Take me back to yesterday,
where the grass was noticeably greener and the water was warm to the touch.
The trees stood tall, and when you looked up the Sun spilled yellow happiness straight down your throat. No worries about choking, because dancing with the Sun was enough.
Reverse the clock,
and let me live in a fantasy.
Please, oh please
don't leave me here to be.
I can't deal with it here today.
I can hear all of their negative thoughts screaming at me as I walk past and as I walk away I'm struck by lightning, as punishment from the Gods themselves, forcing me to sit and listen and listen.
My only state of euphoria is thinking back to when the Sun was setting and the air was breathing cold, but there wasn't a care in the world.
Take me back to yesterday,
where my breathing wasn't staggered,
and I wasn't constantly looking for my lighthouse.
Thirty shiny stars, and a single dull dime.
Tell me, please, that when I go, it will all get better.
Oct 26, 2019
Oct 26, 2019 at 11:02 PM UTC
I've try my **** hardest to feel loved, accepted.
I lead people to fall in love, and leave them because I can. Even though I promised them different.
I complain about boys, but the boys aren't the problem it's me. I'm the one who makes these problems for myself because it's easier to push everyone away and deal with those consequences as they come, rather than to accept my forever fate. I say it's because I'm young, I can't find the one. I know all the right things to say, so they'll stick around, even after i've left them in the dust too many times, but I do know not to say love. It confuses them, and me.
I know love isn't in my heart, never has. Heartbreak started before I was born. When my father didn't want me, my mother couldn't have truly wanted me, after all she was 16, everyone around me was burdened by me before I even opened my eyes.
I hear it a lot, "you look, remind me of your mother" "You remind me so much of myself" "My mini me" You have the same issues, depression, bipolar, trust issues, and failure to commit, it's pretty insignificant, but it's lurking there, in my head. Scratch that it all races through my veins, and I'm surrounded by it, as everyone I know is infected by it too.
It commitment even real? As far as I know, it's something I couldn't even imagine. I have these people trying to get at me, claiming, "Let it be just me and you baby" but every time I fall for those lies, I can't help to start chasing a different one, more and more.
Picking up that bottle seems like second nature. Along with my issues, I was blessed with addiction, that's racing through my veins more than commitment isn't. I'm told not to let it get out of hand, after all I've seen what it does to people. But I can't help but find myself longing for the next time I can feel the warmth of that liquid as it slides down my throat. Longing for the next time I can place that skinny piece of paper between my fingers, lighting it as the smoke slithers down to find my lungs, inhaling to insure it's doing it's job, then exhaling to see the smoke dance around the air that's consuming me. Longing for the next time I can feel happiness. Longing for the next time I can punch something to release my anger, because we all know I can't do it creatively.
Sep 17, 2019
Sep 17, 2019 at 10:26 PM UTC
I sat there, silent tears falling off my not high - not sharp- cheekbones.
I sat there while you continued shoving yourself father down my throat.
Did you know I was crying? Would you have cared?
I got up, and he looked at me sympathetically. As though he wasn't screaming at me, "You know you want this." "Come on. No one will know. No one has to know. It'll be quick."
Did you not get the hint when I began lying there lifeless,
almost, close enough? Did you not think to stop when I said
no? When I couldn't find myself to look at you while you were
committing your act? Would you have stopped if you could've
heard my thoughts?
At least he had the decency to drive me home, this time.
May 22, 2019
May 22, 2019 at 10:20 AM UTC
I attempt to wash him completely out of me.
Scrub every inch of body because His hands have grazed over it all.
I fill the bath up with bubbles so I can't see my body's black and blue Bruises and scars that run so deep.
He likes to touch me with his rough hands. Feel me for what I am,
just another warm blooded girl.
But tell me what can I do except let it happen?
And then I turn the lights off so I'm left just to think.
Think and think until my mind goes blank,
And that's where I like it so my mind won't make up crazy stories like Real love and happiness.
