Have you ever seen anything so
barren as a neighborhood? I swear
even the nature there is sterile -
narrowed down to a few well-
behaved bushes, shaved into
submission, bereaved of freedom.
i miss the rebellion
of the trees
pushing defiantly even through
concrete to see the sky not silent
and fearful like these
things crowded and compliant with no
room to breathe freely
do they even seem
alive
May 7, 2017
May 7, 2017 at 8:34 PM UTC
I guess there's nothing left
But me
To give to you
And so I do
It isn't much
But Lord I trust
That you can take the mess I make
And recreate a masterpiece
That's like nothing
I've ever seen
Before
Your love for me
Is so much more
Than I could earn
And I have learned
That when I try to pay for it
I give my joy away instead.
Somewhere I read
That all the good
That I could do
Means less than filthy rags to you
Unless my Faith and righteousness
Spring from my love for Christ.
It's nice to know
That you have been
Beside me since the day back when
I first prayed
In my own backyard
Just look how far we've come
Since then.
You're still the same
But I have changed
Becoming more and more like you.
Jul 28, 2015
Jul 28, 2015 at 7:13 AM UTC
I'm only eighteen.
Just a baby really.
Only three short years past
Halfway to thirty.
Still somehow it seems to me
I must be nearly eighty-three
Like my dear friend Bernadine.
I'm beginning to really appreciate
The way neither of us feels truly ready
To deal with reality.
You see,
I'm dreading university
And she keeps asking me
To call her mama.
"She'll be worried about me"
She pleads.
Her eyes are full of tears
But I can't dispel her fears
No matter how unreal they might be.
Her mama's been gone for years
But she'd probably
Call me a liar if I told her
So I just hold her hand.
She believes she's only eighteen.
Just a baby really.
Only three short years past
Halfway to thirty.
But time goes so fast...
Jun 13, 2015
Jun 13, 2015 at 5:20 PM UTC
We're broken
And I can't ignore it anymore.
There's so much between us that it seems
Like we're miles away
From ever being okay again.
And I've lied all this time when I said
I've forgotten. I've tried.
But the memories are like weeds
Growing too thick in my mind
They choke out the light
And they leave my soul blind.
Don't get me wrong
I'm still trying.
I'm not resigned to never finding my way
To forgiving you.
It's just been a long time
And after a while this pain became part
Of my identity.
Part of what makes me...me.
It's a shame
But just hearing your name
Makes me cringe.
I can't even begin to explain
How much rage I used to feel.
How much hate.
But bit by bit I'm rebuilding.
Healing a heart that's been rotten for years
That's one thing mirrors don't tell, right?
But despite my pleasant exterior
Things on the inside weren't nearly
As neat as they appeared.
My heart was a train wreck
With parts shattered and scattered
All over the place.
But somehow until now
None of that mattered
As long as my face was intact
As long as I could keep up the act.
So I guess you probably never knew
How much damage your actions could do
But don't worry,
I kept the rest of the world in the dark too.
You all slept in peace
While I was fighting nightmares
And trying desperately to keep
My eyes wide open all night.
It didn't seem quite fair
But I suppose that's just the way life goes
You're still carefree
And I don't dare sleep
For fear I won't hear
My door creak open
Jun 12, 2015
Jun 12, 2015 at 3:44 PM UTC
I wouldn't call them scars. Our bodies are ancient calendars marked with times and places. Tonight, you are not real. You are the desperate ocean lapping at the shoreline trying to take back the secrets in the bottles cast off by lovers, and children, letters to the dead sometimes. They are not your secrets, but they came to you first. They are full of feelings you have once felt or will feel. The bottles glisten in the sand mockingly, beautifully, painfully, like window shopping for jewelry you'll never be able to afford. You never expect to want the glass back after it has been pulled out of you. But the stories inside are your stories now too. You cast them off in the same manner hoping somone better than the sea will find them. The story about your cancer, your mother, the love you feel right now, the love returned, the time you thought of the beauty of a flower, the flower you killed to show someone how beautiful it was, the realization of the importance of stillness. All those stories like broken bottles in your skin. Like jewels encrusted on a big brass door leading to a room you live in. But tonight, you are the ocean at high tide, finally getting your bottles back.
