i don't know who i want you to be
anymore
i wanted you.
only you.
curled into you on the couch.
your eyes.
running my fingers through your hair and down your back over and over.
soft neck kisses.
stories in the dark.
bad singing in bed.
all i wanted you to be was stuck in that time.
mine.
i wanted to be the girl you told your friends back home about.
the girl u told your sister about.
the one you'd show off.
i wanted you to want me.
our sweet nights faded
as everything does --
i settled for being the girl you just wanted to ****
even if it was nothing to you,
it kept you here.
at least it meant you wanted me -- part of me.
then, all you had to be was the guy who called me at 3 am after the party was over.
because at least you'd call.
i don't know who i want you to be anymore.
Nov 2, 2019
Nov 2, 2019 at 2:59 PM UTC
if i had to describe you,
the only way would be
inevitable.
you were always coming to me,
in ways i never could have seen until you were here.
you. you. you.
it's constant,
never ceasing to take a break,
ever pulsing.
I cannot escape
you.
I've carried my heavy limbs miles away from running my fingers down your back and through your curly hair.
I've cut myself off from sending you the thousands of messages I surely would have.
I don't know how to escape you.
you're inevitable to me.
even when you're gone,
and I swear it's over, for good this time,
I feel you coming back to me,
and I pray that you'll always be this
inevitable
home.
(a.g.)
Aug 28, 2019
Aug 28, 2019 at 3:16 PM UTC
Everyone one of them I couldn’t hold –
The first was like honey;
Sweet, lingering,
Slowly, sloppily, dripping off my fingers
As I realized I could no longer hold it.
Even as it slipped,
The sticky residue remained.
I’ve washed and washed a hundred times over
And still find the first one –
Sticky in all tiny creases I was sure I had scrubbed.
The second – sand.
I held closely to each grain,
Praying I could keep them,
Praying they’d magically solidify into something I could clutch;
Something I could keep.
The second slipped away,
Grain by grain,
Now there’s just the scent that I sometimes catch.
The third… is inconclusive.
The third appeared solid
But then quickly slipped away the second I tightened my hands around it
To keep it close.
3 comes back to me the second I am fine with its absence,
Until I try to grasp it –
My hands left restless and searching.
But am I meant to find something to hold?
Or am I meant to only have the residue,
The lingering,
Of all that once was,
And now is,
Me.
(a.g.)
May 2, 2019
May 2, 2019 at 6:43 PM UTC
how fragile this thing is...
you're not fully mine,
we spend so many nights
fully intertwined.
it feels like you're mine,
+ just as I almost let myself give into the idea you are,
just as I almost let the forbidden words slide off my tongue
effortlessly,
as they know no other way –
I remember that you aren’t mine
you don’t want to be.
I don’t know how close I can let you get –
you’ve already passes all the boundaries
put in place for all the others.
but you –
I give you everything.
I’m fully yours for the taking.
its so easy to be yours and give all I have to you,
but you aren’t fully mine
and you never will be.
Jan 31, 2019
Jan 31, 2019 at 6:32 PM UTC
Isn't it funny,
I can convince myself I deserve roses and songs and grand gestures and all the little sweet things,
I can convince myself that I won’t settle for anything less.
But, none of that seems to matter with you.
I worship at your feet that could kick me away a hundred times,
Bruised ribs and skin raw,
I’d come crawling back to you each time.
I’d give everything I own to touch your sweet lips
Or look at that smile;
You could chew me to pieces and spit me out
And I’d still want nothing more than you.
Isn’t it funny that I’d choose to be treated like **** in your arms
Than to be in the arms of someone who would worship me.
None of it matters when it comes to you.
(a.g.)
Jan 8, 2019
Jan 8, 2019 at 7:11 PM UTC
I’m waiting for you to see it …
As they all have before.
That my eyes don’t carry as much light as you thought they did,
That I don’t know how to hold you in the ways you’d like,
That I’m not enough.
I’m praying that you don’t see it;
As you wrap your arms around me and bring me to your chest,
And carefully place tender kisses on my head,
With the same lips that carry the best smile my heart has known,
And you have these eyes that I don’t think I could ever forget,
And looking into them is like finding something sacred and new
and I can imagine years passing… but your eyes and the way they look at me –
that remains untouched.
I’m praying you don’t see it;
As I wake up next to you,
Your hand still in mine, holding me just as you had the night before --
You traced my fingers so gently until I fell asleep.
As our eyes meet and the purest smile forms on your face
just before you lean in to kiss me.
I’m praying you don’t see it…
(a.g.)
Oct 22, 2018
Oct 22, 2018 at 3:49 PM UTC
Sometimes everything clicks –
Just a glimpse and I know it’ll be gone.
In the midst of the chaos and confusion,
the sun set on the “almosts”
and led to this golden dawn.
There you were,
unassumingly + perfectly placed in my world;
waiting for me.
I don’t remember how it started, or how exactly I was led to you,
But you make sense.
In the middle of it all –
Fire alarms, crowds of people,
You found me.
There are only flashes of everything else --
Brown eyes, your shirt, the color green, drunken conversations about Parks and Rec,
a piece of gum, the way you looked back at me when you got in the car…
a sureness that I’d see you again.
Here we are in this golden hour.
I know this epiphany won’t last forever --
I'll hold it close while it does.
You overwhelm me with this feeling
that everything is falling into place.
Even if it’s all gone by sunset,
I’m glad it all led to you --
right now.
(a.g.)
Oct 10, 2018
Oct 10, 2018 at 5:52 PM UTC
I want to believe the best in you,
But I can’t bring myself to do it.
Every time I get close,
Every time I give into that cautious optimism --
convincing myself to inch closer and closer to the ledge --
I’m left alone, wondering why I wasn’t enough, or if I did something wrong;
Clawing to get back to something that was never even there.
But you seem so good.
I’m stuck in your kind eyes
+ the lightness of your laugh
+ the way you hold me close and run your fingers through my hair.
Your smell is still on my clothes,
and I can’t stop smiling.
You seem gentle,
And kind and smart and brave.
You seem like exactly what I’m looking for…
But, they always do.
They always say what I want to hear,
And they all feel like home,
For a little while,
Until it isn’t enough anymore...
And it’s like nothing ever happened.
Oh God, I hope this is different.
I hope you’re different.
(a.g.)
Oct 8, 2018
Oct 8, 2018 at 3:05 PM UTC
I never thought you noticed me
like I noticed you;
stealing glances, praying I'd catch your blue eyes.
But here you are,
right in front of me --
It's you
+ your eyes
and the way they make me feel lighter when they look into mine.
+ your hands
and the way they they hold mine like they've never been unattached,
and how they make me feel like I finally found the home I've tirelessly searched for.
+ your words
even though I know they're old and worn, and given to every one before me,
I know I could fall in love with them anyway.
The possibility of you is enough.
(a.g.)
Aug 31, 2018
Aug 31, 2018 at 4:54 PM UTC