I spent most of my life looking for validation and your approval. I was never good enough for you or Mom. I spent most of my teen years looking for ways out of this life. I wanted to be gone. I wasn't wanted, nor did anyone crave my presence. But life continued. How? Obviously, God had bigger plans for me than I did for myself.
Pomp and circumstance filled the air. I looked around hoping you two would have changed your mind and came despite your disgust with me. That hope was shattered. I should've been proud of myself, but nay. There was nothing to be proud of when my own parents didn't even want to celebrate my "accomplishment."
Fast forward 4 years: I was a new mother. My relationship with you two was complex. Were you in my life? Sure. Was it without ridicule or judgement? No. I convinced myself that no matter what I do, I will NEVER be good enough for you.
3 more years go by. Mom is gone. Gone to a place I'm hoping I will see her again someday when it is my time to depart from this world. You walk me down the aisle with tears in your eyes. I've never seen you cry for or about me. You tell me you love me and that Mom would've been so proud of who I turned out to be. A special moment shared seemed to have faded fast. You replaced Mom. You swore that wasn't the case, but it was obvious. You gave her the life my mom deserved but never got. You worshipped the very ground the new woman walked on. Soon, even I was replaced. You found yourself a new family. You loved and adored them way more than you could have ever loved me. You were happy with your replacement family. There was tons to be proud of and nothing to be proud of me. Things said that upset me and I couldn't tell you about them because you'd tell me that I needed mental help. Just for sharing my feelings and venting to you. My father. Isn't that what a Daddy is supposed to do? Comfort your baby when she's upset or even offer some words of guidance? Did you offer such a thing? NO. I made up my mind. I was disposable. You just wanted us around for the times you needed validation from the outsiders to see how loving of a father and grandfather you were. I made my peace with it at the time. I lost you before you even died. Then, that's just what happened. You died. Before I ever had the chance to really make you proud of me. Before I was worth anything in your eyes. Now, I have to live my new normal even though nothing about losing BOTH of your parents before you even reach your mid-30's is normal.
Jul 23, 2025
Jul 23, 2025 at 7:22 PM UTC
”Last week I walked on water
Today I'm sinking low
Can your hand reach down to me and pull me up once more
The dreams I had are shattered, scattered on the floor
The last time you picked up the pieces helped me dream some more
Cause were making stained glass windows
Every piece a different shade
Broken and then put together like a big mistake
But when the light shines through the colors form a tapestry
A hundred different images of how you keep loving me
Each moment you are with me
Each word I hear you say
Help me understand and trust in your higher ways
The road that goes through valleys help me cling to you
And when we find a mountain top we'll dance the whole day through
Cause were making stained glass windows
Every piece a different shade
Broken and then put together like a big mistake
But when the light shines through the colors form a tapestry
A hundred different images of how you keep loving me
I don't know why, I don't know why
You keep loving me
Yeah, yeah
Broken and then put together
Were making stained glass windows
Every piece a different shade
Broken and then put together like a big mistake
Oh and when the light shines through the colors form a tapestry
A hundred different images of how
And when the light shines through the colors form a tapestry
A hundred different images of how you keep loving me“
Nov 6, 2019
Nov 6, 2019 at 3:08 AM UTC
Betrayal. One of the worst pains to feel.
When am I going to be betrayed again?
Watch my back.
Cry myself to sleep wondering what I did wrong to be betrayed—cheated, lied to, and broken.
It’s been almost a year since I’ve chosen to forgive you But still, it hurts.
Like the burning of a hot blade pressed against flesh.
What did I do to deserve this? Why was I not good enough?
Nov 5, 2019
Nov 5, 2019 at 1:05 AM UTC
I didn’t know I was pregnant. But the baby didn’t stay. Because of my PCOS, my body couldn’t “home” the baby. The doctor says, “Chances of you having children is less than likely than most women.”
2 years later, out of pure luck and not even trying, I conceived. Scared to death every time there was even a small delay of movement. Thoughts, “Oh no, the baby isn’t moving.” “Oh no, I don’t want to lose this baby too.” Nine months go by, I give birth to a beautiful healthy little baby boy.
That baby boy is 6 years old now and his daddy and I want another. It’s been nearly two years of trying. 6 months with medication. Pills after pills, increasing their dosage each month. Adding in another pill which makes me super sick. I ask myself, “Is another baby really worth all of this sickness? All of this exhaustion?” I want to say yes, but I’m struggling. I’m struggling so hard. Because that’s just it. I am so sick, I am so exhausted, but I am so wanting this. I WANT THIS BAD. I just can’t take the heart break month after month.
Seeing pregnancy announcements—one after another makes me envy these women. Some of them even make me angry. I think to myself, “You shouldn’t even be having kids! Why are you able to get pregnant and I’m not?!” HOW IS THIS FREAKING FAIR?!
Nov 4, 2019
Nov 4, 2019 at 1:01 AM UTC
“Three years of birthdays without you,
only one wish could there be,
to blow out my candles
and have you standing there beside me.
Three birthdays of missing you.
Three birthdays with a heart of pain.
What I wouldn’t give
to have you in my life again.
I miss your smiling face,
the warmth and love that was you.
Everyone else came first in your life,
it was just something you’d do.
I hope you knew what you meant us,
know how much you are missed.
Do you know how often you’re thought of or how many times your picture is kissed?
