My language is foul and nasty
Someone who lost out by lack of proxy
My expressions are bipolar
At most times I wish I was happy
You don't know what's inside of my head
I might as well be dead
There's too many feelings inside of this body I was cursed to live in
I'm screaming I'm crying
I'm begging I'm dying
For now I'll just go home and spend my time buyin
The thing that makes me so high I won't end up whinin'
My super happy fun time dream in the sky
Sep 16, 2017
Sep 16, 2017 at 4:23 PM UTC
I walked through my forest, stepping over humongous tree roots, green covered veins pumping life to the heart of my peace. I was familiar with this place. Towering trees, trunks thicker than cars shooting into the skies, although those contraptions were not known to this unsullied place. I stared in wonder at the extraordinary beauty as I did every time I came here. It was quiet, still, a place of undisturbed silence. It beckoned me to it. This was my forest.
I navigated my way through the dense woods, my foot becoming caught in a root, causing me to fall. My skull felt broken, as if pieces of it were missing. I put my hand on my forehead, something wet covering it. I put my palm out in front of me, regaining focus of my vision. Blood. The sudden realization of what happened hitting me harder than my fall. I had never been hurt here before.
I felt my pupils dilate, my body beginning to shake, with one enormous release of air I let out a scream that rocked the frame of my body….as I thought. I looked around confusedly, breathing in again and attempting to let the air out with a high pitched shriek. Silence.
I thought back to all the times I came here. I had never spoken because there was no one to talk to. My footsteps never made a sound. My joyful cooing over the supposed beauty of the forest never traveled past my lips. Even when I fell there was no thud. No sound despite the loud shattering of my heart. Suddenly, this was no longer my forest.
The enormity of the trees were suddenly overwhelming, the crisp air suffocating, and the piercing silence deafening. This forest was unusual, there was no wildlife. No birds chirping or squirrels jumping from tree to tree to disrupt the quiet. No breeze rushed through the unbreathing lungs of the dead wilderness. No brush covered the sun starved ground. Not one leaf ever fell from the plentiful amount of trees that went on seemingly forever. Roots stretched across the forest floor like hideous snakes.
Everything I once found beautiful about this place is now twisted and ugly. This was my forest, a place of peace. A place I could go to forget. Or was it ever that? Was I just tricking myself into believing that this place I could not escape was everything I ever wanted. As if I had a choice of coming back. As if I ever left.
I know now what this place is. There is no hope, there is no beauty. I can no longer pretend that what I see is anything but grotesque. I lay on the ground and watch as flames appear, the reflection of fire in my eyes, devouring everything that once was and ever will be of my forest.
I don’t know how long it was before I realized that I could finally feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. How long I laid in the ashes of my sorrow before I realized that there wasn’t just a nothing after my forest was gone. Before I realized that I was staring into the sky, not a black hole.
I felt sensations I had never felt before. No, I had a long time ago before my forest had ever grown here. Slowly I sat up, surprised to find that my body no longer ached. Blood no longer coated my forehead. All that was left of my forest was ash. My forest was gone.
Then I saw it, pink petals spread as if waiting to receive something long overdue. A splash of color amongst the charred blacks and greys of my past. I stared in wonder at the extraordinary beauty. A breeze rushed through the reviving lungs of my hopeful perseverance, carrying the ashes of my denial away.
A vibrant green covered the ground, roots no longer hindering it from spreading throughout the area. Getting up and walking to the flower only to be cast onto my knees once again. How undeserving I was. I stared at it, doing something I had never done looking at my forest. I smiled. This was my flower.
Apr 22, 2017
Apr 22, 2017 at 11:59 PM UTC
You are as you are
As I am me
Conceived from you I was
But different I will be
I come to you for caring
For loving and support
I tell you hesitantly
My worries and concerns
For it was you who approached me
The ones who asked me why
Why I seemed so lonely
My mask a great disguise
The suffering is great
The pain I sometimes feel
When I tell you my problems
And you just stomp your heels
You want an explanation
Not the truth, that is
I'm dying on the inside
Why can't I speak of it
The tears are falling down
Caressing gently my cheeks
It's more than you can do
You hate every second of it
Around we go again
The explanations and the lies
The discarded pleas for help
Oh how I wish I could die
I feel like you don't know me
As if I am just a stranger to you now
Oh wait I am
When did this happen? How?
I gave you all my trust
To confide in you, I did
But now I am just empty
From the pain of all of this
You took my heart
And crushed it
There is no doubt of this
For now I speak no more
Of the toils I know lie ahead
You look at me with curiosity
Oh how I wish to see
Your faces when you realize
That I'm no longer the person I used to be
I'm quiet and discerning
Alert and very watchful
I will not make the same mistake
It was truly awful
But don't blame this all on me
It was mostly you
Who took hold of my fragile heart
And broke it right in two
Mar 21, 2017
Mar 21, 2017 at 10:35 PM UTC
Sometimes I wonder if I can do anything right
Is it me
Was a born in a way that enables me to do nothing right
Or is it you
Mom
Will there ever be a day I can please you?
To see a smile spread across your face once again
Like wildfire across a dry forest
As you say
Good job. I'm so proud of you.
