When you walked out the pub doors
On a sea of tears and last embraces,
The town stood still.
You broke my heart,
Set it back into place
So that I could feel again.
I was amongst the grown men
Turning backs on each other,
Wrangling our hair,
Pacing the floor,
Until we could not hold back
The occasion any longer.
I know when my plane comes
There will be brief handshakes,
Warm, worn smiles
Fastened from the heat
You gave so generously
To a town that grew cold
In your departure.
You taught us that kindness is enough.
Now rejoicing in private sobs,
Return of feeling for someone else.
This town we complained about,
Until you moved each man to song.
French lessons over the ashtray,
Anecdotes and private jokes
As far as the ear could hear.
I remember when the chemicals took over
And you danced in the sunglass shade
Of a darkened room.
Your energy bounced off the walls,
A pink-noise that echoed as I came down,
Nestled on my shoulder, totemic,
As I fought the speed, tried to sleep.
Beer bottles remained, the splintered ends
That serve as proof for last night’s fireworks.
You always made sure we were safe.
Our chance encounter,
Brief moments which collide,
Leaving marks,
Etching names
Onto stone that cannot wear away.
You taught me that sea of strangers
Is not a place to drown,
Just an avenue towards new land.
You could drink all the time
And it would not consume you.
Get stuck on a blue mood
And still leave your slumber,
Wide-eyed and hopeful for balance.
You left us standing in the rain
Our minds a roulette wheel,
Scattering between goodbye and farewell.
I guess I did not understand the stakes
Until you walked out of those pub doors.
I guess I had forgotten what loss meant,
Those years running from the blade of love
That cuts so finely the line
Of grief and glory.
I am bleeding here.
I am not sure when it will stop.
I am feeling again.
Thank you, friend.
Thank you.
Jun 23, 2016
Jun 23, 2016 at 4:11 AM UTC
We stopped talking but
you've messaged me four times now
to say I'm worthless.
I decided that
we weren't good as friends, and you
did just what you do.
Jay, I'm not asking
for your forgiveness, just that
you keep your silence.
I'm tired and longing
for a peace of mind you seem
eager to ******
"Manipulative",
you texted me to say that
you were in Cleveland.
I read that message.
I waited three seconds and
I deleted it.
A long time ago,
yet so close to yesterday
I really loved you.
Your friends told you to
cut me out of your life, like
my friends said I should.
Neither were wrong, and
this is what it has come to.
This. This is the end.
Your interventions
always came up to protect
your own interests.
Jun 22, 2016
Jun 22, 2016 at 8:54 PM UTC
It would have been one year today...
One year if I had made you stay
One year minus; twenty plus one day
That's when you took your love away
It would have been one year today...
It's not; and that makes my heart tear,
that we never made it one full year,
and you are no longer here...
We didn't make it the full year round
Still wishing you're safe and sound.
It would have been one year today…
one year if I could've made you stay
Jun 22, 2016
Jun 22, 2016 at 8:54 PM UTC
"Zara, have you ever felt tired?"
My heart clenches and I jokingly respond
"Of my 'dumbness' yeah"
"lol but no"
typing...
I know that isn't what you mean.
Don't take this the wrong way, but
I've gathered enough information about you secondhandedly.
I'm quite aware of your state of mind, and you are not okay.
Still, I am taken off guard that you're exposing this to me.
Because you've never shown me your weaknesses.
So much so that I seem to have forgotten what I heard.
But you tell me nothing, giving me no more to ponder.
The conversation swings, but I still feel uneasy,
I've gone through this before. This is only beginning stage.
You're carefully introducing me to your horrors.
The third conversation of it's kind for me.
The third conversation to leave me speechless.
How do you comfort a depressed person?
My Google history shows only this question.
The process is the same each time,
First page, second page, third page.
I've been scrolling blindly through, searchingly, Desperately, Till my sympathy feels shrunken.
Because there are only so many times that I can say, "I'm sorry,"
For a situation I only wished to control.
