I sit here yet another time with my head in my hands
I really dont know if i can go through this again
I take the test for what seems like the thousandth time
But another negative is all i find
I cant help but bring my hands to my stomach
Wishing i had my own child so that i can love it
What have i deserved to go through this time to time again
God i thought you were suppose to be a helping friend
But now i have to get myself back up off the floor
I cant help but do it again and go back for more.
I cant help but want to have a kid of my own
So i can hold them in my arms and watch them grow
I know that i most likely wont ever get pregnant
I just wish id get at least one miracle present
I missed a period and i been getting sick
I hope its here. I hope this it it
I try not to get my hopes up to high but deep down i think my heart is racing
I *** on the stick, back and forth i start pacing
Two minutes, ding it is up
Gave it one more minute just for good luck
I walk over and look at the stick
Im so nervous as i glance down
Another negative i can feel my self breaking down
Why god just please tell me what is wrong with me
God i am on my knees begging you please
This pain is just to much to bear
I really am starting to get scared
Why? Why can i not concieve
Why? Why so many times have i been decieved
So many false signs
God its like you are laughing at me from the sidelines
I know i am not perfect
I know i am not always fine
Not just a piece or just a big part
I will love my child with all my heart
So i just want to understand why i am going through again
I finally calm myself down
I think i give up on having a child
Trying so hard i mustve gone wild
So then i said i give up
A wall is what i slowly built up
I look in my mirror and my eyes look dull
I see the pain and my wall slowly gets morr tall
Even though i have guarded my mind
Through my eyes my heart is easy to find
It seems it is slowly withering away
I dont even have the words left to say
I look at Jason my fiance
He looks so sad and upset
He said when i agreed to stop trying it's something i regret
You have lost yourself even more than before
I love you with all my heart and even more
How about we find another way
Adoption is what i say
The child will be ours and we will love them as our own
Our love for them will be clearly shown
I lift my head more and tears form in my eyes
I said yes we will give it a try
Aug 11, 2018
Aug 11, 2018 at 10:33 PM UTC
She sits there alone with no feelings being shown
She looks lost with no place to go
Bullying is everything but fun
She has been called every name in the book not even missing one
Her mind use to be a place where she would escape
But it seems to turn into a place where even about herself she would discriminate
They always said repeat the same thing 100 times and you'll start to believe it
She saw they were right because now she don't feel as if she fits
She feels like she shouldn't be a part of this world
It seems as if around and around she twirled
Into a person even she herself didn't even recognize
She looks in the mirror and all she sees is dullness in her eyes
And not just in her eyes she felt as if the dullness reached her heart and soul
As if now within her there is one big hole
She doesn't feel anything like herself
She stopped caring for her and her health
She seemed to be losing weight everyday
And stopped sleeping because the bad dreams wouldn't go away
She seems to get worse everyday
But her mind was a mess and she didn't want help
She has been cutting and told me she's thought about taking her own life
She went home and once again picked up that knife
Instead of her wrist she put it to her throat
She felt happy for once as she slid it acrossed her throat
Mar 25, 2018
Mar 25, 2018 at 12:28 PM UTC
I watch myself do things that I shouldn't, I wish so much that I wouldn't
But it seems like my body just takes over, maybe that's why most of the times I cant stay sober
I always drink to the point that I feel half dead, its like I'm never in my body never in my head
I wish all these thoughts would just go away, I wish so much that I didn't have self hate
But its like i'm not the same person I use to be, my body wants it but my mind doesn't agree
I don't feel like myself anymore, I am still alive but I don't know what for
What I have is called addiction, but I have to hide it so I don't get convicted
I spent all my money on **** and drugs, because I thought drinking and getting high was always enough
I hold the spoon over the flame, that's when I realized I had nobody but myself to blame
I feel like I can never win, as I put the needle deep in my skin
The addiction has all the power, to bring me to my knees at every other hour
I shoot it up in my vein, then I feel my eyes roll back in my brain
Its dark now like it isn't daylight anymore, but I can still hear my best friend banging on the door
I slowly went unconscious but I hear myself yelling at me in my subconscious
I heard him bust the door in then I heard the sirens coming in the distance
So I tried to fight with so much resistance
I tried hard to open my eyes but it seemed like I had no strength to provide
So I just laid there in the darkness, I cant believe I could be this heartless
I couldn't believe this was me
My mom said Id do something good but look what I turned out to be
I gave up on my life and I stopped letting people in
Why did I let the addiction win
Its all my fault, I let everyone down
At least they will all be glad when im no longer around
I feel a hand on mine as my eyes begin to open
I wanted to die, or at least I was hopin'
Alive I am worthless, I need to die because I deserve it
I hurt everyone around me, I hurt myself and my surroundings
Why did I have to try drugs in the first place, why did I think a hug it would replace
Jun 28, 2017
Jun 28, 2017 at 11:06 PM UTC
I sit in bed all alone
I'm staring at the wall like I'm a stone.
I think about all those who have left,
Weren't they the ones i should've kept?
Didn't i need them so i could move on?
Should i turn the page and just forget
Or should i just stay here alone to sit?
Why is the choices in life so hard?
Why are there things we cant afford?
The choices we make we don't know if they are really right or wrong.
We don't know if the pain from them will last that long.
The choices we make interfere with our everyday life,
Because no matter what we do our problems won't just go hide
We have to face them everyday
Because if you don't they'll never go away.
