i.
I intentionally failed to wish you
a happy birthday this year,
though I know significant dates,
hours, moments, people,
by heart.
I still search for you in boys
I mistake for bandages,
the ones with eyes almost
the same shade of your hazels,
lips resounding your laughter,
resembling a wisp of your smile,
But they aren't you.
ii.
Sometimes I pretend you're dead,
because it's less painful
to stop reaching out into voids.
iii.
My mom still blames you
for everything that preceded that year.
Though you probably had no idea what happened
when we stopped talking altogether.
Can you believe it's almost been three years?
iv.
My dad wonders who was my 'one that got away'
Though, I'm pretty sure he knows
it's you.
v.
Remember how I mentioned Sylvia Plath?
How most everything she wrote
brimmed with melancholy?
How I loved every single word?
Especially that piece
where she talked about expectations
and disappointments.
You'll never know that
up to this day I still think
people are selfish enough to
always, eventually turn into the latter.
Even you.
vi.
It's sad I never got the chance
to tell you about Ted.
How she loved him so much,
she just had to figuratively dive headfirst
into the flames-- burning herself,
what was left of her--
after she found out
he never really loved her
the same way
she loved him
in the first place.
vii.
*truth is,
some of us
never learn to accept
the love we think we deserve.*
viii.
I don't know if you still read my poems
or if you still think about me,
about us, sometimes.
Every time you fall asleep past eleven,
a part of me hopes you do.
because I always remember you--
in birthday candles, red ribbons,
off-tune voice records, golden arches,
concrete sidewalks, pedestrian lanes,
the last flickers of city lights
softly fading out of the blue.
I remember you
in everything, in everywhere,
in everyone.
It's useless, no matter how much I try to forget.
No matter how much I just want to forget.
I want to forget.
But, how could I?
When forgetting means forsaking
the very memory of you.
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 2:37 AM UTC
I push I pull I scream I ask for help.
I never can be free without you here
I search my heart to try to find myself
I cry to pass the time of pain and fear
My beating heart; a roar inside of me
Forgotten memories lost souls hurt hearts
I'm pounding on a locked door; let me be
The pain forever hums; I'm torn apart
But still, I see the hopeful light of day
My mother's warm arms grab and hold me tight
She leads me on and helps me find the way
Through dark and fear, shes by me through every fight
When life throws me around like I'm nothing
My mom is there to hold me back from cutting
Gillian Askeland
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 2:28 AM UTC
Dance Takes The Pain Away
She dances to take the pain away.
She leaps across the floor; kicks her leg high up in the air.
after warm-ups, she laces her pointe shoes.
On full pointe; chaînés the floor. Spotting every step of the way.
Warmth in her heart, happiness across her face.
The pain is gone.
By Gillian Askeland
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 2:27 AM UTC
The mirror is my enemy,
its' reflection makes me cry;
For what I see, looking back at me,
is a Monster in disguise.
~
I avoid them like the plague,
I'd like to take them down;
'Cause every time, I look inside,
my heart falls to the ground.
~
A false view of myself,
is all I ever see;
For every time, I pass one by,
depression visits me.
~
I'd like to shatter all of them,
but it wouldn't change a thing;
So I will still avoid them,
I hate everything I see.
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 2:25 AM UTC
Am I invisible?
You'll never see what you do to me.
Because I'm in love with a stranger.
Should I let it go?
Will he ever see what he does to me?
Breaking hearts everytime he sees me.
He doesn't even know my name.
-Gillian Askeland
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 2:22 AM UTC
I call the lifeline cause I'm giving up.
I wish I could turn the switch on and leave it on all **** day.
I wish I didn't have to fake every day.
I'm finally giving up and raising up my white flag.
I'm barely breathing.
-Gillian Askeland
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 2:17 AM UTC
I went back to you after you broke my heart.
I know you're busy now cause why else would you ignore me?
Or did you change your mind?
Why did I even let you in?
I ask you if you're okay.
And I know it's not true when you say "I'm fine"
How could you not love someone who lets you break them twice?
-Gillian Askeland
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 2:08 AM UTC
Where I’m From
She’s from that town in Iowa that’s not too big and not too small.
She goes to that school where you have to fend for yourself and try not to get in people’s way.
She’s from that broken path that people made.
She’s that girl who sits in the back of the room silent like a mouse because she’s scared to say anything.
She writes to feel okay and get to lost for awhile.
She dances through the pain.
She is sleep deprived.
No sleep will cure how tired she is.
That path she’s on, she fights every day and keeps a smile on her face so no one stops and asks if she’s okay.
It’s hard to trust and call her best friend her best friend.
She keeps a lot to herself.
Like that fact she has scars on her hips when she was drowning in cold water.
Or that she’s scared to do what she loves the most...
She’s scared to open up and be herself.
She’s from that family who has to get grades and doesn't have a lot of money.
She doesn't fit in because she doesn't own the “store named” clothing.
She’s that girl who walks with her head down in the hallway and headphones in. She hears everyone talking through the music and she doesn’t like the things they say.
The music she listens to is depressing. You’d call her insane if you listened to it.
Have you ever looked into her tired eyes and realize
she’s barely holding on anymore?
She stays up at night and tries to sleep.
But her demons don’t let her.
She always has those questions in her mind like, “is it worth it” “does anyone care”
But, someone cares
Her best friend.
He helped her get out of that cold water she was drowning in.
She finally put on a real smile and has a real laugh again. All because she knows every day when she gets up someone is caring for her and loves her.
Look into her not so tired eyes.
Notice anything? Notice she’s happy again? Or do not notice any change?
You didn’t notice any change because you haven’t been through
hell like her
It’s because she kept fighting and not caring. She found her person
That girl is me and I’m still here letting people know they can do it and that it’s worth the fight.
-Gillian Askeland
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 1:56 AM UTC
I get this urge to jump off a cliff.
Every time I see one I walk to the edge and chicken out.
I look at how far down it goes. It's like grand canyon but smaller.
I see the river and take a step forward. I see the sky and take a step back.
L'apple Du Vide
I take another step back as I think of my family and friends.
I turn around as I tell myself one day I'll be happy.
-Gillian Askeland
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 1:53 AM UTC
You are my Thanatophobia.
I fear to lose you.
My love.
Best friend.
The one who fills that empty void in my soul.
The one who fixed my heart.
You are my Thanatophobia.
-Gillian Askeland
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 1:50 AM UTC