They've always made me anxious,
I don't know how they work,
& The sun is impossibly golden,
Sinking with hope, eternally out of reach.
I can't
I can
Breathe
I can't
I can
Do this
I don't know
Don't need to know
Where I'm going
I'm going to get
On the ******* bus
And I'm not going to panic
May 7, 2021
May 7, 2021 at 2:27 AM UTC
The strings, twisted, tangled,
Dipped in wax & hung & mangled
Dripping, hot & molten, eaten, fraying
Thoughts lit up & lost
Don’t you like this game?
Don’t you want to play?
I write essays on the things that drive me insane
Wish i could show you but I’m too scared to burn you
My bones protest but I can’t bear to hurt you
I can’t have you recoil again, not after
The dance it took to bring you here
Yet you reject me until you bring me laughter
The strings, twisted, tangled,
Dipped in wax & hung & mangled
Dripping, hot & molten, eaten, fraying
Thoughts lit up & lost
The wick is afire, it burns, it burns
The wicked desire to hurt, it burns
It’s screaming & engulfing & it’s crawling up the walls
Surrender to the dance, consumption
Beautiful, twisting destruction
May 6, 2021
May 6, 2021 at 2:34 AM UTC
Shards of glitter flick against dark windows,
Lit to sparkle from city lights
A hypnotic pattern of movement,
In hands
Fidgeting,
Fluffy toys, keys
The soothing soft voice,
Impossibly gentle
Peeling away at softened shells;
No, I won't answer that question,
Not because of defences
Or pride,
But simply because I do not have the words
To explain exactly why I am at peace,
In a calm moment
From pre-occupied turmoil.
Yellow lattice fences and dimly lit
train tracks
Are whisking me away to
Some place of unsafety,
And I only want to thank you
For this respite,
Sweet little shard
Of glitter
May 5, 2021
May 5, 2021 at 5:40 AM UTC
The air is cold
I missed this.
The amber glowing glares at my back,
Its glowering concern of my travels
Dipping slowly below the horizon
I forgot this magic
The "wrong" adventures,
The temporary gold of sunlight
Wavering before distant storm clouds
I can't wait for this gathering
After the sun has set,
My peers and "children" singing softly
Away from dangerous homes,
I've missed
Walking away
From the safety of a home
At sunset
Apr 28, 2021
Apr 28, 2021 at 3:37 AM UTC
Corridors I'm too familiar with,
And will beg on my life in dreams to
Keep away from
The fingers of fear poke & ***** at my skin,
& Follow,
Follow up deserted streets &
Over steel & iron gates &
Under concrete arched bridges &
I'm too bored to sleep,
Yet my eye twitches;
The need to gather up every empty whiskey bottle
& Every lost and stolen piece of nonsense
Nonsense
For the first time i want to go home,
Because no-one's home
And I'm getting so tired of
Running on empty
Apr 25, 2021
Apr 25, 2021 at 3:42 AM UTC
Too early, too early,
Just always too early,
Time away
From the pull of her hands
I miss you, I'll see you
Sooner than agreed to,
Because I'm desperate
To be away from her hands
Give me time,
Just away from her hands
The slime of her hands
On my skin,
And under it
The smell of her sands
In my brain,
And echoed it's
Insane
Of me to run,
Hiding from all of her
Half-cared and throwaway
Stares,
Mind,
She wouldn't give a ****
Less
Too early, too early,
I couldn't be
Home today
Need to wait,
For anyone to arrive
I'm a ghost, fallen out of time
Apr 19, 2021
Apr 19, 2021 at 7:19 PM UTC
Messy, messy, messy
Crowded
Blurry, faded together
Endless piles of to-dos,
Crockery piling up
I just need-
My head
to let me work
I just need to be left idle
please don't leave me idle
I just need-
Just need to be kept busy,
If I can be contorted into
a constant state of distraction
then Everything will get sorted,
Everything is a distraction,
so I can get lost in Everything,
I just need-
To be left alone
for long enough
that I can explain how I feel about
everyone around me,
so I can go through the motions
of everyone's problems,
& Get back to them when I've figured it all out,
I just need-
Don't leave me alone
not for a second,
I can't be trusted,
& it's too loud in my head
when the world gets
q u i e t
Don't ever let it get
q u i e t
I just need-
Help
Apr 16, 2021
Apr 16, 2021 at 7:26 PM UTC
Chemical imbalance
I can't stop myself being sad,
Maybe I always will be,
But I know I'm getting better;
I've stopped saying that I want to die,
Because I don't.
I've stopped saying I'm the worst,
Because I know it's not true anymore.
I've come back to joke-bragging.
I'm happier.
I can say I'm amazing at writing,
I can take any mundane description,
And I can make it read like fantasy,
Like dreams
I can tell you every which way my confidence points in,
I learn like wildfire and don't forget easy,
And this isn't even arrogance yet,
Because I'll always know the difference.
I'm not always happy,
But I'm getting better
I might not be stubborn enough to
Always push myself further
But I'm taking the steps,
With or without the chemical help I relied on for a year,
Even if that was the only year I found happiness in
Apr 12, 2021
Apr 12, 2021 at 9:05 PM UTC
What can I say, of the creatures I do not remember,
Ambling without form or face or shape?
I know it's beautiful to see,
to listen
How much can I tell you, of the world I've yet to write?
The undulation of waves lapping at eroded shores,
The stars dancing through the sky in showers,
And a thousand tongues stolen,
by the wave of a hand over a
crystal ball
Escapism is an interesting thing,
You sound so alive when you tell me of
chemistry in all its
deadliest forms,
Teach me about suffocation,
or the desert of blue sand & burning rain
Let me show you a new kind of beauty,
The nonsensical,
undeliberate,
Unpolished,
Nothingness
Emptiness has its own beauty,
Just watching everyone else
fill in the gaps
That's where the fun lies,
I find
Apr 11, 2021
Apr 11, 2021 at 7:45 PM UTC
Another world, where the stars fly by in scores of showers
And the ocean is cursed with memory that the land cannot keep
Our players enter the scene aboard the Lady Misfortune,
Drowning their toils & allowing the world to drift past.
Until the day black and blue dressed hands drag their nails through the dawning sky & the Sun is sent spinning,
Struggling to protect its precious pet world
Apr 10, 2021
Apr 10, 2021 at 4:47 AM UTC