The voices in my head
The voices that always say
That I'm not good enough
That I'm not capable of love
That i'm ****** to be hurt
Bleed to death
Keeps getting louder
And louder
and LOUDER
UNTIL I HAVE TO SCREAM
TO TALK AND COAX MYSELF.
Each time I think
I had the best, the better of me
They keep coming at me
Throwing shades
Making me feels small
Like I'm not enough
Like I'm not going to make it
You say that it's in my head
But i feel them in my bones
You say that I am okay
But I cry myself to sleep
You say I'm happy
When i'm holding in the tears
You say I'm going to breakthrough
But all I see is a quick exit
Nothingness taste bitter
And the suffering is getting sweeter
Life is getting saltier
And daylight is going sour.
And here i am
Stuck in the endless cycle
Of self pity and euphoria.
Aug 29, 2019
Aug 29, 2019 at 1:19 PM UTC
Stuck thinking about me
Thinking, reminiscing, thinking
If only and what if
Slowly losing myself
I see myself crying on the bathroom floor until my eyes they sore
I'm used
I'm bruised
Abused
I wish I'm at the sea
Wishing the wave would float me away
Or just sunk me deep
I'm stuck
Thinking, reminiscing, thinking
Couldn't move myself forward
Cannot end what have I begun.
Oct 3, 2018
Oct 3, 2018 at 10:47 AM UTC
I've chased the butterfly
I've chased the pain away
Now i can rectify
To build my own gateway
My mind they stop running
I can now sit and say
My mind they chose to stay
I say no more running
At times I am slipping
On this slippery way
Slipping again from you
And no one catching me
Each fall i fell deeper
Each fall I am scattered
i had to hoard and build
My decaying body
Using words and my tears
Each fall took my perfection away
Broken but they work anyway
If not, eventually
They'll work
My body,
They'll work
If not now
Eventually.
Oct 2, 2018
Oct 2, 2018 at 4:26 AM UTC
Never thought it could break me once more,
You said you will be there through everything,
But you bail out when everything was at stake,
Leaving me alone collecting the broken pieces of everything we build together.
Overthinking all the words you ever say,
Cause you left me hanging at the last word you say,
I'm finding the way to make you stay,
Cause I am not ready to push my feeling away.
You left marks all over my chest,
You keep my regret checked,
You take your leave when you decide i am no longer your muse.
Funny how I'll be forgiving,
Even when you choose to let me go,
This heart will always beats for you,
I'm tired for not listening to myself,
Even when i'm about to lose it to the blues.
No one sees the pain behind that smile, i smiled.
Drink up the lies all of you ever shoved down through my throat.
Drive me to the edge of everything.
To the point I might just succumb to end my chapters right here.
But don't worry, i'll keep walking even when no one else is here with me.
Sep 13, 2018
Sep 13, 2018 at 4:30 AM UTC
Staring into the blinding light of the morning rays,
I thought I saw heaven by the graceful dance of light between the clouds,
But it was just light shimmering through the crack of the sky.
Swimming in the vast open ocean of an unknown depth,
I took a dive and I thought I saw heaven through light dispersing between waves into the waters,
But it was just rays glistening among the broken wavelet.
Saunter through a green and yellowish valley with wind stronger than your breath,
I thought I saw heaven perfectly captured betwixt hills and mountains and flow of rivers,
But it was just a picture of my sweet gateway from my mental bedlam.
May 17, 2017
May 17, 2017 at 5:25 AM UTC
I remembered the Sequoia
I haven't forgotten
I remembered the Acacia
I haven't forgotten
I remembered
I'm seeing Amaranth
I'm seeing Allure
I'm seeing Aragon
I'm seeing Azure
Aurora
I felt the mist
I tasted the fog
I drank the dew
I heard the rain
resurrect
I know the hum
I know the beat
I know the rythm
I know the sound
Orchestral
Winter is warming
Summer is overated
Autumn is serene
Fall is saddening
I feel
This ambience is tranquil
Sometimes horrifying
This atmosphere is pacific
Sometimes petrifying
The sensation of being solus
The sensation of being unloved
The sensation of being foible
Me.
Apr 15, 2017
Apr 15, 2017 at 8:18 AM UTC
Underneath this thick layer of trust,
There's an emerging lily of doubtness.
Underneath this thick layer of promises made,
There's hope, germinating.
Underneath this thick blanket of snow,
We're blooming flowers.
As it melt,
We start seeing eye to eye.
And decided
To walk away.
Mar 24, 2017
Mar 24, 2017 at 5:42 AM UTC
In this battlefield,
Again,
Against my running out of time body
Against me
Am i defeated?
In this battlefield
Where my bullets are chemical
And my armour is my will
I tried to cover-up this bigger-by-the-minute sinking hole
That has devour on my times
And my sins,
In this battlefield of re-occuring,
It seems i am all a lone-ranger,
In this battlefield of happening inside my body,
It seems i am weakened by the toxic
Of negativity and hatred that grows beside me
In this battlefield
I don't know if i will win
But i will try to convince
Myself
That you are what you need
And thus
I pleaded to the universe rain me with your majestic positivity and light me through the dark night unseen
Away from this sickening battlefield.
Nov 13, 2016
Nov 13, 2016 at 4:09 AM UTC
The waves of September crashing hard,
Onto the shore of deserted island,
Sculpting a sand sculpture of two lovers,
That promises forever but lasted a jiffy.
Still in blue from the bitter truth,
But what can I do, the choice is yours,
To stay or to leave.
Sensing the scent of yours,
Every night,
Smell like the open sea and cold cosy night breeze,
A little bit of dampen forest floor,
With wild black roses and daffodil.
In the night of middle September,
I thought I have deceased you from my thought,
But I am hiding you further and further inside my mind.
The waves are no longer violence now,
The moon is no longer blocked by dark clouds,
And I am no longer blinded by feelings.
I lied.
Sep 27, 2016
Sep 27, 2016 at 5:50 AM UTC
Cloudy,
the sky is filled with heavily condensed water,
and birds flying away taking shelters,
and swaying long grass dancing,
whilst all I can hear is the loud sound of leaves blown by the wind,
No sun,
no shines,
clouds are marching,
soon, very soon,
waters gonna fall,
under the broken bus stop,
with broken rooftop and rusting metal,
I hold my small Carmine coloured umbrella
with the lush green leaves paint the background
the sky cried,
and the tears dropped onto my umbrella,
and millions more followed,
the tense smell of water mixing with the earth,
the smell of rain,
the smell of loneliness
perfectly captured by my friend, nature,
I stood there, looking upward
heavily cloud is darkening and darkening,
it is crying it most heavy downpour,
and all the nature too, silent,
and all the nature too are in deep grieve,
water is rising and drowning my feet,
the ambience is not creepy but tranquillizing
nature most expensive marijuana,
As cold as the ice,
clear like crystal,
so pure, so wild,
the heavenly droplets,
I stood so long at the bus stop,
waiting for the one bus that never arrived,
my feet were numb and start to sore,
move on,
move on,
so I let the rain washed away my uncertainty,
I took the first step,
of my agonizing journey,
through the deserted road,
whilst the rampaging storm is abusing me,
I decide to lose my umbrella to the wind,
and learn how to dance in the rain,
After a storm comes a rainbow,
the saying goes,
I believe in those,
cheap and cheezy echoes,
Rain or shine,
I am fond of them all,
nature is wild
wild is good
good for my unsettling soul,
so let's dance,
dance in this cold unbearable blizzard of rain,
of feelings,
let the healing begin,
aren't we all need healing?
Jul 16, 2016
Jul 16, 2016 at 5:04 AM UTC