They've always made me anxious,
I don't know how they work,
& The sun is impossibly golden,
Sinking with hope, eternally out of reach.
I can't
I can
Breathe
I can't
I can
Do this
I don't know
Don't need to know
Where I'm going
I'm going to get
On the ******* bus
And I'm not going to panic
May 7, 2021
May 7, 2021 at 2:27 AM UTC
I write.. so it seems
With messy sentences, run-ons and proses
All that my mind screams
But.. Funny enough —
the plots are starting to appear in my dreams
Perhaps I overthink it too much
But who knows?
It’s just fun to live through your story in your dreams
May 6, 2021
May 6, 2021 at 8:41 PM UTC
The strings, twisted, tangled,
Dipped in wax & hung & mangled
Dripping, hot & molten, eaten, fraying
Thoughts lit up & lost
Don’t you like this game?
Don’t you want to play?
I write essays on the things that drive me insane
Wish i could show you but I’m too scared to burn you
My bones protest but I can’t bear to hurt you
I can’t have you recoil again, not after
The dance it took to bring you here
Yet you reject me until you bring me laughter
The strings, twisted, tangled,
Dipped in wax & hung & mangled
Dripping, hot & molten, eaten, fraying
Thoughts lit up & lost
The wick is afire, it burns, it burns
The wicked desire to hurt, it burns
It’s screaming & engulfing & it’s crawling up the walls
Surrender to the dance, consumption
Beautiful, twisting destruction
May 6, 2021
May 6, 2021 at 2:34 AM UTC
Shards of glitter flick against dark windows,
Lit to sparkle from city lights
A hypnotic pattern of movement,
In hands
Fidgeting,
Fluffy toys, keys
The soothing soft voice,
Impossibly gentle
Peeling away at softened shells;
No, I won't answer that question,
Not because of defences
Or pride,
But simply because I do not have the words
To explain exactly why I am at peace,
In a calm moment
From pre-occupied turmoil.
Yellow lattice fences and dimly lit
train tracks
Are whisking me away to
Some place of unsafety,
And I only want to thank you
For this respite,
Sweet little shard
Of glitter
May 5, 2021
May 5, 2021 at 5:40 AM UTC
The air is cold
I missed this.
The amber glowing glares at my back,
Its glowering concern of my travels
Dipping slowly below the horizon
I forgot this magic
The "wrong" adventures,
The temporary gold of sunlight
Wavering before distant storm clouds
I can't wait for this gathering
After the sun has set,
My peers and "children" singing softly
Away from dangerous homes,
I've missed
Walking away
From the safety of a home
At sunset
Apr 28, 2021
Apr 28, 2021 at 3:37 AM UTC
Corridors I'm too familiar with,
And will beg on my life in dreams to
Keep away from
The fingers of fear poke & ***** at my skin,
& Follow,
Follow up deserted streets &
Over steel & iron gates &
Under concrete arched bridges &
I'm too bored to sleep,
Yet my eye twitches;
The need to gather up every empty whiskey bottle
& Every lost and stolen piece of nonsense
Nonsense
For the first time i want to go home,
Because no-one's home
And I'm getting so tired of
Running on empty
Apr 25, 2021
Apr 25, 2021 at 3:42 AM UTC
All I yearn for is to smile
Without use of force
Want to **** my unhappiness
Can't pinpoint the source
Then life gets worse the more I strive
Don't know what I should do
Hard to see the planet in technicolor
When soaked in shades of blue
All I wanted was within reach
So close could almost touch
Watched it crumble before my eyes
Guess I didn't deserve that much
It is too late to find myself
I am too far gone
Left zero breadcrumbs to retrace
Steps back to the trail I was on
All I longed for was to make my parents proud
Couldn't live up to the task
They hang their heads in shame
Avoiding questions asked
Then life gives different difficulties
Destined for damnation
Appears no matter which path I travel
All lead to the same location
The price to soothe sting of sorrow
Not one cent more than your very own soul
Owe the devil more than I can pay
The debt is taking it's toll
The 'someday' I keep putting off
Might arrive 24 hours too late
Dangerous to gamble with death
I continue to procrastinate
There will come time where I find myself
Backed into some corner
Then must either battle my demons
Or set a date with the coroner
When all I am missing is too challenging to find
Hidden the single place I don't expect
Camouflaged in front of me
Every other place I've double-checked
A little laughter or slightest curve
Of mouth always gives me the slip
Doubt the peace I am desperate for
Ever will rest on my lips
Without my baggage I would be light
Should throw my burdens away
Drifting high into sky like balloons
Wonder how much less I would weigh
The past I play like movie reels
Rewinded in mind
Visiting simpler time and place
Life actually treated me kind
That little fantasy my escape
Reprieve from cruelty I endure
Inclined to believe was exactly as I recall
Honestly I can't be sure
It's time to give up these broken dreams
While I hold pieces hands start bleeding
Scarlet fragments only hold me back
Prevent from succeeding
But for now lift my weary head
Trudge forward best as I can
It's frustrating to navigate this world's twists and turns
Especially without compass or plan
And attempt to muster the necessary courage
To amputate parts of myself I hate
Lack the strength to cut out my weakness
The power to change my fate
If staying where I am stuck in the same spot
I will still be there until I die
It's as if my feet are frozen in cement
Do not understand the reason why
I know am capable of improvement
Because was a better person before
If I was free from chains back then
Who is to say I can't be once more?
Apr 19, 2021
Apr 19, 2021 at 7:23 PM UTC
Too early, too early,
Just always too early,
Time away
From the pull of her hands
I miss you, I'll see you
Sooner than agreed to,
Because I'm desperate
To be away from her hands
Give me time,
Just away from her hands
The slime of her hands
On my skin,
And under it
The smell of her sands
In my brain,
And echoed it's
Insane
Of me to run,
Hiding from all of her
Half-cared and throwaway
Stares,
Mind,
She wouldn't give a ****
Less
Too early, too early,
I couldn't be
Home today
Need to wait,
For anyone to arrive
I'm a ghost, fallen out of time
Apr 19, 2021
Apr 19, 2021 at 7:19 PM UTC
Messy, messy, messy
Crowded
Blurry, faded together
Endless piles of to-dos,
Crockery piling up
I just need-
My head
to let me work
I just need to be left idle
please don't leave me idle
I just need-
Just need to be kept busy,
If I can be contorted into
a constant state of distraction
then Everything will get sorted,
Everything is a distraction,
so I can get lost in Everything,
I just need-
To be left alone
for long enough
that I can explain how I feel about
everyone around me,
so I can go through the motions
of everyone's problems,
& Get back to them when I've figured it all out,
I just need-
Don't leave me alone
not for a second,
I can't be trusted,
& it's too loud in my head
when the world gets
q u i e t
Don't ever let it get
q u i e t
I just need-
Help
Apr 16, 2021
Apr 16, 2021 at 7:26 PM UTC