It was late and he held me
Tender and close
Like a lover, but as a friend
He put his cheek to mine
For what may have been the last
Time. It's what keeps us apart
Too much time
The wrong time
Too early along in time
Oh how I hate time
For it only takes from us
That which we want.
Yet in that one time
It was exactly the opposite.
For that moment i wished
Time would stay.
Alas, he fled, left me alone.
Time ran faster than ever before
Ripping him from my aching arms.
So silly, that time.
Oh how I hate time.
Apr 26, 2017
Apr 26, 2017 at 1:37 AM UTC
Music for empty apartments
Heard only in the winter
Of the soul
The deepest, coldest part
Where the distant melody
Is omnipresent, dark and low.
Music for the heart and mind
Drifting on the breeze,
And soft and gentle sobs
Heard only by those
Alone with their thoughts,
Swimming in the thoughts of others.
Missing ones held dear
Clinging to memories
Playing them over
and over
and over
So as not to let them go...
Like music
For empty apartments
With empty beds
And empty souls.
Music so unheard, it is nearly lost
Yet to those who play it,
It is deafening.
Apr 26, 2017
Apr 26, 2017 at 1:32 AM UTC
I place my trust in you
- don't break it.
I give my heart to you
- don't take it.
I wish to look upon your face
- you make it so
hard for me.
Hiding in the shadows,
Showing me mere glimpses.
Letting me love you
Only from a distance.
Wrapped in your embrace
Just for a minute.
Pushed aside,
Alone through the thick of it.
Still you have my trust
- I won't let you break it.
And my heart?
-Oh, yes, you've taken it.
Apr 26, 2017
Apr 26, 2017 at 1:28 AM UTC
And as I sit in this same place as he,
Remembering the way he smiled at me,
And holding on to every lasting glance,
I wish that he would give a second chance
For grasping close those smiles and tears alike
Emotions rife with words I never said
His eyes to mine ever devout and like
This mouth wired shut, my face is turning red.
And yet this speech I cannot find; instead
I say platonic but my love is pure
So if and when the both of us are dead
The mystery of thoughts can lack allure.
A burden lifted- my love yours to hold
But still a fallacy our minds behold.
Apr 26, 2017
Apr 26, 2017 at 1:25 AM UTC
The rain falls soft
Against my window,
Nearly indiscernible from
The creaking of the floors,
The settling of the walls.
Each drop slides silently
Across the glass,
Fading in to eternity,
Becoming one with the growing
Puddles and lakes below,
From many, they blend in to one.
Each person who walks
The face of this earth
Treads a path unique to them,
So quickly and silently
It is merely a split second
In eternity, to which
We all must fade.
Settling in to the ground
Bones creaking with age.
Time passed nearly indescribable
From the tears and laughter
In accompaniment.
From one, we fade in to many.
Apr 26, 2017
Apr 26, 2017 at 1:08 AM UTC
I never thought I'd be the one
I'd always seen as less than.
Living a life society
Commercializes as beautiful,
But a young girl sees as
Flawed and directionless;
The way I go about everything.
Yet here I find myself,
Pulled by the undertow toward my fate
One sip, one slip at a time.
Grabbed too quickly with a lurking subtly
Of fingers wrapped tightly around my wrist
So hard I couldn't feel myself
Falling in to them.
I didn't see myself being this one,
Driving home when the light nearly peeks
On the eastern side of my windshield.
Shaking so hard I can barely breathe
Knowing you said things you didn't mean
Only because of the drinks-
And begging myself to believe that.
Sometimes I shake away the good things
Simply because they are good,
And I've felt so much good
I want to know what bad is.
The truth my wandering eyes escape
Seems glaringly obvious in the daylight-
The bad is not good, it is wretched.
Still, I'm at this place
That only I've brought myself to.
Standing on the borders of capabilities,
Yet unable to cross in either direction.
Toward knowing deterioration,
Or a pure sense of empty accomplishment
Neither of which pulls me.
It seems I'll walk the tightrope
For a little while longer,
Lest my gravitational fate
Allow my free-fall to end in a landing.
Apr 24, 2017
Apr 24, 2017 at 2:36 AM UTC
With too many corners,
The way to approach the unapproachable
Becomes more inconceivably distant.
In the ways I pushed against you
Trying to reach for what I knew
But battling a formidable opponent-
An entirely invisible division.
Only emanating confusion
And the impending release of will.
The loss of love without cause
Does not sit lightly in the heart
But even more unsettling
Are the distant recollections
Of something I saw as so pure;
Allowing myself to mold to you.
Free falling backwards
Thinking you’ll be caught is not
A way to ensure salvation.
