Syn
Hey my name is Benji Lovell. I am 22 years old and was told about this website from a friend and wanted to give it a try. I just type what I feel and just hope it sounds good. Lol but if you have any questions or anything please don't hesitate to ask. I am a nice person and easygoing and will talk to anyone if they feel like it. Sometimes it's nice to talk to someone about how you feel.
The past two weeks I have been doing my own thing.
It actually feels pretty good.
I have been just chilling at the house and working and doesn't seem like much.
But it feels really good.
I know now what I am going to do with myself I just got to keep pushing and I will be where I want to be.
With the advice of two friends that are still there for me. Shockingly.
They have helped me and pointed me in the right direction.
For that I thank you both.
I must let go of the past and move on with my life.
I am starting to let go of the past to continue on this road.
I feel like I have made a right turn.
I must seize the day now and let the darkness of my past go.
I have little time left to turn my life around before the big day.
For all the people I have hurt and betrayed.
I am sorry for my actions and wished things could've been better.
Someone told me that the stuff I have done was in my head and I didn't think about it. The exact words that was told to me was I had a mind set and didn't realize it was "well I'm gonna hurt them before they hurt me" in a sense that is true. I didn't even realize until someone told me.
I have one more thing I have literally only told one person and they understood.
Even after everything I have done to hurt them. They were still there for me.
They were in the same position as me and understand everything I'm going through.
I must finally put my destiny in my own hands and follow my dreams and as should you. The reader.
I will seize the day and grasp the opportunities I am given.
You only get one shot in life and I don't want to miss out anymore.
I must make myself happy and a better person now to truly be who I want to be not just for myself but for the people around me.
Well who's left anyways.
Life has given me plenty of curve *****
I am ready to step up to the plate and make a home run.
Carpe Diem (Seize The Day)
Jan 28, 2017
Jan 28, 2017 at 10:14 PM UTC
I have finally made a big leap on making myself better.
I am making a big jump and going away for I don't know how long.
Hopefully if everything goes through I will be leaving from where I am now.
To actually be the good man I can only dream of right now.
I am doing this for me and to try and make up for what I have done to hurt so many people over my lifetime.
This journey is going to be a long and rough journey where I am going.........
But it'll be worth it.
To my only 5 followers on here.
Thank you for taking time out of your day and reading what I type on here.
Jan 11, 2017
Jan 11, 2017 at 4:33 AM UTC
The past couple days I can already feel a change coming.
Hoping it's for the better and not the worse.
I have hurt to many people for everything I have done.
I need to get rid of this beast inside of me for good and become the man I want to be.
I have hurt myself and others for far too long.
I want to better myself first before I can Love again.
I can't find true love with the beast inside taking over and to lie and cheat with the person I am with.
I am going to take the opportunity to better myself and finally become the man who I want to be and actually be loyal and honest with the person whom I love the most.
Maybe not next week, next month, or the next 6 months.
However long it takes to better myself I will do it.
I know who I care about and want to be with.
I hurt her badly to the point of possibly no return.
Whether she stays or goes I won't stop bettering myself.
Only time and effort can tell..........
Jan 9, 2017
Jan 9, 2017 at 8:30 PM UTC
I'm gonna be honest with whoever reads this. The man I am today is not who I wanted to be. I've hurt the ones close to me and I can't stop it. This time I've ruined things and there isn't not turning back. I've lied and cheated on the one that was suppose to mean the world to me. What is wrong with me? Will I ever be helped and saved. The best thing for me to do is to stay away. I never thought I'd say this but you wasn't the walking disease. I am. I'm a plague. I honestly don't think I'll ever see my happy ending. I feel like Lex Luthor who tries to justify his mistakes. I can't do that. I will not allow that. If you ever read this I truly am sorry. I may be a ****** up person and hard to show emotion but you still mean something to me. I'm sorry for doing what I did. I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you. I don't deserve happiness for everything I've done. You do deserve the world and a lot more. I hurt you badly and I will never truly forgive myself for everything I've done. Maybe one day I'll be forgiven. Hopefully one day I'll be the best and loyal man a woman could ever dream of.
