andrea
American
Happiness is a smiling dog that desires nothing more than to be with me. Happiness is a rainy Sunday and a good book. Depression is all the other things that just don't seem to work out right. Life can take you to some very bad places and I'm just trying to learn how to live with those things. I love to read and I'm a musician. I hope that some day my writing and my music will help some kid like me get through those black places in their lives.
Once again I find myself laying in bed and staring with empty eyes at my room.
In my mind this is not my room, and I am not here.
I view my surroundings as if they are a photo I hold in my hands.
This isn't my life, but a glimpse into someone else's;
I judge them for their mess and chaos.
I admire them for their creativity .
I judge the way they let their partner treat them in this space.
I admire the compassion I see shining through despite that treatment.
I am able to identify both my best-self and my worst-self
While looking down at this snapshot of a strangers room with my bed
May 21, 2025
May 21, 2025 at 12:21 AM UTC
I hear whispered words of defeat
in a voice made of
Whiskey
and
Blunt Smoke
The voice slurs it's words together into
an unbroken chain of pessimism
Slowly these chains
that have been conjured from
thin air
start to curl around my legs locking them in place
As the voice slows down and becomes
more concise
my bindings rise up
Now you see me,
wrapped head-to-toe
not moving
I am surrounded by my own doubts,
Weighted down with my own
choices
I open my mouth,
Intending to use my Words
like Blades
and cut through these chains
when I realize the voice is my own
and I am trapped in a cage of
my own devising
Mar 18, 2020
Mar 18, 2020 at 7:35 PM UTC
Breath in,
Breath out,
and push It all down
Keep moving and never stop
Make it through this day
just to start it all over the next.
The Cycle goes on and on,
and nothing ever gets better....
Because the problem with living for tomorrow is,
that you never remember today.
When you let your only goal be to
'just make it through'
You miss a lot.
You Lose a lot
People, places, and things all drift away today
and all I see is that 'Happier Tomorrow'
Mar 2, 2018
Mar 2, 2018 at 10:00 PM UTC
Met the Devil at the Crossroads
And talked all night
I told him my troubles
And he said he would make it right
"The stress and the worry,
I can make it all fade"
"All I would need is your soul,
Just this one small trade."
I heard what he offered
And the dark things he whispered
Nov 24, 2015
Nov 24, 2015 at 10:30 PM UTC
As a kid you just want to grow up
Even when the adults tell you not to
Independence and adulthood is your focus
When they warned us away from growing up
they forgot to mention a few things:
No one said being an adult would feel like drowning,
like a slow suffocation you do to yourself
You do what you have to in order to survive.
You keep breathing in the things that drown you,
because what else are you going to do with them
But with each breath you sink lower and lower.
With each breath you learn something new about yourself
With each breath you are forced to take under this water made of
bills,
and jobs,
a lot of responility
and not much sleep
you drown a little more
and resign your self to the slow death of adulthood
Sep 10, 2014
Sep 10, 2014 at 6:38 AM UTC
There once was a girl who
Had an insecurity complex
The size
Of the Grand Canyon
She lived with these feelings
And feigned confidence when she could
But sometimes
Well sometimes
She just couldn't
Sometimes she couldn't stop the thoughts
That everything was her fault
That she could've done something more
That she could fix the world
Which sometimes made it all worse
Mar 19, 2014
Mar 19, 2014 at 3:43 PM UTC
My heart screams at me
"DON'T LET LIFE PASS YOU BY!"
but my battered soul sits huddled in the corner
telling me that I don't deserve
love
or happiness
that these things that give me hope
will end up being a mistake
that will lead to even more pain in my life
But I'm tired of being scared
and denying myself
all of the good things in life
So I'm jumping into this
with my eyes open
and hoping I can survive this one
Mar 8, 2014
Mar 8, 2014 at 1:26 PM UTC
being in the presence of a person who must know everything
is drastically different than being by myself,
because I want nothing more than to obliviously exist
to only know what I have to
I have a hard enough time processing what happened years ago
and it just amazes me that you, who has been through so much,
who has seen and done and survived all these things I can't even imagine
that you still ask questions. that you still don't hide from these things.
You make me feel like a coward with all of your questions
But you also make me realize that maybe
I should start hunting my own monsters actively
maybe I should ask more questions
and maybe the answer to your ever pressing question
of how oil and vinegar became such fast friends
is that we needed someone completely opposite
to keep ourselves afloat
Jan 23, 2014
Jan 23, 2014 at 1:52 PM UTC
Who would've thought that
You are still held responsible
For the way you behave
In times of great sorrow
Who would have thought that
The death of a great man
Would also bring about
The death of two great friendships
Boy did I **** up....
Oh man I ****** up
Regret is a living breathing thing
No one told me I was doing wrong
Not even when I got so bad they all left
And now that they are gone, now that they have left me here,
Now I just think of how much a summer of grief can lead to a lifetime of regret
Dec 2, 2013
Dec 2, 2013 at 2:42 AM UTC
A friend asked me how I always managed to stay so happy
And my immediate thought was 'they think I'm happy?'
So I start to think how I can be so depressed
Yet appear so happy
While pondering this misconception
My thoughts stumble and stutter to a stop
I seem to have a road block in my mind
urging me to turn around and never look back
So obviously I surge forward and find
A wall that I have built in my head that is clearly labeled
"THINGS TO PRETEND AREN'T HAPPENING: BEWARE"
This strikes my interest even more.
So I step forward....
As soon as I near the wall it starts to rumble and shake
I reach forward and lay a hand on the wall
The stones
start
to
fall
And the sturdy wall
Starts
to
Crumble
and the memories surge forward
A tidal wave of suppressed stress, and pain
Is this what it's like to drown?
How much of my life don't I remember?
How much of those forgotten things can I actually handle?
Is this what it's like to drown?
These memories range from minor to major
And I have no time to sort through them
As they continue to assault me
I can't breathe
Is this what it's like to drown?
I hear a voice say 'hey are you okay? You don't have to answer me.'
I look at my friend who asked such a simple question
and received such a complex response
and manage to gasp out
'This is what it's like to drown'
Oct 1, 2013
Oct 1, 2013 at 2:27 AM UTC