Lest a demon disguised as an angel
Retrieves you from the gates,
To distort your desire to burn.
Still, you burned.
Numb to the flames in minutes
But susceptible to the smoke,
Restricting the very mortal intention
To inhale the sustaining force of life
Until you felt the sting.
Heedless to the fires,
I’ve come to find I kept you
Quite close to the center of my heart
With forgiveness and patience
Where others don’t wish
To feel the radiation, or pain
Scorched, an understatement.
Ashes to ashes, my desires
Still rampant to pull you back-
You, back to me
Where I can ensure security;
Habitual protection
If for no reason but this:
Each being placed by
Divine intention requires
A deeper connection to feel
Truly alive…
And your walls prevented that.
This is the calm before the storm.
This is the moment to breathe.
This is the time to release.
But that does not mean I leave
When the fire returns.
I will never again let you burn.
Mar 3, 2017
Mar 3, 2017 at 1:50 AM UTC
isn't it crazy how
in the blink of an eye
one split second decision
can set off a
spiral of beauty
and pain
and sacrifice
and affection,
all wrapped in to one time bomb
of a relationship
with a fast approaching expiration date?
Jan 19, 2017
Jan 19, 2017 at 1:56 AM UTC
If this is what I have to do then I may as well admit it to you, if no one else. Because you, the person in my head, the one I always talk to instead of real people in the world... you may be the only one who sees me for who I am. Broken and hurting and falling with no safe place to land. It's hard for me to show you why I'm stuck here in this place, but the easiest way to put it is the hardest thing to say. I loved him. I love him still. It's forcing back against my will, I push, it shoves, I'm falling down, my head has lost its mental crown. For in this state I do not own the thoughts I have; you can relate- I am their slave, as you are mine. I manipulate the way you perceive me, and they force me to feel this way as well. Just as I do, they can deceive me, and force me how this way to tell. I do not want to love him now, but I can't find the strength I need to muster to push him away. The longer he's here, the faster it stays. You see the problem? I know I do, it's hard for me to admit to you because I don't want it to be a problem! I want to hold him close at night, I want to feel close beside me, and his warmth and soft embrace- there was a time he set the pace, and I followed. But now it seems he's only pulled away enough for his own mental anguish to desist, while I am left to ponder on this list of reasons I still feel attached, and my heart to his is latched. I only wish for freedom, but know I am not willing to take back my own kingdom if it means dethroning him, for he leads so well. But when he leaves my mind throbs and swells in a state of mental discourse between myself (and you of course), and him and them and everyone who tries to feed my ways to cope. But I don't need their games- it's all a joke, with the punch line being: I'll still love him, all said and done. Someday when we both find someone he will be happy, as will I, and likely the truth is as you say; the best doctor is time. Behind these mental prisons there are tunnels I have dug, and deep inside one a small hope remains snug that somewhere far along the path he and I will cross and laugh at how we thought it wouldn't be and yet it seems he's there for me and we will walk along together, facing storms and dreary weather... because like I said, all along he's been the one inside my head. And perhaps I've been in his. But now it's time to leave that dream, buried deep within this hole. I cannot visit it, it seems it will only hold me back once more. You understand, don't you? How I have to do this alone? I know you want to help me here, but if he picks up the phone, it will only be me- one voice, one sound. Telling him that I have found I have to fire him from this position of entitlement he's found over my being, over myself. Of course, he doesn't know he's there- he never did anything wrong.... all of these things I've come to find, I've placed him there within my mind. I love him, I loved him, and I do still. Its all against my will. I may deceive you more, but at least understand- I've tried to shut the door. It will close itself when it is ready, which may be now.
Dec 2, 2016
Dec 2, 2016 at 2:26 AM UTC
It's times like these when you look to the rest of your life and say, "what am I supposed to do with this", so you throw it at a wall and see if it sticks. Because life is far too long and far too hard, and at a snail's pace we don't get very far.... it's like regression to childhood; being lost in a large neighborhood, and uncertain of which turn to take- that's every **** choice you make. There's no way to know how to make it better, we just keep walking and getting wetter as the storm gets harder and we get farther from finding answers......
The spaghetti test in terms of life, I suppose, a way to see if all this strife is worth the outcome we seek. Because life is definitely NOT for the meek. Those who abandon heart will never see the light, for life requires such a fight. But unlike pasta growing soft in water, if we wish to persist we have to be stronger- and throwing life to see if it sticks only works if we cease and desist at trying to remain hard and fast, and pushing up against coming last.
Dec 2, 2016
Dec 2, 2016 at 1:20 AM UTC