In all honesty,
I wish you would stop trying to sell me on the idea of emotional need.
Every time we have met, I have given of myself so freely that your name could take up chapters in my autobiography. I have listened to your hopes, desires, and dreams so well, that you think of me, before saying I do to someone else at the altar. As if that consolation prize doesn’t make a mockery of the entire idea.
You perpetuate this need for emotional support and intimacy, but strike at my vulnerability with disgust, envious of a more steady foundation. I have listened to you share volumes of information that would make heads and heels turn and leave burning trails of dust behind them, I have given advice and guidance strong enough to calm the attack from anxiety and stem the tide of depression, as you cried your heart out.
And for all of this, I do not believe I am owed much.
I only ask that you stop selling me on the lie,
that emotional honesty is the missing ingredient to love, because I can stand being lied to, but I need you to stop using the words as a crutch,
if you have no respect for their meaning.
Feb 3, 2025
Feb 3, 2025 at 5:31 PM UTC
The definition of a man to me is morally driven. For good or ill, you will stand next to your ideals with courage and certainty. You will know who you are, but not to be defined so rigidly that opposition will be met bitterly.
Flexibility is paramount.
Though I know It is not an easy thing to muster a clear head in the midst of an argument, by contrast it is far too easy to write of it. But never forget, more good comes from wit than temperament.
I do not care for the way you carry yourself.
In fact I’d prefer you to shelf any ideas of who you are meant to be. By handshake, or appearance, or by words from me.
It is a scary thing to think that the truth of who we are is solely our responsibility. But if you decide to heed any advice from me, forget who you are ideally supposed to be.
Jul 2, 2020
Jul 2, 2020 at 2:57 AM UTC
When I first met you, I thought the world of you. At least, that’s what my memories tell me. In honesty, I probably didn’t consider you as anything more than normal in the beginning. I don’t have many memories of you left, and the few I do have are rose-tinted and faded to the background of my mind, residing in my dreams, in the words I write to chase after you, to pull out a memory of when I knew who I was. Back when we were together.
The truth is, I don’t know when you left an impression on me, and I don’t know why. Maybe it was something about the idea of the outcast and the black-sheep finding happiness together that spoke to the romantic in me. Whatever it was, it was real, God knows it was real. I wrote poems for you every day, you’re the reason I started in the first place, you know? But I’ve said that before.
I think I just want to know why you stuck around so much at the end of the day. When we parted ways, you stuck around for me and I don’t know why. You’ve colored every attempt at love since, and every time I try, I have to keep telling myself that the indifference I feel when looking in the eyes of someone else, is love, but that’s a lie. Or..is it?
I don’t know. Maybe at the end of the day, I keep chasing you because I want to know it meant something. I want the story to have a happy ending because I did the right thing. So I keep going. Finding you inside of another name. So far you’ve been married happily twice, and I’m still waiting...
May 15, 2020
May 15, 2020 at 6:34 AM UTC
By right and will of ink and quill,
The young prince sits atop his gilded throne,
But when aught runs dry and naught can fill,
What can stop the thoughts alone?
Alone is he, alone am I,
Trapped inside of what it means,
To reflect upon a time,
Where I was once a better me.
Where words flowed forth like sacred wine,
And from that alter leapt great praise,
When stars saw fit then to align,
And summon the great glory days.
Who am I in place of that,
but a shadow affixed to roaring flame?
Of passions high and blazing fast,
All praise be to faded name.
Mar 16, 2020
Mar 16, 2020 at 9:24 AM UTC
A great collapse, the way of life, shall see great men fall and feeble rise. Around the wheel the cycle goes, from noble birth to battle cry. The earth is my kingdom, for kingdom will I die. Let not my name be forgotten, my every merit in life, tied to something so repeated, it nearly loses meaning. I the great king, emperor, chief, ruler, believe my duty to be divine. I number in the thousands, but this legacy is mine.
Feb 16, 2020
Feb 16, 2020 at 7:55 AM UTC
My words are not my own, but the echoes of a man who has long since died, and left to me in his will, a blueprint for how to live his life. I’d like to tell you that this death occurred at the site of a dashed love, believe me, I would. But the fact of the matter is, I simply do not know. And the lie I have clung to these many years has grown old and tired. So instead, I will tell you the truth, or attempt to.
For the last few years, I have not felt like myself. I have begun to question who “myself” truly is. Spare me any notions of a high school grad taking a year off of their studies to find themselves, I’m aware of the parallels and I despise them. I’ve spent far more than a year in this predicament and I would wish it upon no man. Yet someone has the audacity to believe they can discover the whole of what it means to exist in a year? Let alone believe such knowledge to be a benefit to them. The very notion has me shaking my head in sympathies!
But I digress. That is what I do after all. You see I am a writer by passion, but there is the problem, passion. For nearly a decade now my writing has felt lacking, hollow. Not to others apparently, but very much so for myself. Friends and loved ones tell me I write fairly well for someone of my age, but they do not know what I do. If they were privy to how the words sound before they reach the page, if only they could see how the world looks before I touch it, they would see how truly hollow my depictions are.
