This thing you see
You said it was in me
You called it beauty
I have one simple plea
Please pull it free
Please help it flee
I live too chaotically
I'll help you find a key
It's too good for reality
Take it to the sea
It is pure and full of glee
The rest of me I can't garuntee
Don't call me sweet pea
Don't wonder what could be
There will never be a we
Just take that small rarity
That abnormality
Someday you will agree
In dark waters it's the only buoy
The rest of who I am is debris
Jun 4, 2018
Jun 4, 2018 at 12:24 AM UTC
How many times
Will I let you do this to me?
Trick me into believing
I've won a victory.
You sneak up behind me,
Shoot a daring grin,
My resolve crumbles,
And you own me, you win.
I'll follow you wherever.
Please show me something new.
Try to remember those warnings,
But my mind is wrapped up in you.
We go on great adventures,
Best I've ever had.
I know I'm supposed to quit you,
But I don't know what's so bad.
Here we go again.
I'm smiling, laughing, in a daze!
I don't want this to ever end
I'm in love with-
.
Oh.
.
There she is.
I almost forgot she was there.
I really thought you weren't together.
I guess that wouldn't really be fair.
No I don't really want,
To break you two apart.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I have a muddled heart.
.
Hm.
.
How many times
Will I let you do this to me?
Let me believe that you are it,
The only one who sets me free.
I know I'm silly and naïve
But you're the one that I adore.
So when I ask how many times,
I'm hoping that it's at least one more.
May 21, 2018
May 21, 2018 at 12:44 AM UTC
Trust me.
I'm no longer dying.
I'm fine because,
I'm no longer trying.
I mean I am.
Trying to be better, I mean.
I'm improving even if,
Sometimes I careen,
Towards the edge and,
I fill you with fright.
Sometimes I'm dramatic,
But really I'm alright.
Except when I'm not.
When I pick the scab open,
Then I really just need,
Something to hope in.
Scratch that, I'm all talk.
I'm just looking for attention,
I'm sorry I'm so childish.
I really shouldn't mention,
Things like that,
Moments that hurt.
It was selfish of me,
To put you on alert.
I'm fine.
Except when I'm not.
When I overanalyze,
And I drown in thought.
I don't need you to coddle me.
That's not your responsibility.
But I wouldn't mind it.
I'm a little lacking in stability.
Just forget it actually.
I don't mean to keep up this game,
Of cat and mouse, it's silly.
Frankly it fills me with shame.
I don't want to be needy,
I don't want to have needs.
I don't want to be anymore,
Don't indulge me, it only leads,
To me telling you things.
Things that seem much worse,
Than I mean them to.
Confessions that I rehearse.
Thoughts that repeat in my head.
Try to stop them, don't know how.
But they're just thoughts.
So I'll stop scaring you now.
I swear I'm okay.
Except when I'm not.
When the world is crumbling,
Every inch of me is pulled taut.
When it never stops raining,
I'm drenched to my soul.
I shake violently and can't stop,
Nothing can fill this endless hole.
I've given up on hoping,
And I can't describe how I feel,
I know that I'm in agony but,
I don't even know if the pain is real.
.
.
.
Hey I'm sorry.
Sorry for all of it.
In fact I never stop,
Being sorry for sins I commit,
For getting lost and falling short.
Point is, what I'm trying to say,
Is that I'm better now.
But trying is the part giving it away.
Because I can't seem to say,
I'm doing just fine,
Because I can never be sure,
Because I walk a fine line.
In the end I can't tell you,
What's up and what's down.
If a girl keeps crying suicide,
She looses the trust of her town.
Mar 2, 2018
Mar 2, 2018 at 1:02 PM UTC
Why do I have trust issues?
Somehow I think it has something to do with the fact that those who were supposed to support me are now the stars of my suicide dreams.
Feb 28, 2018
Feb 28, 2018 at 1:04 PM UTC
Don't promise eternity
That's far too cruel.
Because while you'll move forward
I'll waste too much time
Thinking of what it would be like to always be by your side
Dreaming myself into your arms
Creating some comfortable late night conversation
Imagining little ways to say I love you
So don't promise
Don't swear
Don't vow
Don't ensure
Don't lead me to believe I'm yours and your mine
My heart is too fragile
To be taken all the way up to eternity
Only to fall back down
To forgotten again.
Feb 8, 2018
Feb 8, 2018 at 1:06 AM UTC
I'm not...
There is so much I am not.
Happy?
No.
Angry?
No.
Sad?
No.
Then what?
Empty.
But this isn't you.
I know.
You're so different.
I know.
All of your energy...
Stolen.
All of your passion...
Taken.
All of your fight...
Gone.
... for good?
I couldn't tell you.
But before-
Everything from before feels unreal, fake.
Surely you'll feel different tomorrow.
Surely.
.
.
.
So I suppose it doesn't matter.
Jan 24, 2018
Jan 24, 2018 at 1:01 AM UTC
I'm full of holes.
You'll try to love me, everyone does.
They try to love me in so many ways.
They think that they can hold me and wrap me up and cover what's clearly missing.
They think that they can look past any gaps I have and focus on the parts of me that are complete and just never look elsewhere.
They think that they can fill the cavities with trinkets and treasures and gestures and words, words that turn out to be just as empty as I am.
They think that they can accept them and love them for what they are and I thought I could too.
But the reality is, they are holes and there just isn't anything there to love.
So no matter how much you want to love me, I will never be able to support you because I am brittle and incomplete. I will always leave people with the feeling that something is missing.
That thing that is missing is me.
Jan 3, 2018
Jan 3, 2018 at 2:52 AM UTC
Flowers.
Letters.
Gifts.
Old photos.
Tears.
Lots of tears.
I've been to my own funeral.
I felt the love of those closest to me.
It was comforting.
I felt the regret of hurting them.
It was suffocating.
It left me translucent.
A ghost girl.
I wasn't dead,
But I might've well as been.
I drifted.
I haunted those that once knew me.
The most unsteady week of my life.
Now, through some sort of necromancy, I'm being resurrected.
Piece by piece, I'm coming back.
And I'll do everything I can to distract.
Try to make them forget that I am a zombie.
Dec 26, 2017
Dec 26, 2017 at 11:12 PM UTC
Having people who understand is new for me
There are people in my life who care about how I feel
It's odd, it makes the bad days not so bad when someone is aware
Life seems easy when with people who are there to help you heal
But I'm learning every blessing comes with a burden
And we all know that out of the two, I was never the blessing
This gift that I have cherished so much is just hidden poison
I see now this bond is bound to hurt one of us as I'm reassessing
I wish I didn't always see, but time and time again I realize
All I do in your lives is break and burden and continue disjoint
Because though I love you and I wish I could feel safe in that fact
Life was so much easier when I didn't have people to disappoint.
Dec 7, 2017
Dec 7, 2017 at 10:48 PM UTC
Where do you go
When you give your broken stare?
You ask it so casually
I answer to the best that I'm aware.
I go nowhere I respond.
Though that is not completely true.
We all know that I do not move
But somehow I travel everywhere too.
So here's what I would like to tell you
If you ever find me deep in thought
I go nowhere and everywhere all at once
And these constant trips are taking everything I've got.
Dec 7, 2017
Dec 7, 2017 at 10:20 PM UTC