Do you ever
wish you could just
throw yourself into
the blackness and
the cold and
the loneliness just so
you can be rid of
it all?
The pain and
the misery and
the suffering and
the perpetual despair
and you just want
everything to disappear,
and you welcome us like
you expect your death to be
warm and
inviting and
almost like a hug.
It pains us so, sometimes;
how you all seem to
crave our scythes.
Apr 3, 2014
Apr 3, 2014 at 5:40 PM UTC
they took my hand, held it,
told me how soft it was. {you've never worked a day in your life.}
maybe ive lost track of myself,
forgotten the present for
a glorified past;
i had callouses there.rough armor-skin scraping my arms, or
i thought i did, but
you can never trust the body and how it undoes its own defenses.
i wore away my purpose and
i am waiting to believe i am real.
there are gaps in my mouth and when i breathe i hiss; you told me *dont worry,
i still love you,
i made a necklace from your teeth.*
her shirt rides up and i think of kissing the small of her back.
somehow i have grown soft,
my thighs give to any hand that presses.my arms have lost their harshness.
i feel unsafe.my clavicle is too thin to be a shield, you told me
you like the way
my skin yields to you, you asked me why
i grow my fingernails so long.
have i always been this vulnerable?i dont like how fragile i feel,
delicate and weak, this is not me.this is not me.
i remember being sharp edges to dig into ribs.
crude bone,
body strong enough at least to hold the door shut.
identity strong enough at least to sketch a line between me
and you.
stark boundaries of light and dark make me so afraid
that i blur it all to gray.
the back of my hand is streaked red
from all the lipstick ive rubbed off, strangers ask
how i hurt myself so much.when you left your lipstick on my mouth,
i wore it like a bruise
and lost it on the mouth of a nameless boy.
i never meant to grow up like this.i do not feel like myself and
i do not feel anything for you
though i want to.do you remember the first word you realized meant more
than its definition,
the sum of its parts?
my mother told me my twin died in the womb and when i found the word 'implosion,' i knew
nothing would fit better.
i am a slow implosion.
pragmatic destruction, dissociating others,
shrapnel within, never without.
the roof back home is sloped, i think of slipping
while it rains.the trails here are gnarled.
the trees are too tall to climb.
look at this:
im pressing rabbit's feet into your hands, im weaving 4-leaf clovers
into your hair.im filling your pockets with coins. im just unlucky in life, you said.
*unlucky in who i give pieces of myself to.
im always betting on the wrong horse, falling for bluffs and parlor tricks,
misdirection, legerdemain,
sleight-of-hand.*
take them, i dont want them, you need them more than me.
i dont want luck and complacency, i want to grow rough again, i want to feel safe.
you love me and it hurts, i want my teeth back.you knocked them out but that does not make them yours.
maybe this is how its supposed to be, maybe this is how it works,
maybe love is a ****** brick and soft bruised arms but all i want is my edges back,
caution tape, this girl is
a demolition zone.
you are not in this room and this is what matters.
you have never been in this room and
this is what matters.
Apr 3, 2014
Apr 3, 2014 at 5:07 PM UTC
The world through her eyes
Was full of objects, events
Half of which she'd never care about
And the other half
Would never care about her.
The world through her eyes was
Monochrome, black and white.
Everyday the same painful,
Torturous routine called life.
The world through her eyes
Was colourful, too.
Filled with a rainbow of personalities and characters
She would never become.
The world through her emerald green eyes.
Everything was beautiful, fascinating,
Other than herself.
Apr 3, 2014
Apr 3, 2014 at 4:35 PM UTC
I threw myself up against the wall
Because I needed to feel something.
I squeezed my eyes shut tight
Because
I needed your fingers in my hair,
The weight of your thighs
On mine,
The tip of my minty tongue on your lip.
The quivering of your core and your breath
Tangled with my own
When I speak to you without words
and without sounds.
Because I needed
To just feel.
Apr 3, 2014
Apr 3, 2014 at 4:07 PM UTC