This is my problem. At one point, I felt comfortable with my own skill in creating a fantastical world. Now however I feel as if I am continually attempting to build the Taj Mahal, and getting credit for building the Hagia Sophia, or is it a table from Ikea? I can never remember.
Feb 10, 2020
Feb 10, 2020 at 6:25 AM UTC
Friends! Drunken-men! Lend me your beers!
Let not the woes of day to day,
Drive all hope of toast away,
And raise to me,
Your younger kin,
Your glass of beer or shot or toniced gin,
And I will count you as a friend in this, the greatest of places!
Feb 8, 2020
Feb 8, 2020 at 4:01 AM UTC
From dreams to sleep she drifts between,
Where visions dance of what has been,
In symbols marked by fates decree,
What strange things will she see?
Visions of old, or something new?
Connected thoughts of me and you?
Under light of lonely moon,
Bathed in pale and longing hue.
Or maybe wild chaotic fun?
Dancing with fairies to belief of none,
Perhaps there she’ll meet a king,
Both proud and twisted, a scheming thing.
And there they strike a bargain deal,
To a baser nature will he appeal,
To make a star of boring youth,
And place her next to lonely moon.
All to wish that she had not,
As lovely dreams are all but lost,
And in their place a nightmare state,
As startled sound jolts her to wake.
For hours there she longs and yearns,
For land of dreams to please return,
She thinks of him, the fairy king,
And casts aside the suffering,
Surely it was only dream,
You can’t make real a mythic thing,
Hours pass and she ventures back,
To the wonder of a dancing pack.
Around a throne of golden trim,
They make a play at behest of him,
They pause at her, but carry on.
For none dare cross great Oberon.
She takes a step and suddenly,
From behind a curtain she bounds and leaps.
“Great fairy king, ‘tis I you seek,
For a hand in marriage I offer thee.”
As if compelled she speaks the words,
With puzzled look as they are heard,
And walks onto the center stage,
As other actors seemed to fade.
All at once both there and gone,
Appears the great king Oberon,
To take her hand and lead away,
As per the deal that there was made.
An instant passed and there they were,
Amongst the stars above the earth,
And with a smile the king declared,
“Let no one say I am not fair.”
She cried in fear and looked around,
But from her lips there came no sound,
Too late she saw what she’d become,
A star opposed to glowing sun.
All to wish that she was not,
As lovely dreams had all been lost,
And in their place a nightmare state,
As startled sound jolts her to wake.
She looked up then towards the sky,
To catch a twinkling in her eye,
A lone star she’d never seen,
Had taken place where none had been.
For hours there she longed and yearned,
For land of dreams to please return,
She thought of him, the fairy king,
But cast aside her suffering,
Surely it was only dream?
You can’t make real a mythic thing!
Hours pass and she ventures back,
To the wonder of a dancing pack.
Feb 8, 2020
Feb 8, 2020 at 2:50 AM UTC
It is that same optimistic pessimism. That ephemeral, translucent feeling..which gives me life and meaning. When taken to the extreme, the world becomes cold. Everything fades. Who I am ceases to be, and in my place, a force of absolute clarity emerges, in the realization that in the grand scheme, nothing matters.
I have witnessed this happen. I have watched myself die. Time and time again have I, sat back and wondered why it is that I cannot stop this sequence of events,
from unfolding in front of me. When clarity strikes and I realize that the man I have been does not matter anymore, just as before,
I wonder,
Why?
I have talked to my fellow man on the subject. I have come to know their mannerisms, their discomforts, their quieted discussions hushed for fear that insanity looms, and I have grown to assume the worst of them..that in the end, most are blind to the truth of these deaths.
Subtle in nature and slow in their pace, these key moments race to define who we are by summarizing who we have been up to the point of contact with them. From that point of derision, a part of our life is forever etched in memory, wether we remember or not.
After a period of time, who we are can no longer be defined by any measure of who have been. We are a collection of key moments, fractures and schisms form the face for what we have become. In the end, a personality template, made whole by the mention of a few distant names, certain days are remembered forever, while others fade away into obscurity.
We are nothing but the deaths of who we once were, compounded from birth to keep us interesting.
Jan 31, 2020
Jan 31, 2020 at 12:49 AM UTC
It used to be that I could write of love when I knew you, but the truth is those feelings are gone. Long buried in years of hate, in a state I don’t understand. Without you by my side, I don’t know who I am. A god with no muse, now simply a man.
In all my hollow glory, I venerate your chapter in the story with such reverence. I remark on your commitment to togetherness with an asterisk, and leave a footnote in the margins that reads, “Meaningless.”
Forgive me for saying this, I’ve lost my way, clearly. Please, let me rephrase...
My dear angel, it’s been several years since a difference of opinion has left us divided. In all that time, I’ve decided to write you and say, I’m sorry for the way we ended. Far be it from me to build our love upon a foundation which was honesty dependent..I’ve learned the error of my ways.
Which is to say, that “I love you” has become a hollow thing, sweet to be sure, but a sweet nothing all the same. So I will remember you with nothing, and leave you on those words, I love you.
Simply,
A man.
Jan 5, 2020
Jan 5, 2020 at 4:57 PM UTC