May 1, 2015
May 1, 2015 at 12:05 AM UTC
I never thought I'd say this
But I have some regrets
Cuz I was blind and heedless to
The needs I could have met;
So many hurting people
That I refused to see
Because I was so focused on
The things that bothered me
The empty hands that could have been
Filled up with my excess
But weren't because I failed to see
The ways that I could bless
The empty eyes mine never saw
The pain I pushed aside
The child who starved to death while I
Was more than satisfied
The smiles; the love that I withheld
When things didn't go my way
The chains I didn't break, and all
The life-filled words I didn't say
So many lives I could have changed
So many torn hearts mended
The tears I could have wiped away
The trials I could have ended
And yet I sat unmoved as if
Their pain was not my problem
And many suffered while I looked
For someone else to help them
Jun 13, 2014
Jun 13, 2014 at 10:58 PM UTC
forgotten.
that's got to be the saddest word I know.
cuz it leaves exactly enough room for hope to grow
before killing it cold and leaving it rotten.
like a **** taking up too much space in the ground
or the smile on your face being suffocated by a frown.
do you know how it feels to realize that I don't exist to you any more?
that things can never go back to the way they were before?
forgotten
means the end; no more tries.
It means that our ties didn't just bend, they broke
and no matter how hard I try to re-stoke those old fires
there's no hope
because you've already sent my memories up in smoke
without batting an eye.
I'm fading away, aren't I?
or was I ever there to start with?
Still I somehow can't bear to part with my memories of you.
It's so unfair that I'm stuck caring about you
when you never cared about me.
I have to admit I was not prepared for how devastating this would be.
My features have already started to warp and blur
and if you looked at me now you'd start to believe
that this was the way they always were.
well it's not.
forgotten is a word that fades you away
until one day you can't even remember yourself.
until one day you look in the mirror,
and no one's there.
Mar 6, 2014
Mar 6, 2014 at 10:13 AM UTC
silver stars are softly shining
somewhere safe their light is leading
stop the wars and stop the fighting
let us journey home
are you lost, forlorn, and lonely?
is your courage fading swiftly?
let thy spirit not forsake thee;
home is waiting; come.
through the darkness and the shadows
heedless of the way the wind blows
undaunted by death, unstopped by sorrows
we choose the higher road
candles in the window burning
watch and wait for your returning
walk through night and into morning
don't stop til you're home
Feb 24, 2014
Feb 24, 2014 at 8:43 AM UTC
Tomorrow lies in a sticky-wet puddle at my feet
And all my yesterdays are growing too heavy
Straining to burst free from the shiny pink membrane
That barely separates them
From the cruel, pointing fingers
Of the scandal-seeking crowd.
I do not wish any longer
To share in their catatonic state,
But instead I continue to climb against the raging,
Shoving current of the endless waterfall,
Alone and unafraid
Toward destiny
And I forsake without apology
The security that conformity offers.
I am no longer what I once was:
Merely another mindless piece
Of the glorious whole,
But stronger now
And the eternal clock ticks past morning
And into the crimson before midday
More deeply, infinitely more do I fear the silence
The mendicant and instant acceptance
By which the masses sully me
Than do I dread their hatred
And their offended pride;
Their glaring antipathy
Their cold rejection.
This do I know to be more certain even
Than the coming of the night:
Unless I have the courage to stand alone
I will surely see destruction
For it takes not great strength or genius
To be held ***** by the pressing
Of the single minded crowd.
And so I ascend,
Heedless of yesterday
Undaunted by tomorrow,
Leaving behind everything that is certain
Embracing instability.
Like a star I travel forward
Into the fathomless darkness
And I can't be pulled down by gravity
And I continue forever into no one knows what
But my shining path is followed
By the eyes of many
Drawing them momentarily
From their listlessness
And forcing them into temporary
And vastly uncomfortable realization.
It is the essence of courage to stand apart
And the highest measure of my worth
Lies in my willingness to be complete
Without the acceptance and accolades of mankind
Complete and content to walk alone
To be hated by all those around me.
This is my destiny.
This is my choice.
Jan 26, 2014
Jan 26, 2014 at 4:19 PM UTC
Seventeen.
I barely dare to say it out loud
Just in case it might be true.
Have you ever looked into a mirror
And not been sure that face was you?
In any case it's hideous
But really what is a face?
Just some bone laced together
And covered with skin;
It can't begin to express the complexity
Of the person it hides within
But my face is growing older
And my eyes just aren't the same
As they were when I was six years young
And had never been caressed by pain.
Before my brow had felt the weight of gravity
Drag it down to shadow two lonely worlds,
Before life had complexity.
Back when I was innocent, naive.
Just a little girl.
Seventeen.
The word sticks to the back
Of my throat in tatters:
A feeling that's not remotely like excitement
But more like the way
That the darkness tastes
In the moment when light scatters
Or how it feels when a lie
You've believed in shatters
And a sliver of the hurt
Gets stuck inside you
Bleeding a bit before petrifying
Into a memory you can't escape
No matter how hard you pry
Jan 16, 2014
Jan 16, 2014 at 5:04 PM UTC