I told myself not to feel
You came out of nowhere, i laughed at the irony of our collision into an awkward yet somehow
fitting setting
You drew me in on every word
every line oozing with sweet sticky promises
Promises that you almost give up on
No one knows
What I want
How I feel
How I view the world
What holds me back
But you…
You ******* got me
Unguarded
Unafraid
To say how I truly feel
Except; when it comes to us
I can still feel your hands on my face
Inky eyes locked with mine
Intertwined, bound, and tied to each other motionless
We could have stayed there
Forever
Yet, we didn’t
Weekends turned every other
Which then became maybes
My body no longer stamped by the passion you left behind
My heart no longer topped off by the hopes of seeing you
No more countdowns
Now I count how long it takes for the next one to break me down
Tearing through my heart like a giant Christmas present that no one ends up needing
Placed in the corner with the others to be regifted
Leaving behind filaments of gift wrap and fancy ribbon, used to hide the well intentioned gift
No one wants the gift of a heart these days
They want houses, cars, well oiled and machine-like bodies that crawl to them, and classy like a
sorority sister at a keg party (who went to Amherst)
The heart is overdone
The passion that at one time exhumed from our bodies was now beginning to fade into a pitch
black abyss
All that is left is a few memories of Saturdays well-spent
Conversations that went on for hours
And a heart that once again,
Has been drained and bled dry to stop the very beating that you caused
All that’s left is an empty shell
One that i’ll pick up, dust off, wash out and pour myself into again…
This one ******* hurts
Jul 2, 2018
Jul 2, 2018 at 4:04 PM UTC
Here are two pupils
whose moons of black
transform to cripples
all who look:
each lovely lady
who peers inside
take on the body
of a toad.
Within these mirrors
the world inverts:
the fond admirer's
burning darts
turn back to injure
the thrusting hand
and inflame to danger
the scarlet wound.
I sought my image
in the scorching glass,
for what fire could damage
a witch's face?
So I stared in that furnace
where beauties char
but found radiant Venus
reflected there.
May 23, 2018
May 23, 2018 at 9:50 AM UTC
Today started the same way
Get up
Pretend I'm okay
Dress up
Look happy
Happy
So happy
I can't stop smiling
It hurts
It hurts to smile
It hurts to laugh
It hurts to pretend I don't feel
No one understands how I feel
You
make me feel
All that I try to block
I could talk for hours
To you
And never end the discussion
About Kipling or Plath
And the clowns that troll our city in the late night
Politics and the Alt-right
The naysayers and degenerates
How we really feel
All that we hide
In our day to day
All that we are in every way
Embrace it all
Swallow it all
Pretend it doesn't exist
As we watch the other fall
It's our fault
Really
We should have known
But how could we ignore
When it felt like home
Our bodies lying intertwined, as if meant to connect like the missing piece to a puzzle
My head on your chest, listening to every heartbeat
Feeling as if that's exactly where I'm meant to be in that very place and time
Your hands interlocked in my tiny hands as you laugh and tell me it's ok
They're cute
Our legs tied together like twine
As our lips press up against one another's
With every kiss, you inhale more of me
Until I cannot breathe
I'm gasping for air, yet I want more and more of you
Your big strong hands grazing over my body, groping my ******* grabbing my face, ******* in my lips
Intoxicating me
God I ******* want you so bad
Everything about you makes me want you
You make me wet with your words
You touch me and drive me crazy
Your tongue sets me on fire
And every time I fall for you a little more
Even though my head may say no, my heart wouldn't listen
And my heart's a ******* *****
May 21, 2018
May 21, 2018 at 7:15 AM UTC
My chenille duvet covers me
Consumes me
It has swallowed me up again and let me escape
To a world where the bills don’t exist
My homework is finished
The dishes don’t need to be done
The cats are fed and fast asleep
My son obeys to go to school and listen to his teachers
My chenille duvet hides my reality
The reality that
The bills still aren’t paid
The dishes are still there
The homework keeps piling up
The cats are at the foot of my bed, begging to be fed...again
My son has yet again skipped school and tried to come home, not knowing that i am under my duvet
My chenille duvet allows me to feel no pain
It allows me to forget
Even if for a little while
Under my chenille duvet, the world is silent
My feet are warm
My mind stops racing
My heart stops beating as if ravaged through my chest
I can breathe
Every day gets a little bit harder to leave my duvet
My old ragged gray soft duvet
I long for you during the day
On the days when i am in class and don’t have my homework to hand in, because i am so tired
On the days i get a call from my sons school asking where he is, when i know i dropped him off
On the days i get home, and the dishes are still there
On the days i get home from a 12 hour day, and realize i forgot to buy cat food again
On the days i come home and cringe going up the stairs as i pray they didn’t turn my electric off again.
My gray soft fuzzy duvet, I miss you
Why can’t you console me all the time?
I don’t want you to leave me
I need you to stay and make it all go away
May 1, 2016
May 1, 2016 at 9:17 PM UTC
*When I was small
I walked on fairy dust and
my dreams were as tall
as skyscrapers towering
above the universe
inside of me, was the galaxy.
I was born of the cosmos,
full of light and love
passionate in my quest to
give this to others.
But as I grew my star began to fade,
stars need love and light to survive
and deprived of both my blazing fire
transformed into weak candlelight.
At school I had learnt it was easier
to hide your light
than to stand out as different
and be extinguished in an instant.
So I kept myself to myself
at the back of the class,
knowing the answers but not
shouting them out.
I daydreamed, and doodled
stars on the corners
of my books, all the while
I could hear the universe
calling out to me to trust,
that we are all born of this
cosmic stardust.*
Jul 29, 2015
Jul 29, 2015 at 2:59 PM UTC
You could never truly know pain
Until you break someone's heart
Tear through their callous flesh
Rip them apart
Soak their mind in web woven promises
Forever is a long time anyway
Caress them with their last good bye
On knees, awaiting for the answer
The one you can't bear to utter
Through tear stained cheeks
I say to you
I'm sorry, i loved you
But now we are through.
Feb 8, 2015
Feb 8, 2015 at 2:27 PM UTC
you are not your grades or your scars
your height or your weight
you are not your face or the color of your hair
you are the person you define yourself to be
you are who you want to be
you are not the opinion of the people around you
you are your soul
be it old or young
you have lived many lives
and this is just the beginning
Dec 19, 2014
Dec 19, 2014 at 2:17 PM UTC
A darkened soul
Always sees more
Knows what to fear
What it's for
To feel exposed
Try walking free
The dark does follow
It wants to see
Dec 19, 2014
Dec 19, 2014 at 2:15 PM UTC
They creep in silence these tangled thoughts of mine.
Quiet contemplating thoughts and no restriction of time
The what if's and why haven't I's?
They chew you up like a new found obsession
Then spit you out leave you second guessing
Cleanse your mind of all assurance
Build you up then **** your endurance
kind of glad I learned my lesson.
Never let your mind control the weapon
Self doubt
Dec 19, 2014
Dec 19, 2014 at 2:12 PM UTC
Stuck in that awkward state of mind
Not sure what way to turn
Keep it going
Or let it burn
Like a glowing ember on a log
Walk your mind through that dense fog. ..
Dec 19, 2014
Dec 19, 2014 at 1:45 PM UTC