I have said
I’m sorry
So many
Times
So many different
Ways
That once upon a time my mouth forgot how to make other shapes
And I’ve had to work on rebuilding
Brick by brick
So many times that I fear this red clay
Will never leave my nails
And I promised that I would better at
Anticipating
So that I could break the windows of this home before anyone else had a chance to even pick up a stone
Once upon a time I made my resolution
Under the fireworks
And god, I’m
T r y i n g
And other people aren’t homes
But this space is so much more comfortable
With a few other souls.
I don’t mean to run,
But sometimes I just have to go.
But,
Have a cup of coffee with me sometime,
Don’t forget your jacket,
I miss you,
This made me think of you,
Remember that time we danced in the rain?
I’ll see you soon,
And if you didn’t hear me say it earlier,
love you.
Nov 14, 2017
Nov 14, 2017 at 3:24 PM UTC
There are days when this depression is a
Whisper
A ghost hiding in the corner
That feeling that you just can’t shake but never
See
That buzz in the back of your
Skull a bee’s nest
There are days when I say I’m okay and I
Mean it
And there are days the covers are lined with lead
I’ve never been a weightlifter but I know the
Feeling of crushed lungs
This bed is an ocean and I am out to sea
With no anchor
Rough water
Tossed overboard
There are days when this depression is standing
On the shore, yelling
“You should have learned to swim”
But thank the
Universe
For handing you a life jacket and a map to me.
-Alyssa Faye Heckart
Nov 3, 2017
Nov 3, 2017 at 11:11 PM UTC
Lately, there are more nights than not
when my body doesn't feel like
home
my skin just seems like sets of walls
that I don't know,
and how can I invite someone in when I
cant even find the key to
unlock
the front door?
And I know that homes aren't made
from other people,
and I thought I knew every piece of chipped paint,
every section of snagged carpet,
but I've found ghosts wandering the halls,
and I just need a place to
stay
for now.
Jul 13, 2017
Jul 13, 2017 at 2:12 AM UTC
I read Harry Potter when I was a little girl,
listened closely as my father
did all the voices,
just right
every time,
Knew that magic wasn't really real,
but knew it felt like it could be,
carved a symbol made from story into my forearm as a reminder that
magic is what you make of it and home
is never as far away as it seems,
and I sometimes forgot what faith felt like,
wondering how I ever believed that
magic
could be more than just words printed on a page.
Now every time you whisper my name,
I am reminded that all magic needs
is someone to believe.
Jul 12, 2017
Jul 12, 2017 at 12:00 AM UTC
I have been so many things.
I was crafted from dirt roads and
bathed
in starry nights.
Given hair the color of too much
sun.
I once surrounded myself with city walls
just to see if I was carved from stone,
or if my
limbs
could rival twisted steel.
Passed by buildings with far too many windows,
just to see if I could spot
myself
in the glass.
I have planted seeds and hoped to see them sprout in
hours,
just so I could believe I could find myself as fast.
I have learned that gardens don't grow in hours,
that life can take
days
weeks
or even months to see the sun.
And my bones are buried deep.
I can only keep
reaching
towards
the
light.
Apr 3, 2017
Apr 3, 2017 at 1:17 AM UTC
From a young age
I made myself
Hard
To handle.
Said that I would be impossible
To love
Because that was
Easier
Than getting
Hurt again.
"It will be a challenge
To find someone who can
H a n d l e
Me
Because girls like me are
H a r d
To love".
But laying next to
You
I have never felt so
Soft.
Mar 19, 2017
Mar 19, 2017 at 1:52 AM UTC
I have never,
In my whole
Life,
Needed anyone.
By as we lay here,
Tracing lazy circles on each other's skin,
I can think of so many other things I've been
Wrong about.
Mar 4, 2017
Mar 4, 2017 at 6:24 PM UTC
And sometimes,
It is all I can do
To just be.
To just breathe.
I am not always
Sunshine and
"Well look who it is?"
Some days I am just
"Sorry" and
"I'm trying my best".
Some days I am sugar and cream in my coffee,
And some days I am
Full to the brim
Cup after cup of sorrow and
"No, I'm just tired".
No, I'm just tired.
No, I'm just tired.
Jan 31, 2017
Jan 31, 2017 at 12:45 AM UTC
And maybe I was born
With this feeling at home in my bones.
This weight
This constant thought
That I am not
Enough.
Or maybe it's a
Poison.
Trapped in my veins from the first time I was
Bitten
By words far sharper than my
Thick skin
Could handle.
So I am stuck.
Between the notion that I am a forest
Rooted in sorrow
Or a
Patient
Waiting for exsanguination
So that the poison is pushed out
And I can begin to
Flow
Again.
Oct 27, 2016
Oct 27, 2016 at 12:34 AM UTC
One day, it will happen.
Love will open the door and walk into your life.
Silent, unannounced.
Like a house guest you didn't know was coming.
At first, Love may be quiet,
Speaking only in questions, learning about you.
It will ask that you let it in, give it the key to the gate you have built around your scarred heart.
And you will refuse.
And Love will not push.
Instead, Love will pull.
Prying fears from your mind, and taking tears from your eyes.
And Love will replace them with stars it has carried in its pocket since the moment it first learned you existed.
"Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails."
Love may not show up when you expect.
Where you expect.
Love may not be as you have always pictured.
It will find you when you least expect it.
In a coffee shop,
On the way home.
In the smile of a stranger that you swear you've seen before.
Love will meet you exactly where you are meant to be.
And you will recognize Love, and you will remember Love, for part of your soul was placed in Love's heart when it was first given breath.
Love will find you where you are.
And you will feel the
whole
world
change.
May 1, 2016
May 1, 2016 at 10:21 AM UTC