You made an impact on your family,
everlasting and always there.
The heartache I feel from losing you
is at times more than I can bear.
How I wish I could blow out my candles
and have you back in my life. The roles you played were many,
as grandmother, mother, and wife,
But I know my wish can’t come true,
you will never again stand beside me.
The only way I can see you now
is in pictures, memories, and dreams.”
Oct 22, 2018
Oct 22, 2018 at 3:19 AM UTC
It’s Not Fair.
The way you’re making me feel.
How can you be upset with me for breaking
your heart?
How can you try and make me feel guilty for it?
“We will never be a couple. You assured me of that time and time again. You don’t want me. You assured me of that too.”
How can you try and make me feel guilty for that?
You are the one who pursued a married woman.
What good would have come out of that?
Did you expect me to cheat on my husband?
Did you expect me to leave him?
How can you be upset that I said, “I don’t regret the way things went because I got my son out of it.”??
Why would you ever think that I would wish away my son’s existence just so I could have had a life with “The One That Got Away”?
That is where the expression comes from.
You were the one that got away.
Oct 2, 2018
Oct 2, 2018 at 1:52 AM UTC
Silence.
I sit alone in silence.
Darkness.
Alone in the darkness, I sit in silence.
Inside my heart, there is pain.
Inside my head, I am screaming.
Questions.
To myself, I have questions.
Attention.
Do I have everybody’s attention?
Exit.
Here, I make life’s exit.
Pause.
I pause with the ounce of hope that I still matter to someone.
Will I ever be good enough or will the monster in my soul always win?
Sep 2, 2018
Sep 2, 2018 at 1:50 AM UTC
“The dad I always wanted is about to leave me. How is that fair?”
Words written by Bart Millard
Words that hit me like a ton of bricks.
That’s how I felt with my mom.
In the few years before her death, she became the mom I always wanted and then just like that, she was gone. Just when I felt like I was getting closer to her, the moments were ripped away from me. It wasn’t fair at all.
But it did give me and Dad a chance to finally get to know each other and have a better relationship. He apparently didn’t want that. He was in a hurry to “fall in love” with someone else so that he didn’t have to get close to me. When the first woman sadly passed away, he didn’t even try then either. Dad has NEVER shown interest in me. He just pretends to around other people. He fools them all.
Sep 1, 2018
Sep 1, 2018 at 9:35 PM UTC
A journal entry from January 19, 2010:
“...I said no and that it hurts too much. He didn’t care. He put all of his weight onto me and forced himself into me. I began to yell in pain, but He shoved my face into a pillow. I wanted to scream, cry—ANYTHING! I couldn’t breathe.”
After that, I’d take cold showers and cry myself to sleep. I couldn’t help but feel like this was my fault. Was I some kind of target? Did I deserve it like he told me I did? I needed answers.
Aug 27, 2018
Aug 27, 2018 at 9:58 PM UTC
What do you think Heaven looks like?
Do you think we each have our own form of Heaven?
I had a dream once about my mother’s Heaven.
She called me from there, via FaceTime.
Funny, right?
We all know that’s not even remotely possible, but I think I wanted to talk to my mom so bad that my mind made it seem like it was actually possible.
It was about a week after she passed away.
It seemed so real, as I can remember it so vividly.
In my dream...
I remember how my phone showed “Mom Calling...”
I couldn’t believe it but I answer it anyways.
There I see my mom’s face.
Gosh, was it so good to see her face again!
I had missed her so much already.
She began to cry so naturally, I started crying along with her.
I asked her, “Why are you crying, Mom?”
She told me, “I wasn’t ready to die, Sarah. There was still a lot of life to experience. I don’t get to watch Aiden grow up, or see you get married. I don’t get to experience any of that!”
I could hear it in her voice that she was becoming angry.
Then a voice called out, “Mom, are you really here?”
I realized it was my older brother Michael calling for our mom.
Michael had passed away when he was just a little baby.
This was their reunion after a long 26 years of being apart.
I could see it on my mom’s face that she was happy to see him.
She returned to our FaceTime chat and noticed I was crying.
She said, “Oh, Sarah. I am so sorry that I’m not there with you anymore but I promise you. I will always be watching over you. You’re strong, and I know you’ll be okay until you are called Home to Heaven.”
I sniffled and replied, “Yeah? How do you know I’m going to be okay?”
She smiled and replied, “Because you’re my daughter.”
After some more crying, she says to me, “I have to go now. Michael and Grandma are waiting for me. But before I go, I want you to see my Heaven so you know I’m at peace now. That I’m happy.”
She flips the camera around so I can see what is surrounding her.
In all of its wonders, there it was.
My mother’s Heaven.
What looked like a garden full of Morning Glories—my mom’s favorite flower.
And Hummingbirds— what she always loved watching as they fed from the feeder she put out for them off the back porch.
It was so beautiful, and so bright.
The beauty in itself brought tears of joy to my eyes.
But then, my heart broke just a little more.
Those words pierced my heart like a knife all over again.
“I have to go now, Sarah. I love you. Bye.”
The call was ended.
See, I knew that wasn’t really goodbye.
It was simply, “See you later.”
Because I know one day, I will see her again.
The day the Lord calls me Home...
To my Heaven.
Aug 24, 2018
Aug 24, 2018 at 1:39 AM UTC