC
I'm scared of people seeing them.
No one ever has.
Yet,
I wish someone would.
Because it would mean
That they see me.
The pain, the thoughts, the feelings.
Me.
I'm not scared of people seeing them.
they are not shameful.
they are beautiful,
they are me.
Who am I?
My past is in them.
the pain I felt
the thoughts I had
the feelings I felt.
That is me.
"The Scars do not define you."
They do.
A part of me is in them.
Therefore,
beauty is in them.
When you see me:
look at them
analyse them
What do you see?
Me.
Sep 24, 2024
Sep 24, 2024 at 12:54 AM UTC