I long so despitely for my independence!
I long for the day I no longer have to ask for favors, financial support, EVERYTHING!
Nothing kills my soul more then having to depend on someone else.
Having to ask for permission from someone else.
Having to wait for someone else.
When will this process end??
The process of getting on your feet and manifesting into the person you see in your dreams.
I JUST WANT TO BE THE WOMEN I SEE IN MY DREAMS!
WHEN WILL SHE BE?
Jan 29, 2019
Jan 29, 2019 at 4:47 PM UTC
To my next one i apoligize for all the pain i may cause,
For your heart i may destroy,
For your feelings i may hurt and may not even adore.
U just gotta kno theres this pain deep inside, one i cant endure.
So when i hurt you im sorry, i know ive apoligized before.
But this pain you must endure so i can be sure that ur not like the rest, like i said im sorry...i am.
Apr 5, 2015
Apr 5, 2015 at 9:15 PM UTC
Ive been so used to the storms,
To the rain, and thunder, the hail and sorrow, it is all to familar to me.
Ive been so used to the storms,
That when its sunny out, its queer to me.
I am so used to the storms,
That ive allowed most happy moments slip away from me.
My intuition screams that a storm coming, but i dont think i can survive it this time.
Jan 14, 2015
Jan 14, 2015 at 7:04 AM UTC
The love i have for him is so unspeakable,
Its so special,
So heartfelt,
So warm...but **** loving him is killing me.
When im with him everything is so right, perfect and in place,
But as soon as we part everything shatters.
My mind has this habit of thinking anytime he is not with me he is with someone else.
After all he did cheat right.
How can i train my mind to think how it used to.
To not think that every other moment he is entertaing someone else.
I didnt know his mistakes from the past would affect me so much.
I didnt know it could hurt this bad.
This feeling of uncertainty aches like no other.
Im in love with someone who has bad habits, and it scares me but i cant let go.
I thought love meant hanging in there until things get better.
I thought it was two imperfect people who even though had flaws saw the best in each other.
Thats why i hold on because i see the better side of him...
But how long can i keep holding on...im scared.
I cant deal with anymore heartbreak.
Ive felt enough
Oct 20, 2014
Oct 20, 2014 at 6:24 AM UTC
My mind is starting to drift again,
To memeories unwanted,
To feelings of uncertainty.
My mind is starting to drift again,
To this place of torment,
Somewhere i thought a few days apart would somewhat heal.
But here i am dwelling in this uncertainty, this unknowing sense.
I thought a few days apart would heal me.
But my mind is starting to drift again,
And i realize this is something that cant be healed in a few days.
This **** is something much deeper.
I miss my free mind.
I miss my happy thoughts.
I miss the feeling of security.
I miss the old me.
I just want to be free again!
But how can i be free with something i cant let go.
I JUST CANT ******* LET GO!!
Sep 20, 2014
Sep 20, 2014 at 8:34 PM UTC
Dear First Love,
With all my heart, i can truly say i love you. U will never know how much you mean to me. You have made me smile, and you have made me cry, but through it all my love never died. I never knew i would fall so hard, but i will say i dont regret it at all. Ive grown to love everything about you. From your curly hair, to ur freckles, to the tip of your toes. You've impacted my life in so many ways. I dont know if you know how much i appreciate you. Thanks for all the times i needed you, and you were actually there. Thanks for pushing me to go get my permit, giving me the hope that a job would finally come my way and being there when i needed to vent on some tough times i was going through. I couldnt ask for anything more. I hope i did my job in being there for you when you needed me. I tried my best in being perfect just for you. First love, just know together or not i will always love you, and every moment your thinking of me, im thinking of you too. Our realationship has been tough. Really tough i might add. But its brought me so much happiness in spite of all the crazy drama. Theres memories weve made that i will never forget (smiling while writing). My favorite memory was the first time i really started to like you. Sitting in the car holding hands just listening to music. You creeped your little self into my heart that day. Ever since ive never been able to go a day without thinking of you. Remember when we used to go ice skating, or when we raced at mcdonalds, or when we used to write poetry about each other all the time. Lol. I swear we communicated better through poetry then words back then. I always understood you more though your poems. Another memory i can never forget was December 25th. Great day. First the present with all the wrapping paper then the movies. Then you asked me to be your girlfiend. I was so shocked i couldnt believe it. I swear that was the happiest day for me.I remember my exact feeling. I remember thinking to myself woow, hes really mines now, all ive ever wanted, the guy ive always wanted to be with, i loved you then and there, just couldnt say the words. We hadnt gotten to that stage yet. But there came a day i knew with every inch of my body that i was in love with you. I couldnt help it. You were just perfect to me even through your wrong doing. I fell in love with the Eric that loved to hug and hold me, the one that knew i was what he wanted so faught for me, the guy that tried to make things better right after he messed up. That was my first love. The Eric that tried. Im just waiting for him to come back. I miss him so much. I havent seen him for a while but i know hes still there. I hope one day, when your ready for love the right way, that i will still be there. Ill be waiting for now. Ive always had hope in us. We still have more memories to create, prom, dances, ocean city, maybe paris lol. I cant wait and i hope that we one day comeback to enjoy those days together. But for now. I must let you go, because my heart is hurting and i dont know how much more i can take. Ill always be there for you first love, i promise, i just hope one day youll be ready for me and my love. I love you so much Eric Martin! Your my heart.
Sincerly Mariah
P.S. forever my little freckleface
Aug 25, 2014
Aug 25, 2014 at 12:31 AM UTC
Sometimes i stare in the mirror,
looking back at myself wondering how i got here,
how i could have changed so much.
I dont see myself as i was before.
Before when i gazed at my reflection i saw someone strong, someone smart, someone ready for love, a healed itellegent woman.
But in this moment as i look in my reflection i see tired eyes, weighed down by waiting tears.
I see someone hurt, someone intellegent yet naive.
I see sorrow and pain, guilt, and insecurity.
I was once happy, lonely and not in love, but somewhat happy, happy and ready for the future.
Now im here, stuck in the present, ashamed of my recent past, and doutbful of the future.
Now a days im not so cheerful, im not so happy, and im not so optimistic.
Its crazy what love can do to you, and its crazy what someone you love can turn you into.
My soul is sufficated by doubtful love.
My mind and my heart ache from lies and broken promises.
I thought being in love meant changing you for the better, not breaking you down for the worst.
I thought love was different.
All i can say now is . . .
look what its done to me.
Aug 21, 2014
Aug 21, 2014 at 2:51 PM UTC
So sick of everybodys ****
Everyone has their own issues and no ones complacent.
Everyones steady complaining.
Everyones steady misleading.
Everyones doing their own dirt and cheating.
Just waitin for someone to take me from this disaster, help me heal, and no longer let my heart shatter.
Im sick of this ****
To much to deal with,
Sometimes i wanna just take these pills and float off to bliss.
Aug 21, 2014
Aug 21, 2014 at 12:23 PM UTC
Its nights like this when i remember why i wanted to leave,
I was bein lied to walked over and decieved.
I fight back tears, wondering why i still stay, mad at myself for allowing you to make me this way.
Trust being my main struggle, heart broke, brain confused, thoughts jumbled.
Prayin that this pain will end and my heart finally mended.
My happiness is steady pending...
Aug 20, 2014
Aug 20, 2014 at 10:52 PM UTC
As i think about things in my head, i feel tears well up.
But then i think to myself "im so tired of crying over him"
So i **** them in and grow numb.
Jul 15, 2014
Jul 15, 2014 at 8:55 PM UTC