I have all the right things to be happy about,
but I am not.
I am not content with how things are going
and I feel selfish.
I am not comfortable
and I feel ungrateful.
It's just when you get what you want,
you realize you actually wanted more.
And forcing yourself to be content with what you have,
only makes things harder to bear.
May 3, 2018
May 3, 2018 at 12:50 AM UTC
To let my fingers wander through your chest hairs.
To caress your face and look you in the eyes with the subtle hint of a smile.
To never stop cuddling you.
To adventure beyond our apartments and see the city in a whole new way.
To be considerably drunk on a Monday (with you).
I wish that some day I could tell you how much I love you, instead of just holding it in and hoping you'll say it first.
I love you so much it hurts.
May 2, 2018
May 2, 2018 at 2:56 AM UTC
dreams,
two polar opposite dreams
somehow intertwined with each other.
mugged,
almost dying on the subway platform,
all my friends watching but doing nothing.
flowers,
a secret admirer too shy to engage in what could be love
wake up.
i, having a busy to do list,
wake up more tired than i was
when i fell asleep
running,
away from life.
i, being insanely depressed,
walk fast on a treadmill
staring into nowhere
listening to a podcast on the physiology of blood
not able to handle the one thing i loved that i had left.
waiting,
in line at the drug mart,
several people cut in front of me.
i did not stand up for myself like i usually would.
slowly
putting an energy drink up on the counter
"is everything ok?" the cashier asks with concern in her voice.
i, having headphones in one ear, instinctively say yes
thinking she asked me if i needed a bag.
i did not get a bag.
walking,
again, but this time slow,
already running a bit late for work.
I catch a bus.
i didn't need to but i ride it two stops and make it to work on time.
not terrible at work but not the best.
"it's been worse before" is an excuse i like to use.
walking,
again, but this time with no destination.
home.
stepping over my gym bag,
dropping everything on the floor,
stepping over the other things i've been dropping on the floor.
i've become the person i hate.
the housekeeper with the messy house.
messy life,
emotions; no motivation to move on.
it's the end of the night
and nothing on my to do list gets done.
but, who can blame me,
i can't even breathe right anymore
Aug 9, 2017
Aug 9, 2017 at 3:20 AM UTC
miscommunication.
understanding the wrong thing at the wrong time in the worst possible moment.
giving up.
walking away when the time felt right .
never to hear your bitter words.
never to hear from you, since then.
you almost forget that it is six months later,
because each day feels like an eternity.
without you, my friend
Jun 28, 2017
Jun 28, 2017 at 5:09 PM UTC
suddenly aware of an ascending sense of depression
mostly unaware of my instinctive feelings and aggression.
my mind is running laps around the empty hole inside my chest
and i am just exhausted, my energy is constantly suppressed.
uncomfortably trapped inside my bed, just trying to arise
an aching sense of actuality, my brain can fantasize.
the throbbing pain of all my joints conjoin my body to my mind
regretting all of the troubled thoughts i thought i left behind.
proactively trying to occupy less space
staring in the mirror not recognizing my own face.
it's safe to say i'm lonely here, drowning in grey
but who is kidding, if you were here i'd probably just push you away.
May 24, 2017
May 24, 2017 at 4:10 AM UTC
every line of words
you shared with me.
thrilled
but
eventually disappointed.
shallow promises,
left waiting in a room full of people.
happy faces
unaware of what i was anticipating.
it was a dull fun
pretending i was enjoying the night.
when really,
i wish you were there to accompany me.
drunk texts
occupied with excuses and a false amusement
left wondering why i subject myself to this,
i leave your empty response unanswered
hoping you might notice.
in reality, i am just screaming inside.
May 18, 2017
May 18, 2017 at 1:56 AM UTC
you say you were always a poet
but i don't know.
it seemed strange at first.
you say you are mental,
but i don't see it.
just another starving artist,
too shy for the world.
May 18, 2017
May 18, 2017 at 1:33 AM UTC
there is a world out there,
beyond these walls of my childhood.
restricted by the boundaries,
of discovery and youth.
once i am gone, once i am free,
i can live the unknown
i can live the unthinkable
i can live in someone else's walls.
all new to me.
May 17, 2017
May 17, 2017 at 2:44 PM UTC
hate flows through my veins
while love drifts through my brain
each feeling more bitter than the last
every expression so recklessly blithe
if love decides i'm its suitor
then i will try to hide my mind
May 17, 2017
May 17, 2017 at 1:47 AM UTC
all the stress
all the worries
all the thoughts
all the nails bitten
all the tears shed
all the blood escaped
all the headaches
all the screaming
all the nightmares
all the binges
all the time wasted
all the money spent
all the hurt
will all be irrelevant soon,
if only for a moment.
May 17, 2017
May 17, 2017 at 1:11 AM UTC