you come knocking at my door.
i greet you with much enthusiasm.
oblivious to the heartbreak that comes
with letting you into my happy home.
you go to my parents bedroom and tap
on the door. you enter without me.
little do i know you’re asking my father
for his permission to make me yours.
as you do this, i sit waiting nervously.
maybe you’re making your escape.
until you walk out with the biggest grin
and ask to take me on a date. this is
the first time you prove you won’t leave.
then we are in the living room. by now,
we have had our first kiss. we’ve held
hands. we’ve said i love you. two broken
15 year olds putting the pieces together
to make them one unit. we’re at our 5
month anniversary when anger decides to
ring the doorbell.
we are screaming in the kitchen. the
walls are dingy with the smell of rain
and hate. we had arguments but never
like this. this is where we break. the band
has broken up. the unit is disassembled.
as you walk out the door i so graciously
welcomed you through, my heart is
smashed.
i’m in the bathroom. crying, vomiting.
i have gone emotionally numb. i let
boys play with me like their own toy.
i smile and react when they look up.
they don’t see the tears building. but
every night i sit in the bathroom and
take all of my feelings for you and
flush them away.
i’m sitting on the porch. we have
reached friends now. i still ache for
you but i have managed this long.
so we sit and swing back and forth
and back and forth until i’m leaning
against you. my heart fluttering.
all of the unspoken feelings flying
through the air. suddenly, i feel the
warmth of your skin on me when you
say you have never stopped loving me.
we kiss and i swear fireworks went off
all night long.
we’re in the backyard. we’re supposed to
be cleaning out the shed. but instead we
are kissing like today is our last day together.
nothing could be better than taking on this world
with you.
we just got home from a date. i’m crying in the
driveway. you care too much about everyone
else’s opinion. you say you want me to be
happy. why can’t you realize that i’m always
happy with you? so i scream. because you
don’t care. you just want to get away. you
kiss me and say you want to take care
of me. is this really how you take care of
someone? you shut the car door and i can
see the tears welling up in those emerald
eyes of yours. you drive away. killing me
over and over and over again.
it’s been 4 months. we’ve both grown.
but i still love you. i infinitely love you.
we’re in my bedroom. kissing is always
fun but we’re cuddled up watching my
favorite movie. the love around us is
intoxicating. you are my rock. you
always have been. you are the love of
my life. let’s not break anymore of our
promises, okay baby?
we’re in the dining room, holding hands.
you tell me you’re not emotionally stable.
you tell me that you can’t give me everything.
why don’t you see that i don’t want everything?
i want you. but you're health comes first.
always. so i let you kiss me one more time.
and i tell you that i am not going to run back
to you next time. i need someone who will
always stick around. you agree. we will both
move on. that’s what’s best. so i say i love you
for the last time. i watch you walk out of this
beautiful house we have built.
i will wait for you because i know we are meant
to be. but i still have fun. reckless danger is my fun
because i am still grieving over you, but i will be
patient. so please when you’re ready knock on
the door, ring the doorbell, call my name. you
will be let in. let into this beautiful house that we
built for ourselves. our bodies grooved into the
furniture. our tear drops soaked into the wood.
our memories painted across the walls.
i will build my own house while i wait for you but
don’t be afraid to come home. come to our home,
honey. it’s grand and waiting for you. i love you,
baby. here is our permanent home.
~k
Nov 14, 2018
Nov 14, 2018 at 8:09 PM UTC
flowers wilt if you don't water them
so don't just water me whenever you feel like it
Oct 29, 2018
Oct 29, 2018 at 7:55 PM UTC
i see the sun again.
the stars are clear.
the moon is full.
the flowers have
bloomed. nothing is
ever as precious
as seeing your eyes
in my life once more.
~k
Oct 29, 2018
Oct 29, 2018 at 7:27 PM UTC
you refuse to hold me anymore
you gave me up
you didn’t want me.
I just want you to want me.
I am always left behind
~k
Oct 24, 2018
Oct 24, 2018 at 10:00 AM UTC
nobody is here to catch my tears.
so I let them fall
and you’d think that after so long
the tears would run dry.
but this waterfall will not end.
~k
Oct 19, 2018
Oct 19, 2018 at 10:09 AM UTC
i see them. the people.
my moms dead brother.
he’s looking out at me.
he’s telling me he’s proud.
he’s proud of who i am.
i see a woman staring.
she’s blonde and beautiful.
i don’t know her i don’t think.
i can see the emptiness in her eyes.
her sadness in life, has grown in death.
i see them often
but nobody knows my secret.
except you.
~k
Oct 16, 2018
Oct 16, 2018 at 10:46 PM UTC
“your tears are water.
you never loved me.”
i can relate to that line
better now, can’t i?
you cry about not having
me anymore. yet you tell
me i’m selfish. you tell me
that i never wanted the best
for you. but i held you every
time you cried. i made sure
you ate lunch everyday.
you spoon feed me
these lies and i take them
down like ice cream. but if
anna karenina taught me
anything, it is that
your tears are water.
you never loved me.
~k
Oct 16, 2018
Oct 16, 2018 at 5:10 PM UTC
i'm afraid of annoying you
because he used to tell me i was annoying
i'm afraid to hear what you have to say about me
because he used to call me names and not the good kind
i'm afraid no one will ever love me
because he used to tell me he hated me
i'm afraid to be with you
because he used to pretend i didn't exist
i'm afraid to get close to you
because he used to flirt with other girls right in front of me
i'm afraid i'm not good enough
because he used to call me fat and called other girls pretty
i'm afraid i'm not really worth it
because he used to tell me he only wanted my body and not all of me
i'm afraid of feeling your touch
because he used to do things to me i didn't want
i'm afraid of loving you
because apparently my love was never enough for him
and what if i can't love you the way you want me to?
Oct 14, 2018
Oct 14, 2018 at 3:34 AM UTC
hello?
happiness?
are you there?
i can’t seem to find you.
it’s been four years.
i really miss you.
i’m sorry i let them get to me.
i’m sorry sadness replaced you.
i swear i didn’t mean it.
if you come back, i swear
i’ll change.
just for you.
happiness, i need you.
~k
Oct 14, 2018
Oct 14, 2018 at 1:59 AM UTC