i ran and i ran and i ran
three countries away
three continents over
i ran so that i didn't have to wake up
and take a shower in the same shower
get dressed in the same clothes
smell that same **** perfume
all laced with memories of you
i ran so far that i managed to forget who i was
managed to forget that it wasn't just my addiction to pain that kept us together
it was all those memories and laughs
and suddenly the taste of your lips
doesn't seem too distant when i still see your deodorant on my shelf
when i see our ticket stubs on my wall
when i have the wrapper from the chewing gum i chewed before kissing you stuck to my cork board like a ticking time bomb
i ran so far that i forgot what it felt like to love you and suddenly i'm back in my own skin begging you to love me again
but you're full of anger
and you're full of hate
i'm full of fear
and i'm scared of fate
my purse is still the same one you held for me
my neck is still the same one you kissed
my wrist smells of the perfume i put on before our first date
there are seventeen boxes of hershey's drops on my bookshelf
each one shared or gifted by you
the flowers from my garden
you picked
are crumbled
but fresh, scattered on my bed
i ran three countries away
i ran three continents over
to escape from a love
that i don't even want to get over
Nov 22, 2018
Nov 22, 2018 at 9:37 AM UTC
Split in two
Boundaries blur
And I bleed between the lines
Where does one thought end?
And where do I begin?
I am torn apart
And glued together again
Please
Bring me back to the beginning
Before I was split
Or tell me that I was never whole to begin with
Oct 7, 2018
Oct 7, 2018 at 1:31 PM UTC
Admittedly
There were signs of life
But nothing could stop my trajectory
Drifting onward and upward
Forward and through
I had forgotten gravity
"You're special to me" - a new signal
"I really appreciate you" - I signal back
Ignition in my chest
The engine of my soul roars
And wakes up butterflies
I thought had long moved on
Gravity found me
Tugged me onward and downward
Forward and through
I had forgotten the feeling
Until I met you
Jun 14, 2018
Jun 14, 2018 at 2:15 PM UTC
i’d rather write about the freckles on your back than think about all of the ways in which you quite possibly don’t love me.
i feel sick at the very thought of you picking me apart the way you did; fingers grabbing and stroking in a catastrophic symphony of skin and vulnerability.
let’s read between each other’s lines; share my sentences and punctuate my paragraphs with your mouth; because i can breathe easier on the mornings where i wake up wrapped around you.
because my moods change like the ******* seasons and the spinning in my head doesn’t want to stop.
you tell me that i should probably get a therapist because no one that thinks about all the ways in which they could **** themselves has an ounce of mental stability.
i tell you that i have been to four.
names faded into a blur with hazy snippets of conversation remaining.
20mg.
30mg.
you tell me that trust issues and scars aren’t endearing and i tell you that neither is counting up the potential number of pills needed to dissolve your body into the living room carpet.
let me sink inside your skin and make a home in your flesh;
i tell you about the nights where i lay awake in the bath turning the water red.
tragic, isn’t it.
you tell me that this isn’t how my head should work and i tell you that i already know. everything you could possibly tell me i already know.
i know that 400 calories a day isn’t normal, and my hands shouldn’t shake all the time.
i know.
please let me stitch myself into you, even just for a while; until i no longer feel dizzy and my world stops spinning.
i don’t need you to tell me that it will be okay, because honestly i don’t think it will be and, that in itself, is okay.
let me stitch myself into you, because my own skin can’t take it anymore.
let me call you back when my voice stops wobbling and my vision straightens out, but honestly, i’m terrified that it never will. what if this is it. headaches and tears and shaking and blood.
and the debilitating, gut-wrenching feeling of pure and euphoric emptiness.
tragic, isn’t it.
May 25, 2018
May 25, 2018 at 9:10 AM UTC
If I could love
the limping
ugly
afraid
part of me
That I drag through the mud
and thorns
If I could let
the transparent
clawing
screaming
silhouette speak
Instead of kicking it
into the basement
If I could put
my deepest human essence
onto paper
for everyone to see
Then.
Then, I could be free.
Apr 29, 2018
Apr 29, 2018 at 12:02 PM UTC
We are the ones who are hard to understand
We'll be the last ones in the movie theatre
because the ending scene made us cry
We'll stop to smell the roses
because they deserve to be appreciated
We are the ones who will take the time
to learn what keeps you up at night
We are the ones who will imagine
an entire future of adventures
with the people who show us love
We are the ones who will love you more
than we love ourselves
We will give you our strongest parts
in hopes that we can make things better
We desire to see you become the best you
to make sure that you always feel our love
We crave affection and appreciation
We give a piece of ourselves away every day
sometimes to people who don't deserve it
Our love is easy to take advantage of
and sometimes we don't get back
the love that we give away
When we hurt, we crumble and fall apart
We constantly have to put ourselves back together
We are more fragile than we like to give off
We carry our emotions on our sleeves
Our flaws have the ability to consume us
We aren't afraid to give you the world
but we are afraid to feel unloved
We want you to see what we see
We want you to understand where we're coming from
We are good people with good intentions
We are stronger than we believe
Not everyone can feel the way we feel
We feel too much, too often
We are not hard to love
We are something not everyone knows how to love
But you need to remember that
your worth does not change just because
no one is there to appreciate you, to remind you
You are not any less lovable
You are the most lovable person in the world
You are a light that the world needs
Your kindness is not your weakness
You do not need to change for anyone's acceptance
You do not need to stop giving love
just because you don't get any back
Your heart is the best thing about you
And one day when you least expect it
someone will notice you from across the room
and know exactly how to love you
They will think all of these things are beautiful
They will deserve the love you can give
They will fill the empty space in your heart
But for now, don't stop feeling
We are the ones who feel everything so deeply
We are the ones who can't give up because
We are the ones who will teach the world
how to love
Apr 20, 2018
Apr 20, 2018 at 8:06 AM UTC
We're almost touching.
we were walking side by side,
you're talking about cabs in your hometown.
I can feel the gravity of your hand, calling my fingers
whispering "it's alright."
We're touching but not quite.
you held my shoulder to protect me from the passing cars.
and for the first time in a long while, I felt so fragile.
In this world where I find it hard even to breathe,
you believed me.
I almost said it.
All I need is one ounce of strength to tell you every single thing that I have ever felt about you.
I want to find home in your collarbones.
Would you be kind enough to let a stranger in?
I want to seep in your being because I'm cold.
The world is harsh and my cracks are aching.
Almost.
Apr 19, 2018
Apr 19, 2018 at 6:09 PM UTC
The boxes
which keep my blood clean
are stacked as tall as I,
a monument
in the spare room
to past battles.
Too many words,
too many thoughts
tied up in the
hand-to-hand combat
with mortality.
No more.
What life I have
will not be defined
by an indeterminate end.
I live to write poems;
I will no longer die in them.
Apr 11, 2018
Apr 11, 2018 at 1:05 PM UTC
I can't sleep
Everytime I remember your words
They snap and recoil
And hurt me awake
Next time when someone
Promises me forever
I'll just smile
Look them in the eyes and ask
How long is forever to you.
Mar 25, 2018
Mar 25, 2018 at 7:12 AM UTC