My tears fill up the bathtub so I don't need to waste our water,
I spend my time crying until my eyes can't handle another tear.
My fingertips begin to wrinkle up,
So I drag myself out.
Motivation just seems to hurt more than his hits to my face.
I get out dry myself off and set my face in a clean coat of makeup like He likes, but not too much because I just look like a cheap *****
and not too little because He tells me I look not pretty.
I put on that dress He tells me He just loves,
because it shows Him my curves, and hangs down real low. He knows it's just for Him.
I get out of the bathroom and am greeted by my love,
He's not red with horns and a flaming torch,
But I know for sure it's Him.
May 18, 2019
May 18, 2019 at 7:45 PM UTC
does the sun still shine in hell?
will I still be able to gaze back into your eyes when all is not well?
If everything ends in a disaster,
will you still think of me swell?
I'm beginning to dwell.
Pardon me for jumping to conclusions.
It's just this has happened before,
and I struggle to believe you'd be like them too.
So tell me my love,
Does the sun still shine in hell?
May 18, 2019
May 18, 2019 at 11:33 AM UTC
Short and sweet.
Let's reminisce on what you meant to me.
Although it wasn't enough for you,
and those night time conversations became day time affairs,
which seemed to take up all of our time,
you still made it to my favorite color.
Only you could make me that blue,
That smiley face yellow,
and all the colors in between.
How sweet it was to be so close to you,
even though you'll never say we got so.
I guess the relationship was one-sided,
but you were a catch.
Weren't you?
May 18, 2019
May 18, 2019 at 11:30 AM UTC
at 16 years old i fell in love with a boy
with the most beautiful brown eyes i'd ever seen
god if he looked at you the way he does at me
i promise you'd fall too, but
i only paint in blue now
it's not his fault but
i'm kind of really worn down now
it's not his responsibility but
he's breaking all his vows now
says he's always there but
finds an out somehow now
i wish someone would just teach me how
now
to feel okay getting out of bed in the morning, i mean
i know it's the middle of january
and the skies are always grey
but the coldness is much deeper
and the frost comes by and freezes anything liquid
so i guess it makes sense that frozen tears are tripping
down my face
dripping over lace
lies and cries and "yes, i'm fine"s
and it's not just the snow
it's always the rain
disdained complaints of a battle with pain, i mean
every time i open my eyes a little piece of me dies
even with his lips
speaking poetry to the skies
i am still not sleeping at night
my lunch goes uneaten
even the way he touches me
never translates to my dreaming
the nights are always cold now
i've got no one to hold now
'cause the only other person that's ever slept in my bed
is off with the boy who only loved me in my head
i SWEAR i'm happy for them
oh, can't you tell?
i swear i'd smile for you
if i wasn't living in Hell
she was caught in those oceans
the same way as i did
but this time it's all them
it's not one-sided
and that was the first
start to the worse
syllables falling apart when we
used to be well-versed
i'm burst, feel cursed
no way to reverse
i'm sorry this is all over the place
it's a little unrehearsed
but he's running
and she's with him,
he finally found someone that can keep up
i never joined track freshman year so
i can't keep up
but i miss her
more than i kiss him
and yeah, that's a lot--
i guess that's the difference
'cause yes, i found my prince
but we're both struggling to be strong
finally buckling under the things
we've been hiding for so long
but the darkness is the one thing
not changing with the seasons
conspiracy against my own heart
is still technically treason
call me an anti-hero-- i was that night
body on the floor seizing,
doing all the wrong things
for all the right reasons
i'm both objective, subjective, painfully adept at
burning bridges and then regretting the decision
envisioned a better revision
not this painfully clear collision
incision, indecision
no good at provision
my words have become jumbled,
the truth blurs to lies
but he really does have
the most beautiful brown eyes.
-a.c.b
Apr 24, 2019
Apr 24, 2019 at 12:28 PM UTC