Things don't always work as planned
But you still have the strength to get up and stand
Yea its hard but you'll have to put up a fight
Because this my friend is a part of everyday life
There is happy songs and sad songs
Not all of them end the same
But with either one you can't help but sing
Emotion is something we all have
But some barley show
They try to make it look like they can easily let things go
But we all hide feelings every once in a while
And even if we don't mean to we'll just cover it with a smile
Apr 19, 2017
Apr 19, 2017 at 8:14 PM UTC
I feel a throb with in my heart
It feels like my world is falling apart
I feel like i cant think
My mind is a prison i cant escape
I cry at night sometimes
And I'm tired of telling people I'm fine
My world doesn't seem like it goes round anymore
My whole body is aching and sore
I'm tired hiding my cries with a smile
I wish i could just let it out every once in a while
I might smile outside but inside I'm slowly drowning
People try to wonder why a lot of the times I'm frowning
I smile because i know life goes on
I'm tired of living in the same old song
Yea life ***** but why cant i get over it
I'm tired of feeling pain even if its only a little bit
I need to climb that hill and see the other side
But im always sitting behind a tree alone to hide
I have had alot of nightmares about death
Its always of me taking my last breath
Life is hard but i gotta make it through right?
Shouldn't i go down putting up a fight?
Apr 19, 2017
Apr 19, 2017 at 7:37 PM UTC
The echoing shouts of laughter
Went through her head
She had nowhere to go after
She will never forget the words that where just said
The pain she felt I did not feel
And Her voices were never heard
In the world she was invisible
Or so it seemed to her
Lost in her thoughts she walked the halls
The ones she always felt were empty
She felt her heart hurting as it was in the hand that has sharp claws
She heard her thoughts and her heart sunk more
Now when something happened to her
She doesn't care
She felt like jumping from a building
But she was never dared
Standing on the edge not thinking
She felt her heartbeat and listened as it pumped
Gritting her teeth she braced herself
She didn't think about anything before she jumped
In one thought her life was over
Not one movement
Not one shiver
Death in her blood
Poison in her veins
Despair in her heart
Depressed brain
Sitting on the floor in broken glass
Thinking about her shattered life and shattered past
Someone screamed
Before they checked for life
One again you hear screaming
It's pretty clear that she'd died
Hospitals and Doctors
They check her with the scope
They knew she was dead and there was no hope
But nobody wanted to give up on her or let her go
Crying every night made her weak
Staying up every night made it harder for her to try to sleep
She looked like crap though she never seemed to care
She gave up on her heart and had nothing left to spare
There is a guy out that loves her but she never knew
It is harder for him to get by because he needed you
You were his life
His soul and his joy
But the future he had with you Is now destroyed
Mar 31, 2016
Mar 31, 2016 at 6:48 PM UTC
What do I feel? I don't know
But when I know it's hard to show
I hide it inside so I don't look weak
There are times I do not sleep
My mind is filled with so many thoughts that my mind goes blank
I know that doesn't make since but it is true
My mind is filled with so many things but I forget once it comes to you
I don't like smiling but when you are around my smile appears
I have a hard time saying I love you because that is one of my fears
I don't talk much but there are reasons why
It's because I hold so much in side
I don't think I'm that pretty
And I know for a fact that I'm not perfect
And for some reason people think I'm worthless
People told me that so much I'm starting to believe it to
I try so hard to makes things right
I try so hard to help people fight their fights
But I guess I am no help at all
Sometimes I feel like hiding in a bathroom stall
I have been called ugly and fat I also
I have been called **** and ***** but there is only so much more
I have punched walls that left scars on my knuckles
I don't like to believe it when people say 'I love you'
I also don't believe it when people say 'I'm never leaving you'
Because I just see that as a lie
I see everyone leaving my life just as they came in
I see them leaving without leaving a note or even a pen
I can never think of a subject to talk about with you
But that's ok because you are the same way too
I wonder if you have second thoughts
And if it will always be this rough
I never thought loving someone could be this tough
I get butterflies when I see you
When your around me I get excited too
I never realized loving you so much
Could make me doubt it
I don't want to worry about finding someone I love
I worry that I will never be enough
The thought of losing you makes me break down
How can I be happy and yet doubt you will always be around
Don't think for a second I am doubting your love
I just feel
Everything is going to fall apart
How can something be so good without it ending in a broken heart
In the beginning I thought it was fake
I couldn't help but think loving you is a mistake
The question is
Do you care?
Do you even know, that I never want to let you go?
But will you always be there?
Will you ever let me go?
If I cried
Would you take all the pain away?
If for any reason you lied
Would I still want you to stay?
My love for you is strong
I can not forget
Some people might say I'm making a mistake
I hope loving you won't be something I regret
Your part
I hear your problems and wipe away your tears
I love you with all my heart and that's my biggest fear
I can't get you out of my head
Everywhere I look
In the sky or on the ground
I notice your always around
You stole my heart mind and soul
With you I want to grow old
Your a girl I just met
Your just my friend I said to myself
Every time we meet I take a deep breath
When she looks at me like that I feel like I'm in the spot
I catch her eyes sometimes
Believing my own lies that she feels something to
I take my chance to get one quick glance
I look up at her and I notice she is already staring back at me
She looks away and feel my heart skip a beat
I let out the breathe I was holding
And I feel my walls slowly unfolding
One day I came up to you and tried to talk
You looked at me then looked back at your work
You started writing without saying a word
For a week I tried to get you to talk
On Monday you looked at me and smiled
For a while there I thought you were a mute child
I said hi and you answered back
When I heard you speak I almost had a heart attack
Mar 24, 2016
Mar 24, 2016 at 6:40 AM UTC