Sincerely, I empathize with you.
'It will get better one day'
I've typed in the letters to this five word sentence
Five times this morning. 'Keep your chin up.'
My fingers are not lying, but they don't feel authentic.
Not when my eyes are sore from staring at Google's homepage. 'You'll make it through this.'
I've varied in saying this ten times this week.
Please someone tell me,
How do you comfort a depressed person?
My Google history shows only this question
I check daily for new suggestions,
Refresh, refresh, nothing, refresh again.
Because there are only so many times
that those crafted words could hold meaning.
I utter them again, 'It will get better one day.'
Making it six times for the morning.
And I hope it will, I'm not saying this weightlessly.
Even though researched, these are my only responses
to your cry for help.
Because when you show me signs if indirect defeat,
And the Googled suggestions stand still, I become silent.
I have nothing to say, clueless as to what to do.
So I end up muttering meaningless sentences
That I know cause neither harm nor good.
Short senseless sentences that I can only hope will distract you, Confuse you till I collect my gathered sources of ease.
How do you comfort a depressed person?
My Google history shows only this question
Because I become muted without it. My words choke me.
I'm worried that I would cause your fragile wings
To wither even further. Like I have to the others,
Who settled on my fingers before you.
I'm sorry that I haven't got much to offer you,
But I'm used to making everything into a joke, laughing foolishly.
I do this to comfort myself. However most times,
I'm caught holding my hands together, whispering
To my lord, pleading in his divine perfect presence
But,
How do you comfort a depressed person,
When they don't believe in God?
Still I pray, and jokingly ask that his science
Brings him relief.
But you, you pray with me, and I'm unaware of methods To comfort you that you haven't already failed at.
I have so many strung up words that are familiar to you,
But I can't speak them, you've told me nothing yet.
I myself can relate, but Google is opened up again.
I have no first hand knowledge of your mental strength.
You laugh as I do,
"I'll message you later love. My parents are fighting"
A piece of you unfolds and reveals itself to me boldly.
I don't know what to say.
"I'm running away"
But unlike with me, To you, your issues aren't funny.
My Googled message doesn't reach you.
"Keep your chin up," I said at your little revelation
Because it's easier for me than organizing the words in my chest.
"His mother is abusive."
"His father is absent."
"He stays in school so late because he doesn't want to go home."
"He lived on the street for some time."
Jokingly you'd say that your eating a tomato a day, kept the doctor away,
But the humour doesn't reach your eyes, it never does.
However, you leave it at that. You only reveal to me so much. I know it's coming, so I prepare myself,
Once again refresh.
Please someone tell me,
How do you comfort a depressed person,
When Google's suggestions are no longer working?
"Zara have you ever felt tired?"
"Of what?"
"living"
Jun 22, 2016
Jun 22, 2016 at 8:38 PM UTC
I have a dream
from which I refuse to wake
holding on to it so tight
that my reality is slowly fading
what drives me now
is what I see behind closed eyes
Titles do not impress me
what you do for a living
your bank balance or your car
the number of likes
or your amount of followers
these are lies that you regurgitate
to yourself that you've made it
self-approval for mediocrity
my question to you?
what does your heart ache for?
the more you focus on your dreams
the more the nine-to-five
only living for the weekend
paying bills
occasional holiday ********
becomes a sad existence on repeat
is this it?
each time i ask myself this crucial question
the lyrics from a song
the artist and title unknown to me
keeps ringing in my head
"there's gotta be more to life
than chasing this temporary high"
sadly I judge others
that doesn't see the world like I do
that fills their dreams with excuses
but I cannot be angry with them
since my life as it is now
is not what I wish it to be
as the bible say
"let he who is without sin
cast the first stone"
I have my head in the clouds
and my feet cemented to the ground
every part of my being
wants to throw caution to the wind
but whispers of doubt
painstakingly reminds me
I have studied so long
worked so hard
for this career
that is slowly
******* the life out of me
like a dying patient
hooked up on ventilation machines
who's heart is slowly giving up
each time I silently scream
do not resuscitate
i sadly ignore my own plea
and the shock of my responsibilities
brings me back... to this reality
and yet
I still have a dream
from which I refuse to wake
May 7, 2016
May 7, 2016 at 3:30 PM UTC
Beneath the heavens
Where stars once swirled
Do all now sleep
In death unfurled
May 7, 2016
May 7, 2016 at 3:30 PM UTC
You broke every dream I ever had.