Jan 8, 2017
Jan 8, 2017 at 8:12 PM UTC
Everything I have done was all in vain. Everything I do ends up with no happy ending.
But I'm not gonna give up.
I will never give up. I will continue to try to fill the void until it's finally full.
Life's to short to be sad and depressed. I can finally see that now. I will find my happy ending even if I have to travel to the ends of earth to find it.
Am I happy right now? Hell no I'm not.
I will throw away all the darkness and hate and try to make anew. Try to make my life right and walk away from everyone's negativity.
I will continue to fill my void with happiness I don't have yet. I'm not gonna give up. I will not succumb to the darkness again. So **** you and everything you try to throw my way.
Sep 29, 2016
Sep 29, 2016 at 8:25 PM UTC
The tears that are running down my face is from all the pain I have bottled up for so long. The bottle has smashed and the water works are running. I can't take that much anymore and don't know if I can take anymore. Will there ever be a time that I can actually feel again? That I can actually be happy again and go on with my life. I guess only continuing my life that I seriously want to end I will find out. I have no one. No one to talk to about my feelings. About how I feel without people saying I'm psychotic. I don't know if I can take another day of this. Restless all the time and feel nothing but pain. It has went on for quite sometime and don't know if I can take it.
For all the people that has liked my stuff on here thank you for everything. I love you all.
Aug 1, 2016
Aug 1, 2016 at 5:16 AM UTC
My life I feel is at a stand still.
With little to no friends I struggle.
My life is like a big black hole full of emptiness.
I try to continue with the mask on my face and it starts to crack.
I am being pushed into a corner and don't know what to do.
I try to get help but no response.
I try to help others even when they never help me when I need it.
My life is a complete disaster.
I have lost my feelings for life and everyone in it.
I don't know.....how to feel anymore.
My mind, heart, and soul is lost.
****** into the void.
I am just an emotionless person trying to be happy when I know I can't.
Wondering upon this earth studying. Learning. How to makeup emotions and feelings.
Trying to make myself feel again.
I really don't know what to do or think anymore.
Jun 6, 2016
Jun 6, 2016 at 7:40 PM UTC
I continue my life.
I still wonder why.
My darkness has come back.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I still wonder why I feel the same.
I've tried everything and still no light.
Sometimes I wonder if I ever will be truly happy.
I have a ****** up life and still do.
I found my light after awhile of searching for it.
The question is will the light come back?
Come back to get rid of my darkness.
So I can actually start to love my life again.
To truly cherish the precious life I have.
Only time can tell.
But time is catching up to me.
Jun 1, 2016
Jun 1, 2016 at 9:50 PM UTC
As I walk through the valley of pain and regret, I see the rocks crumbling around me.
Surrounded by my past. Old emotions and memories I shouldn't be thinking of. Sometimes I wonder why? I continue to walk hoping that the rocks will stop falling so I can continue to my path with ease. Things haven't been good in my life. It does have its moments. My life is like a cloudy day. You don't know if it's gonna rain and storm. My life has been full of pain and regret and little light. As I try to continue on with my dull life I ask you who is reading this. Should I continue? Should I go on and move forward and hope for the best? I am confused and in my emotions and old memories that I shouldn't be thinking of and don't know what to do. I ask you.....the reader. Should I?
May 26, 2016
May 26, 2016 at 4:52 PM UTC
My life I thought was good and now it's better. You made your move and now it's mine. I'm on my own path. My path in life. This road I have taken has made me anew. Where I was at I thought I had it all. Now I know I have it all. I've been on so many roads and have been nothing but dead ends. Time to cut the ties that has held me back and continue on forward. My life has never been better. The times I was in were just shorts periods of happiness. Now my happiness is continuous. I have found someone who doesn't play with my mind or put me through stress. Who actually wants me and will do anything they can to make me happy. Who hasn't led me on. I have been through a lot of relationships. But I think this one is the truest and honest one I've had. We've already been stressed, irritated, aggravated, etc. But we have still stuck together and have made each other happy and fulfill our needs and wants. Never a dull moment. Never. So thank you for making your mistakes because if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be where I am at today. A better person and having a good woman who cherishes time with me and loves me for who I am.
Aug 21, 2015
Aug 21, 2015 at 11:39 PM UTC