"Zara, have you ever felt tired?"
My heart clenches and I jokingly respond
"Of my 'dumbness' yeah"
"lol but no"
typing...
I know that isn't what you mean.
Don't take this the wrong way, but
I've gathered enough information about you secondhandedly.
I'm quite aware of your state of mind, and you are not okay.
Still, I am taken off guard that you're exposing this to me.
Because you've never shown me your weaknesses.
So much so that I seem to have forgotten what I heard.
But you tell me nothing, giving me no more to ponder.
The conversation swings, but I still feel uneasy,
I've gone through this before. This is only beginning stage.
You're carefully introducing me to your horrors.
The third conversation of it's kind for me.
The third conversation to leave me speechless.
How do you comfort a depressed person?
My Google history shows only this question.
The process is the same each time,
First page, second page, third page.
I've been scrolling blindly through, searchingly, Desperately, Till my sympathy feels shrunken.
Because there are only so many times that I can say, "I'm sorry,"
For a situation I only wished to control.
Sincerely, I empathize with you.
'It will get better one day'
I've typed in the letters to this five word sentence
Five times this morning. 'Keep your chin up.'
My fingers are not lying, but they don't feel authentic.
Not when my eyes are sore from staring at Google's homepage. 'You'll make it through this.'
I've varied in saying this ten times this week.
Please someone tell me,
How do you comfort a depressed person?
My Google history shows only this question
I check daily for new suggestions,
Refresh, refresh, nothing, refresh again.
Because there are only so many times
that those crafted words could hold meaning.
I utter them again, 'It will get better one day.'
Making it six times for the morning.
And I hope it will, I'm not saying this weightlessly.
Even though researched, these are my only responses
to your cry for help.
Because when you show me signs if indirect defeat,
And the Googled suggestions stand still, I become silent.
I have nothing to say, clueless as to what to do.
So I end up muttering meaningless sentences
That I know cause neither harm nor good.
Short senseless sentences that I can only hope will distract you, Confuse you till I collect my gathered sources of ease.
How do you comfort a depressed person?
My Google history shows only this question
Because I become muted without it. My words choke me.
I'm worried that I would cause your fragile wings
To wither even further. Like I have to the others,
Who settled on my fingers before you.
I'm sorry that I haven't got much to offer you,
But I'm used to making everything into a joke, laughing foolishly.
I do this to comfort myself. However most times,
I'm caught holding my hands together, whispering
To my lord, pleading in his divine perfect presence
But,
How do you comfort a depressed person,
When they don't believe in God?
Still I pray, and jokingly ask that his science
Brings him relief.
But you, you pray with me, and I'm unaware of methods To comfort you that you haven't already failed at.
I have so many strung up words that are familiar to you,
But I can't speak them, you've told me nothing yet.
I myself can relate, but Google is opened up again.
I have no first hand knowledge of your mental strength.
You laugh as I do,
"I'll message you later love. My parents are fighting"
A piece of you unfolds and reveals itself to me boldly.
I don't know what to say.
"I'm running away"
But unlike with me, To you, your issues aren't funny.
My Googled message doesn't reach you.
"Keep your chin up," I said at your little revelation
Because it's easier for me than organizing the words in my chest.
"His mother is abusive."
"His father is absent."
"He stays in school so late because he doesn't want to go home."
"He lived on the street for some time."
Jokingly you'd say that your eating a tomato a day, kept the doctor away,
But the humour doesn't reach your eyes, it never does.
However, you leave it at that. You only reveal to me so much. I know it's coming, so I prepare myself,
Once again refresh.
Please someone tell me,
How do you comfort a depressed person,
When Google's suggestions are no longer working?
"Zara have you ever felt tired?"
"Of what?"
"living"
Jun 22, 2016
Jun 22, 2016 at 8:38 PM UTC
the bell rings
and i'm out of breath
did i do well today?
what will my parents say?
i stand in my loneliness
on top of the world
the view is great
the air is cooler than normal
but suddenly i feel so afraid of the void
trying to comfort myself
i say i can't be perfect
i start to let myself go
under the numbers and grades
i run, so lost in this maze
i must make it
i must see it through
but will i ever be enough?
these mixed thoughts engulf me
with my life on the line
i pretend to be careless
for a moment i smile
but it comes back to me
hitting me with a greater force
i fall to my feet
this isn't the first time
i've been here before
i'm getting used to it
why do i even fake it?
the loneliness blossoms in the sun
the world looks so small now
i try to avoid the feeling
but i can't no matter how i try
my grades scrape the ground
even though i stand so high
*the world looks so small now*
when the heat becomes too much
i leave the expectations behind
forever, i'm scarred
hurt by the statistics
the world is getting closer now
its grown so big
May 7, 2016
May 7, 2016 at 3:00 PM UTC
and when i think of childhood
i think of all the time i spent looking at the clouds
all the moments made laughing up at the stars
the beauty of human interaction
and the way my mum smiled when i smiled
or the way my grandmother's face twisted when she told a lie
my jokes were never funny
but i heard her laughter ringing in my ears
do you hear that sweet music through your earphones?
i still have a mental map carrying me where google hasn't found
over and over again i follow the pathways
that lead me towards the treasure, that giant 'X'
my feet are ripping open, sore from chasing it
when will i find it again?
why can't i find it again?
reach out to me, save me.
the key to childhood is to be a child
but my days are gone, so why do i keep walking
why am i the only one walking?
why is everyone else stagnant?
where has childhood gone, not mine but yours
why can't i return to it?
reach out to them, please save them
they don't know what they have.
why are they letting it go unnoticed?
the treasure, i see it at their feet
the treasure i can no longer discover
it taunts me, it escapes them
why am i now paused? let them press pause.
don't keep them on fast forward
they're going too quickly,
but why do they look frozen?
is this the world without childhood?
the treasure at their feet disappears
this is the world with technology
reach out, please save them.
