I'm nothing more than a pile of ashes.
Being burnt and burnt again.
Never having control of how I want to be.
Always being the one stepped on to be put out.
Apr 1, 2015
Apr 1, 2015 at 9:16 PM UTC
The love of my life causes my tears to fall every night.
And the hard part is I can't even tell him.
I don't want to ruin the relationship he got right after we ended.
What hurts the most is knowing I was never good enough.
Jan 18, 2015
Jan 18, 2015 at 11:23 PM UTC
I've shed a sea of salty tears that flood the world. And not even the fish survived.
Jan 12, 2015
Jan 12, 2015 at 1:36 AM UTC
On what seemed like the happiest day of all,
Turned into the day that I will start to fall.
So on that one beautifully horrid Christmas eve,
you turned and took your leave.
But There was something I could not tell you.
with you gone, my thoughts, my happiness will begin to subdue.
you see,
there are monsters that live deep inside of me.
with them growing stronger by my pain and fear,
they will start to tear me apart beginning with a single tear.
My monsters feed on my despair, but run in fear when I find a smile rising across my face.
You gave me happiness, something to think about instead of the monsters filling my mind.
You gave me hope; something that I needed to find.
Unfortunately nothing lasts for long,
but your happiness is more dear to me than my own.
Win the war that you're fighting.
If you ever see me later in life,
remember me as I was in your memories.
not the way you should see me.
For I may not know what I will be.
With you in my life coming coming to an end,
Let the fear and darkness start to ascend.
Dec 29, 2014
Dec 29, 2014 at 10:11 PM UTC
Not a word has gone by, not the sound of a person's breath; nor a the sons of their heart beat. Silence is what I'm afraid of; but yet, it's gives me solitude. I guess that means there are different kinds of quietness. What I'm afraid of the most is when it will be silent forever. When I well never be able to hear the sweet sounds of their voice, witness the words they say. Not even watch the beautiful mess I just happened to fall in love with. Silence is what I'm scared of, not that I might lose them forever; I can handle that. But I cannot stand listening to the nothingness that has has been bestowed upon me. Silence is the death that is soon to come to me.
Dec 29, 2014
Dec 29, 2014 at 8:54 PM UTC
January 20, 2014; 8:00 p.m.
I still remember this moment like it just happened.
I till feel all the emotions that i felt.
I was the happiest person in the world.
Only if i knew what was to come, I could've saved myself from all the pain.
Only if i knew that after tomorrow i'd lose everything i ever cared about.
Yes, everything is gone now.
But yet, it is all my fault.
If only i would've stopped him from hurting himself over me that next day.
I don't know if i can ever fix anything i did wrong.
I don't even know half the stuff i did wrong.
Its been six months.
There's so many questions left unanswered.
Why I still love him.
Why i still care. Why I;m still trying after all this time.
Why i cant let it go.
Jun 21, 2014
Jun 21, 2014 at 3:44 PM UTC
When I try to sleep I listen, I listen to my heartbeat the bump and thump of knowing I'm still alive. I toss and turn in bed, wake up with sweat dripping. There back, the voices saying I'm worthless and no good. But this time it's not just in my head, the feeling is much deeper. I try so hard to shut them out I do, but they just keep getting louder and louder until I break and my eyes act like storm clouds as they rain. I then sob with loss of air and earthquake sized shudders. My parents call my name, it's time I wipe my red puffy face and put on a fake smile, what's wrong the ask, oh nothing my head hurts, belly ache, or I don't feel good, I'm tired. There I sit in a spiral of depressive and usual lies as I try to protect then from my doubts on life. What is the point of life? To be put down at every corner you turn? To where a fake smile instead of a real one? To always be depressed? Yes, that must be it I think as the laughter of my peers sets in my mind and the feeling of being unwanted settles in, until I miss the cold sharp metal taking away my pain. This is not the way to live. Why can't I be normal? I ask every day. Why can't I be pretty? I look down to my arm and see the remains of past pain, and I remember that's why, I don't deserve it. I wonder what it's like to be truly happy, to truly forget about the bad that has happened In my past instead of it always being in the back of my mind. I wonder what it's like to not have to fight off the tears in every second of every day. I wonder what it's like to live every day happy with a genuine smile. I have a feeling I'm never going to know what it's like. When I have kids they're going to ask "mommy what are those scars from" and I will just say " I hurt a lot somtimes baby". I don't regret the scars one bit though. They make me feel like I have gotten through a lot. They remind me of my past battles and how I won. They also remind me of how I chose to live another day. My thoughts are always clouded with thoughts of sadness. Thoughts of why I can't be normal. Why does everyone hate me? I ask. Because you're a worthless no good waist of air that's why. My mind says. I don't want to believe it but it's hard not to when it's your mind saying these things. I'm tired I sleep so much. Just to shut out the world and hatred. But lately there are a lot of nightmares. Those come true, not the good dreams but the nightmares. The good dreams of love are just one big ******* fairy tale I will never get to live.
Apr 16, 2014
Apr 16, 2014 at 7:39 PM UTC
When I try to sleep I listen, I listen to my heartbeat the bump and thump of knowing I'm still alive. I toss and turn in bed, wake up with sweat dripping. There back, the voices saying I'm worthless and no good. But this time it's not just in my head, the feeling is much deeper. I try so hard to shut them out I do, but they just keep getting louder and louder until I break and my eyes act like storm clouds as they rain. I then sob with loss of air and earthquake sized shudders. My parents call my name, it's time I wipe my red puffy face and put on a fake smile, what's wrong the ask, oh nothing my head hurts, belly ache, or I don't feel good, I'm tired. There I sit in a spiral of depressive and usual lies as I try to protect then from my doubts on life. What is the point of life? To be put down at every corner you turn? To where a fake smile instead of a real one? To always be depressed? Yes, that must be it I think as the laughter of my peers sets in my mind and the feeling of being unwanted settles in, until I miss the cold sharp metal taking away my pain. This is not the way to live. Why can't I be normal? I ask every day. Why can't I be pretty? I look down to my arm and see the remains of past pain, and I remember that's why, I don't deserve it. I wonder what it's like to be truly happy, to truly forget about the bad that has happened In my past instead of it always being in the back of my mind. I wonder what it's like to not have to fight off the tears in every second of every day. I wonder what it's like to live every day happy with a genuine smile. I have a feeling I'm never going to know what it's like. When I have kids they're going to ask "mommy what are those scars from" and I will just say " I hurt a lot somtimes baby". I don't regret the scars one bit though. They make me feel like I have gotten through a lot. They remind me of my past battles and how I won. They also remind me of how I chose to live another day. My thoughts are always clouded with thoughts of sadness. Thoughts of why I can't be normal. Why does everyone hate me? I ask. Because you're a worthless no good waist of air that's why. My mind says. I don't want to believe it but it's hard not to when it's your mind saying these things. I'm tired I sleep so much. Just to shut out the world and hatred. But lately there are a lot of nightmares. Those come true, not the good dreams but the nightmares. The good dreams of love are just one big ******* fairy tale I will never get to live.
Apr 16, 2014
Apr 16, 2014 at 7:36 PM UTC
I'm sorry that I meant nothing to you.
I'm sorry that I was never good enough.
I'm sorry that I had "ruined" your life.
I won't do it agian. I swear.
I won't be here to hurt you.
Goodbye.
Apr 16, 2014
Apr 16, 2014 at 7:27 PM UTC