How can I fill a lonely day
Knowing already that I will not see you?
Your inquisitive, intelligent, dark eyes
will not be there looking at me;
and your tender, beautiful, shining smile
will not radiate onto my face
I have no desire to go out
as a sense of being lost
will pervade my soul
by the time I reach the place
where you should be
May 18, 2018
May 18, 2018 at 11:24 AM UTC
You can’t hold me together
If you can’t keep yourself together.
You can’t be real with me
If you can’t be real with yourself.
You can’t compliment me
If you can’t compliment yourself first.
You can’t love me
If you don’t love yourself first.
You need to love yourself before you love anyone else
Or else it will just be fake love.
May 18, 2018
May 18, 2018 at 11:22 AM UTC
Please run your mouth more about things you don’t know.
Please try and tell me how wrong I am when you don’t even know the circumstances.
Please comment more to try and prove me wrong.
When you have no idea what I’m going through or what I’m even speaking about.
Please mind your own business instead of thinking you know everything,
When in reality,
You know nothing.
May 2, 2018
May 2, 2018 at 10:51 AM UTC
Sometimes
It is easier to lie
And say that everything is okay
Than it is
To show your weakest side to someone
That doesn’t even care in the first place
May 1, 2018
May 1, 2018 at 9:13 AM UTC
When I told the doctor,
About how the voices in my head
Tell me to **** myself,
And how I have anxiety attacks over the simplest of things,
And how it seems that I’m constantly sad.
He said,
“Oh here. Take this.”
And so I did.
But it didn’t help.
So I stopped taking it.
The next doctor gave me a new medication.
And this one seemed to make everything worse.
So I stopped taking it too.
The next doctor told me to go to therapy,
Because that’s what people like me need.
So I did.
And she told me that I was making it all up.
That it was all in my head.
And that If I kept telling these lies that I would be put in the hospital like the rest of the crazies.
If doctors are supposed to help you,
Then why did they only seem to make me worse?
If doctors are supposed to fix the problems,
Then why did they only give me more problems to add to my list?
If doctors are supposed to understand,
Then why did they call me crazy?
Apr 16, 2018
Apr 16, 2018 at 11:33 AM UTC
You remind me of the ocean,
And the ocean is my safe place.
Your eyes hold the color of the deepest depths of the sea,
And your voices is like the waves rolling against the shore.
Your soft hands on my skin is like the cool water washing over me,
And you always smell softly of palm tree’s.
You taste of tropical fruits and sea salt.
I love the ocean,
And you,
Are my ocean.
You are my safe place.
You are my ocean.
Mar 26, 2018
Mar 26, 2018 at 9:41 AM UTC
I didn’t love you.
To love someone is to love every aspect of them.
Even things that annoy you or make you angry.
I didn’t love you,
Because I hated the way you laughed.
It was loud and you snorted every time you breathed in.
I hated the way you thought you where funny,
And tried to tell awful jokes to make people laugh.
I hated the way you always thought you were right,
And would argue and argue until I gave up.
Though, it sounds as if I hate you,
There are things that I love about you.
I love your eyes,
And how they seem so crystal blue even on the darkest days.
I love your hugs,
And how warm you are when your body pushes against mine.
I love our long talks,
And how you always seem to listen and understand what I’m saying.
But I don’t love you.
I wish I did.
And I thought that maybe one day,
I could grow to love you.
I thought I could learn to love all your imperfections and accept them.
But I can’t.
I’m sorry.
Mar 22, 2018
Mar 22, 2018 at 1:01 PM UTC
It’s been another year without you mom.
This will make 5 years since you left us.
Since the cancer spread throughout your body and you became too weak to fight it off.
You fought so hard.
For two years, you went through chemo after chemo,
And radiation therapy.
But none of it seemed to help.
Cancer slowly spread throughout your body.
Soon it was in your brain.
Behind your eyes.
Then there was nothing they could do.
You went 3 months.
They said a year.
3 months before you died.
Three months of hugging you every chance I got
And three months of praying that I would wake up and it all be a dream.
Three months of living in denial.
Three months of hardly eating because I wanted to spend every waking moment with you.
Then the time came,
When you were so far gone that you basically lived off of pain medication.
And you didn’t remember who any of us were anymore.
We had our chance, to tell you one last thing before you left us.
And all I could say was that I love you.
And I regret not telling you more.
I regret not telling you everything I had hidden from you.
But all I said was that I love you.
And you weakly looked up at me and gave me a tired smile and it flashed in your eyes that you remembered me.
‘I love you too’
Was the last thing you said to me.
Later that evening,
At 3 in the afternoon,
I watched you take your last breath.
You weakly squeezed my hand.
And I knew it was over.
And for a fleeting moment, I was relieved.
But soon the pain came and I sobbed.
I clung onto you and wouldn’t let go. They had to drag me off of you.
And I screamed when they took you away.
Begged them to let me hug you one more time.
But all I got to do was kiss your cold cheek.
Now I wear a necklace with some of your ashes in it.
It is a small comfort that helps me through the day.
Today is another year without you.
I swear it gets harder every year.
Mar 16, 2018
Mar 16, 2018 at 10:11 AM UTC
Do you remember when I was younger?
Do you remember when you would wash my hair because it was too long for me to do it myself?
Do you remember taking me to school in the morning and buying me breakfast on the way there?
Or maybe when we would go to yard sales on Saturday and you would buy me old prom dresses and costume jewelry for me to dress up in?
Do you remember when I developed separation anxiety and had to sleep with you every night?
Now, I wash my own hair because I cut the long lengths of it off.
Now, I take myself to school in the morning and buy myself breakfast on the way.
Now, I work on Saturdays to save up for my prom dress.
Now, I sleep alone, clinging to my pillow.
Now, I miss you more than ever before.
I miss when you had hair as long as mine.
I miss when you would do my makeup and tell me that I hardly needed any at all.
I miss when you would play outside with me.
I miss when you would rub my back and hold me, whispering that everything would be okay.
I miss when I had someone to talk to, someone to tell how my day went.
I miss your smile, the way your lips curled into thin lines and your gums showed.
I miss your eyes, the same deep dark chocolate brown as mine.
I miss your voice, the soft yet raspy one that would wake me up every morning.
I miss you, mom.
And I don’t think there will ever be a day when I don’t miss you.
Some days are harder than others.
Some days I can hardly function,
And others, I wake up as if there is nothing wrong.
But deep in my heart, there is a hole.
One that can never be filled.
It just slowly drips out loneliness,
And it makes me miss you more and more.
Mar 16, 2018
Mar 16, 2018 at 9:52 AM UTC
Today we had a fight.
I’m not sure how it started,
Or who raised their voice first.
All I know is that now I have bruises.
Ones that sting when you touch them.
You tried to apologize.
You tried to clean me up,
And make me feel better.
But bruises take time to heal.
And so do cuts and scratches.
I can’t forgive you right now.
But the bruises will heal soon.
And then all will be better.
Because I can’t be mad at you.
Maybe if I had kept my mouth shut then we wouldn’t be like this.
Maybe if I wasn’t so sensitive then we wouldn’t have these problems.
Today we had a fight and I’m not sure where it started.
All I know is that I have bruises and cuts and scratches.
That could have been avoided,
If I just kept my mouth shut.
Mar 14, 2018
Mar 14, 2018 at 11:29 AM UTC