May 7, 2016
May 7, 2016 at 2:18 PM UTC
Sometimes people betray you,
Other times they just disappoint you,
I honestly thought that maybe,
Just maybe, you'd manage to be
That one bright spot in my life,
That you'd be the one person,
Who would manage to save me,
Save me from myself and,
All the darkness, all the grief,
In the world, all the darkness,
in me, that I kept bottled up inside,
But it turns out that, all those thoughts,
all those feelings, blossomed
from your presence, you were the one
that, drove me into insanity,
and now I'm there, I'm stuck here
without an escape,
It's like I'm bound to the darkness,
The darkness that you surrounded me
with, That you're stifling me
with, And it's slowly making me,
Become just like you, darling
For you are the darkness.
Nov 23, 2014
Nov 23, 2014 at 12:12 PM UTC
Like you my heart aches without mercy,
I know first hand how life kicks you down,
I find that I don't appreciate sunsets anymore,
Or the eerie sound of the bitter winter winds,
All I dwell on is all what life has made me lose,
I've lost the ability to care for anything -
Other than my sanity that is thinning every day,
My soul no longer craves emotion,
Days seem extended into others - endless,
And I've noticed that my bones crack louder -
Than they have ever done before,
I've been told that growing old is terrible,
But I never quite imagined it,
Being as completely lifeless and empty as this...
Sep 21, 2014
Sep 21, 2014 at 9:40 PM UTC
My mother raised me well
And I try to remain like that
But sometimes it's impossible
When you act like such a ****
Sep 21, 2014
Sep 21, 2014 at 9:11 PM UTC
I sometimes wish you'd see me,
But that will never occur,
How could you ever notice,
When your eyes are glued on her,
I've waited on you forever,
And the days seem to climb,
When I observe you from a distance,
Never catching her eye,
I sometimes think we are the same,
Your feelings I can relate,
It pains when your every attempt,
Is counted as a fail,
Yet still I stay beside you,
Hopeful all the way,
Praying your eyes will get tired,
And glance at me one day ,
But till that moment happens,
I'll look at you from a far,
Trying to make her notice,
Continuing to break my heart...
Sep 21, 2014
Sep 21, 2014 at 8:58 PM UTC
Remember when life was simple,
When lunch was all you thought,
When playing on the playground,
Soothed all your sores,
When rain meant an adventure,
And sun meant so much more,
When the friends you had were countless,
Or the hours with no bore?
Now life is oh so dull,
Nothing soothes the pain,
Rain means working harder,
And sun is all the same,
You have no one left beside you,
Hours seem to fly,
Childhood didn't appeal then,
And now you can't wait to die...
Sep 21, 2014
Sep 21, 2014 at 8:48 PM UTC
imagine running
but not just running
you're running like something evil is chasing after you
you can hear your heart pounding in your ear
you're running so hard you can't breathe
i've heard that's how it feels to **** yourself
that that's what it feels like to die
adrenaline flowing through your body
faster than light, faster than you're thinking
you feel it numbing your insides into oblivion.
sometimes I still get that feeling
i've heard you feel it pumping in your veins
viciously, like you're about to explode
i acknowledge that i'm screaming
only through my rib cage
you feel it rattling your every bone
i didn't know it would feel that way
like playing an old Nirvana song too loud
and about the person who said
they'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all -
whoever he or she or it is
they obviously didn't know the true bliss
the ecstasy of absolute nothingness.
the calming of feeling, no feeling at all
i've heard that's how it feels
well most of the time anyway
other than that, you are dead...
Sep 21, 2014
Sep 21, 2014 at 8:57 AM UTC
I know a guy,
I met a girl,
He’s unbelievable,
She was beautiful.
He’s great,
She is beautiful,
He scares me.
She challenges me,
He changes me,
And she changes me,
But I never met him,
But I don’t know her,
I don’t know who he really is,
I can’t tell who she really is,
But I want to,
I wish I could,
I wish I did,
But to me she’s all I want her to be,
Because he’s more than I can imagine,
Everything I need her to be,
Everything I can imagine
Understanding, smart, caring,
Funny, kind, intelligent,
Perfect,
She’s wonderful,
He’s amazing,
She’s the only person I have,
He’s the only one I can trust,
She’s more than I deserve,
He’s my best friend,
And I love her,
And I love him,
But I can’t let her see,
But I also hate him,
Because I’m a monster,
Because he’s a monster,
And she won’t love me,
And I’m afraid of him,
Because of everything I am,
Everything he is,
And she,
And I,
Won’t look past it.
Can’t get past it.
Sep 20, 2014
Sep 20, 2014 at 1:20 PM UTC