All I ever wanted was you, my love...
All I ever wanted was you.
I'm happy that you're happy, I hope you'll stay happy.
But for my sake, my love...
For my sake I must say goodbye to you.
Nobody has torn me the way you have, straight to my core. Ripping and shredding every part of me that makes me, well, me.
You hurt me; I still kept loving you.
And it slowly killed me, until today.
So here I am, saying goodbye.
Goodbye...
Goodbye
May 7, 2016
May 7, 2016 at 3:30 PM UTC
I'm awake all night
I'm awake all day
the restlessness won't go away
They think I'm worried
but I'm not
my thoughts are just tied in knots
confusion lingers in early hours
and continues 'til it's late
As my body starts to abate
The inability to sleep is killing
So I sit and write with ink
And caffeine in my drink
Music playing loud
and I'm waiting to be found
and sleep in silent sound
May 7, 2016
May 7, 2016 at 3:29 PM UTC
the bell rings
and i'm out of breath
did i do well today?
what will my parents say?
i stand in my loneliness
on top of the world
the view is great
the air is cooler than normal
but suddenly i feel so afraid of the void
trying to comfort myself
i say i can't be perfect
i start to let myself go
under the numbers and grades
i run, so lost in this maze
i must make it
i must see it through
but will i ever be enough?
these mixed thoughts engulf me
with my life on the line
i pretend to be careless
for a moment i smile
but it comes back to me
hitting me with a greater force
i fall to my feet
this isn't the first time
i've been here before
i'm getting used to it
why do i even fake it?
the loneliness blossoms in the sun
the world looks so small now
i try to avoid the feeling
but i can't no matter how i try
my grades scrape the ground
even though i stand so high
*the world looks so small now*
when the heat becomes too much
i leave the expectations behind
forever, i'm scarred
hurt by the statistics
the world is getting closer now
its grown so big
May 7, 2016
May 7, 2016 at 3:00 PM UTC
we held hands through
the halls of a concrete
elementary school;
the new shoes
our moms bought
us at the "back to
school" sales at the end
of a short summer, clanked
and screeched and
skited across the freshly
mopped floors
we laughed at recess and played
too much dress up
my best friend,
he hung from monkey bars
and smiled at the ground
and I still remember the first
time he asked to play
hide and seek
with a glaring look in his
big blue eyes
we shared head phones
in squishy army green
seats on a warm yellow bus
on the way to middle school,
and rested our
heads on each other's
shoulders at lunch,
laughing hard about
the summer,
complaining about the heat
my best friend,
he hung upside down
at the edge of my bed after
class was finally over
and he said "I think I
liked that other place
a little better"
we passed bottles
around basements
and blew kisses in gym class
we sped down noble rd
in our brand new
used cars on the way
to high school
screaming songs about everyone
we'd lost and all the ****
we wished we hadn't found
my best friend,
he hung old pictures
in his locker and he watched
the days as he fell behind them
we graduated
with slumped shoulders
and shadows under our eyes,
piercing smiles
& enough memories
to last a lifetime
we went off to college
and got ****** noses
from blowing lines
and telling lies
my best friend
he hung from
an extension cord
in the bedroom closet
of his ninth story
apartment
I still remember the first
time he asked to play
hide and seek
with a glaring look in his
big blue eyes
looks like we can
all use to be found
this time around
May 7, 2016
May 7, 2016 at 2:31 PM UTC