the same questions,
I'm asking myself ones again,
how, why,
results are always the same,
spent up and used up emotional pain,
it feels like am dragging a ball n a chain,
uphill in the rain..
never again..
and I mean it this time,
but lose grip n fall soon as I start to clime.
I feel so tired, I feel so weak,
the same words ones again I mentally speak,
a power greater then me
I shoud try to seek,
but i cause upset, mistrust
I lie and i sneak.
so if god dose exsist or forces in stealth,
why should they take notice
unless I help myself..
I don't understand why i cannot break free,
when I do understand what it's doing to me..
see for a minute or two I may feel fine,
when I smoke on that pipe or sniff up a line..
but what follows is awful
inside me it's carnage,
hiding bags and used pipes in the garbage..
I sweat and I panic,
im paronid and im stressed,
it feel like my Heart is gonna beat out my chest..
the mental torcher
and awful anxiety,
now in such dark place I long for sobriety..
i guess its apparent, it must be addiction,
not thinking twice about what i was mixing,
heating a spoon on the hob in kitchen..
but now looking back
i must recall the pain..
when it smashed me to bits..
almost sent me insane,
so when these dark thoughts
next enter my brain,
I have all tools to keep it contained..
I'm now In control,
drugs have no hold on me,
I'm no longer a slave,
finally I'm breaking free..
Feb 5, 2018
Feb 5, 2018 at 4:39 PM UTC
was five years ago
the 26th day in feb
i wasn't looking for love and I ment what I said
you would come you would go
and id try to forget
but soon you consumed
all the thoughts my head..
we first began talking
and i must confess
i wasn't going to give up
untill you said yes
was only thinking off me
at first when we met
all the others before left me full of regret
4 relationships in 8 years
what you expect
constantly trying
feeling mentally wrecked
but it's all over now
so I look back and reflect
I know your confused
I'm hot and I'm cold
but must put myself first
and remain in control
if im in doubt
then you must be told
because I really cant take,
more mistakes to unfold
but we both took things slow
as we got to know
each other better
we started to grow
there would be so many hights
some unbearable lows
but if we didn't meet
I know just where I'd be
so I want you to know
its my life that I owe..
now i reilise
there must be trust and compromise
and I do apologise
for all the secrets and the lies
all the times iv made you cry
when I look into your eyes
and see your faith in me has died
I mean it when I say....
baby i do apologise
I love you so much darlin for all that you done
you have given me a life
and you have given me my son....
you are an amazing mother
to our perfect little boy
and when we found out you were pregnant
how it filled me up with joy
and il never forget them 9 months
and what you went through when you carried
and I really cannot wait untill that date
that we get married
to love and to cherish untill death do us part
forever and always
you will never leave my heart
Feb 4, 2018
Feb 4, 2018 at 7:28 AM UTC
let me introduce myself
know by many as addiction
I know exactly what you'll do
it's never a prediction
I will put you in bad places
facing court and then conviction
take everything u own
your money, family and eviction
the things you say and things you do
a constant condridicton
you will do the things I say
followed through with no restrictions
body and mind
shall be aligned
consequences to which you are blind
I will grind then wind around your mind
my evil roots
now intertwined
I have you now and there's no doubt
**** everything you care about
when your happy I can't abide
the sound of my voice now amplified
to make you do as I decide
now time to sit back and enjoy the Ryde
do my best
to keep the pressure pressed
laughing alound
whilst you die inside
only now I'm satisfide....
watching with joy as your put to your knees
realising that I, hold all ov the keys
unbeatable odds
but still you will bet
now your a mess and your full off regret
sitting back enjoying all damage iv done
i want to keep you in the dark and hope you never see the sun
Feb 4, 2018
Feb 4, 2018 at 4:59 AM UTC
I really cant see the good in myself,
and I'm not doing to well with my emotional health.
sat hear thinking of years long ago,
a time way back when joyfull months would go slow.
a long while back, before my mid teens,
when life seemed simple
filled with prospects and dreams,
a smile would follow a feeling inside,
and now the smile is there but something has died,
none of us learn to laugh or to cry,
that comes to us natual like the stars in the sky.
and the mountings and ocean,
perfect emotion,
perfect beings
no internal corrosion.
we are all born a mirrical
and as from day one,
the light shines bright
to help guide us along.
But as i grew older and thought I new best,
I egnoed those I loved and followed the rest.
my life choices all wrong,
once drugs came along,
but the desire to use was always so stong.
only happy when using,
body and mind I'm abusing,
destorted thinking and life seems very confusing.
as time passed by
i never stopped getting high,
still unaware of the damage inside,
now I sit and I sy,
wanting to cry,
but the tears inside me seem to have dried.
so I become aggressive n i shout,
because it needs to come out
this only further hurts those that I care about
but as I sit all alone and i look at the sun,
it reminds me
that when the rain ends
then change can be done.
and change must be made
because I know ov this much,
I no longer want to be out of touch...
Feb 3, 2018
Feb 3, 2018 at 12:58 PM UTC