after awhile you get sick of sitting in an empty room
with empty thoughts
and empty feelings
you get exhausted from even getting up and going to the fridge
you feel trapped, isolated, like you cant control anything
and that's not the worst because you don't know how to get yourself out of the rut
and no matter how many people tell you to just get up and take a shower,
you cant
they say it'll make you "feel better"
but ******** you say because they don't know what its like to have this disease eating at your brain,
telling you nothings going to be okay
you have this fantasy of what life's supposed to be like
and sitting in your room by yourself 24 hours of the day is not how its supposed to be
but sometimes you get the energy to walk over to your mirror
and been though you know its a bad idea
you stand there and all you can see looking back at you is
someone you're ashamed to be
someone who you though you'd never be
and when you decide its enough torture for one day
you lay back down in bed
turn on some sad music
and roll over
and decide to sleep
because the dreams that you encounter in your sleep
are much better then anything you've ever experienced awake
Aug 22, 2014
Aug 22, 2014 at 4:08 AM UTC
i try to leaves hints that i am falling apart but no one is picking up on them
and i am trying to keep it together for now so i can at least suffer in scilence for a little while
and i have had this urge to take the blade into my skin again
and its been three months
since i last had the relief and i wonder will it work as well as it did before?
because i remember laying on the bathroom floor
screaming in agony because the blood just kept dripping out
but no one heard me
my mom across the hall didnt hear me
i try to be someone who i am not
and i am trying to be what these ******** want me to be
but at the end of the day all i want is a ******* bowl in one hand
and the ******* blade in the other
and i know that sounds ******
but i don't know how else to say it without just coming out and being completely honest
and although nobody who cares about me will read this
but someone will
at least i think
actually im laying on the bathroom floor right now,
wondering if its worth it
to take the cold piece of metal
and wow my writing has been so ****** lately
and i dont know how to fix myself anymore because i cant count on my fingers anymore how many times ive had to put myself back together
and i use the word and a lot and im sorry but for ***** sake someone talk to me
let me cry on your shoulder
let me be me
let me laugh
let me smile
let me listen to awful pop music with you
and let me let you be happy too.
Jun 11, 2014
Jun 11, 2014 at 11:07 PM UTC
Her thoughts consist of negativity
and no matter how hard she tries she cant find anything she
likes about herself
but the list of things she hates could go on forever
her appearance
her soul
her outlook on everything
her voice
her walk
her handwriting
but one day while walking in the park
she saw a little girl holding her moms hand
and it made her fall in love with the way she walks
she witnessed a man propose to his girlfriend
and it made her head over heals in love with
her freckles and the way her gums showed when she smiled
she discovered a four leaf clover and took a pen and
traced it onto her notebook and that made her
appreciate her handwriting
she saw a boy sitting alone and she devoured the way
her soul reached out to him
she sat down next to the boy and before she could
say anything he told her she was beautiful
and that made her find a passion for her voice
when she got home and laid in bed that night
she saw that a little girl, a girls fiance, a friendly boy, and a four leaf clover
made her fall in love with who she was
and said
"if that's not truly beautiful then i don't know what is"
May 4, 2014
May 4, 2014 at 12:06 PM UTC