Will that day ever come
Or am I stuck here
Left on my own to try to find a way
On how to make you turn your head and look at me
In a way that doesn't involve anger
I've tried so many ways to get your attention
Bad and good
To get you to stay
Studying hard
Getting honor roll
Running away
Hurting myself
Throwing tantrums
Trying to end my own life
But every other night
You'd go out with your friends
And leave me alone
Alone with my thoughts
Making me ask myself why I'm not good enough
Why can't you just stay
Why do you choose a drink over your own child?
And why do you act like I'm the failure
When you're the one
Who keeps letting me down
I want you to stay
I want you to love me
But you choose
*****
And that's fine
But in twenty years from now
When you're lying alone in an empty bed
Within a empty house
With no one to call
I want you to ask yourself if it was worth it
If I was worth that couple of beers
Or a few shots
Or that well made margarita
Because I won't be
I'll be starting a new life
Without you
With a loving spouse
And your beautiful grandchildren
That you'll never see
I love you mom
But I'm much happier
Without you
Dec 11, 2016
Dec 11, 2016 at 10:46 PM UTC
It was on that day the world changed
I realized that humans were insane
The day I realized people ****
That people cheat others of their own will
The sky was sunny and clear of grey
As my heart was clouded with a darkening haze
I looked for someone to tell me I was wrong
Just to find everyone knew all along
I whispered shakily to myself
How could I have been fooling myself?
This is not a paradise
A utopia for all
Just an insane world
Not for one, but all
I hear the dead screaming
Their ends were brought in vain
Children weeping sorrowfully
In the pouring rain
The homeless slowly dying
Their ashes spread to the wind
No one can save them now
No one here can win
I see the mourning faces
Those who bemoan the lost
Their hearts shattered and broken
They payed the ultimate cost
I have no more to say
I have no more time to run
I must accept the truth
This world is meant to rot
Oct 7, 2016
Oct 7, 2016 at 12:58 AM UTC
What is this loneliness inside my soul
Begging to be let free
But how
How do I let free that which is not physical
Or am I mistaken
Is loneliness a tangible thing
Can it turn into something greater than an emotion?
******
Will these bodies keep me company
Or are these lifeless eyes just another distraction
Helping me hide from my pain
Running away from my shadows
Drugs
Attention
***
Mutilation
I could say these things brought me joy
Pleasure
But no
I always knew the pain was right around the corner
Mocking me
Sometimes I miss how I used to be
The act I could put on
I had friends
Family
As I grew older I couldn't keep up the facade
I'm not a terrible person at heart
I don't want to be this way
I don't want people to leave me
But whatever I have
Whatever I am
Keeps me back
I can't get close to people
I can't have friends
I just hurt them in the end
I don't mean to abuse people
It just turns out that way
I'm sorry to everyone I've hurt
I'm sorry it has to be this way
But I realized I can't hurt anyone when I'm alone
So here I am thinking thoughts no one will ever know
Feeling things nobody will ever guess
And bleeding blood that everyone will never see
Maybe I wasn't made for this world
Maybe this world wasn't made for me
All I know is that I'm dangerous
I lure people in
With promises of love and support
And I believe it too
That I'll help them
But in the end it's always the same
The people I love
They all end up more hurt inside
Than before they came
So I'm leaving now
Even though I'm not saying goodbye
I want you to know that I love you
All of you
Even if I've done the cruelest of things
Said the meanest of words
And committed the worst of crimes against your hearts
I want you to be happy
And the worst part is
That I can't take responsibility for my actions
I don't want to say I was wrong
I can't admit I was the cause of your suffering
I've tormented you
Manipulated you
Destroyed you
Traumatized you
Yet a part of me doesn't want to accept I was wrong
A part of me feels nothing for your pain
I can't take the blame
I'd rather die first
Sep 25, 2016
Sep 25, 2016 at 10:27 PM UTC
It hurts so bad
The pain you have dealt me
I don't know what I did wrong
Please tell me
Was it because I was weak?
That is what you told me
But I still don't understand
Why you had to leave me
I knew you more than most
Is what I thought
Then you threw me away like I was nothing
I feel so stupid, opening my heart to someone like you
I knew you were bound to hurt me
I knew you were bound to bruise me
But what I don't understand
Is why you had to leave me
Jan 31, 2016
Jan 31, 2016 at 12:29 AM UTC
We were there all along
The children of shadows
Waiting to be seen
The soft words of the fallen left unspoken
Those of us who made it out alive
We mourn those who did not
The grief and pain of being misunderstood
Is more than I could ever describe with words
Those eyes filled with hate
Mad at the world, and scared of fate
They used to hold hope and light
The eyes of a child
We raced hurriedly towards the future
Saying "I can't wait to grow up"
What were we thinking?
And here we are
Exactly where we wanted to be
But not with the result expected
Asking where it all went wrong
Alone we stand, abused by the world
Confiding in each other
Hoping one of us might have the answer
Just to learn we're all as wounded as the next
What do we fight for?
What do we stand for?
What are we?
Who are we?
We're just kids
Grown older
But kids none the less
You tell us
To fix it ourselves
But you never give us a solution
You tell us
We're your future
And yet, you treat us with indifference.
You tell us
You're here for us
But where is your presence
Among these tears on the ground?
We are the children of shadows
Our hearts beaten and broken
We were waiting for you to open your eyes
But you never even turned around to see
Jan 9, 2016
Jan 9, 2016 at 11:20 PM UTC