I am a floating log
I go where the waves take me
I still when they still
And I rise and fall with them
I sink under water when the waves become turbulent
I am turbulent with them
I am hurtled left, right and under
I am drenched and drowned
I am calm when the water has mercy
I am nothing
I want nothing
I am but a piece of wood from a shipwreck
I am not human
I cannot be human
For humans feel, and I cannot feel after this shipwreck
I can’t let the waves wreck me from the inside out
I’ll let them wreck me from the outside in
Either way, there is no control
I am a log, i am a log, i am a log
I do not feel pain
I cannot be human
But I am wrecked all over anyways
Scratched and peeling
And I am alone in the wreckage
That turned me inside out and hurtled me left, right and under
And I cannot go back to a time, of smooth sails and calm waters.
Feb 29, 2020
Feb 29, 2020 at 5:40 AM UTC
I had the sunshine
The calm, the serenity
Of loose waves caressing the ocean shore
Of sweet sunshine bathing the world in golden joy
Of perfect winds, keeping the temperatures just right
I had it all
But now i find myself morphing back into what I used to be
The sunshine gives way to dark starry nights
The stars shine and glisten, always just out of reach
The waves are turbulent on the shore, crashing, thrashing, threatening those that come near
The winds are both silent and deadly in their hostile unpredictability
Oh sweet serenity, where have you gone?
I was glad when I found you
Now I’m all alone
The turbulence is back, it creeps in at the dead of night
When darkness takes more than just the morning light
Dear calm collected control
I’m holding onto you with the tips of my fingernails
Holding onto you with careful lies I tell myself, to keep going
I tell myself you’ll come back soon
That its just the effects of the day or the moon
But I feel it stirring now
The baseless anxiety
The unquestionable sadness that lingers in the back of my mind, at no thoughts in particular
The lack of thoughts and the sheer volume of them stuns me into paralysis
I am motionless as I attempt to move
I am confused
As I think ten steps ahead, while moving 3 steps back, I wonder, what have I done wrong?
I wonder, why has the sunshine gone
Apr 5, 2019
Apr 5, 2019 at 6:04 AM UTC
I take the calories for the calm
The more I take, the more time I have till the anxiety comes back
I see the world through an out of focused lens
Just barely making out enough of the edges to navigate
The nerves and veins in my brain are constantly half full, half empty
How do I get through?
Every push forward is short-lived
I take one step forward
And then push myself 10 steps back in an instant
The calories can’t numb the pain
Can’t push away the parasite of exhaustion gnawing at me in every moment
I’m sinking, sinking
Into oblivion, into the dark hole that welcomes the likes of me
The self doubt crawls out to the surface slowly
“You know you can’t get rid of me” it purrs, “you know you’ll never be enough”
It’s claws caress the insides of my brain
“You can never escape me” it hisses
It laughs, and sinks it’s claws in me further, deeper and deeper
It drags me down further
The monster in the dark
I’m on edge again, gasping for air again, utterly resigned to my fate, again
“I will never escape you” I whisper
Eyes wide in terror, I succumb to the horror of myself
Sink my nails into my flesh, perhaps I’ll wake up from this nightmare
Perhaps, perhaps, oh God please let this be a nightmare!
I plead till my nails draw blood, till my resignation turns into outright terror, till my terror turns into gasping screams
This is not a nightmare
This is life
And actions have consequences
What has passed cannot be undone
And I will never escape.
Jan 31, 2019
Jan 31, 2019 at 8:14 AM UTC
I’m starving
Starved for security
Starved for salvation
Starved for serenity
The loneliness is tearing me to bits and pieces
I choose to scatter towards
Those who feign interest in the bits of me I dare to share
Florence says we all have a hunger
I must agree, for tears spring to my eyes at the words of her song
I’m starving for validation
Validate me!
5 4 3 2 1
It’s late at night, it has begun
I search for the saddest songs in my library
As sadness and loneliness create a cocktail
That slowly creeps into my bloodstream
Pumps into my heart
Spreads back into my body, mind and soul
Then the tears at the corners of my eyes spill onto my cheeks
And I drift into a dreamless sleep
Jan 14, 2019
Jan 14, 2019 at 3:46 PM UTC
I’m screaming ******
****** ******
But no one’s listening
They pass by my pool of blood
And call it painted water
Why can’t they see?
Or are they purposely blind to me?
Where has my blood gone?
I see it pouring out knife wounds I can no longer see
Vision fading
Vision faulty
I’m screaming ****** I’m screaming atrocity!
I’m screaming “please don’t hurt me!”
I scream and I scream
But my screams are just whispers
To their ears
Why did they ****** me?
I’ve done nothing worthy
I am not worthy of their hate
Perhaps when I’m gone
I’ll come back as an angel
Perhaps when I’m an angel
They won’t want to hurt me
Perhaps if I’m an angel
I won’t feel like an outcast
Perhaps I’ll be better when I’m gone...
Oct 14, 2018
Oct 14, 2018 at 2:34 PM UTC
Oh moment of silence
Wash all over me
Block away the noise
Wash away my agony
I have been used and abused
By humanity
I have been hurt and misunderstood
By those I believed cared for me
Those I gave myself to
Oh moment of silence
Please
Won’t you wash away the pain?
I have loved and lost
And then tried to love the world
But lost it too
If I gave you my heart
My body, my soul
If I showed you my tears and my words
Would you try to understand?
Or use my life-force as fuel?
Would you ridicule, all I hold dear?
Would you ridicule, Me?
I surrender.
So I’ll just give myself to a world
I know will discard and disregard me, too.
Oct 13, 2018
Oct 13, 2018 at 2:56 PM UTC
Hello,
I am a rose,
I’ll ****** you with my beauty,
Then hurt you with my thorns.
Heed the warning,
I’ll only say it once,
Because once you reach for me,
We’ll begin our little dance.
Hello,
I am a rose,
I hurt you when you picked me up,
I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to!
I just really wanted to dance.
Why’d you leave me in the vase you picked?
Sitting in the same water you poured on our very first day,
You pass by me as I whither,
And won’t give me a second glance?
Because I hurt you when we danced?
But why blame me, when you didn’t listen!
When the tears in my eyes glistened
When I told you about my thorns…
Sep 20, 2018
Sep 20, 2018 at 2:50 PM UTC
...
"This isn't who you are."
"You're not the girl I used to know."
"I don't know who you've become."
He repeats these lines
So much these days
It annoys me more than
A broken record ever could
Ever should
Ever would
Cause I told him
I warned him thoroughly
"I'm not nice."
"You won't like the real me."
"I'm not worth fighting for."
But he didn't listen
He filled my head with empty
Promises that he meant
He filled my heart with hollow
Vows that he could never fulfill
"How can a person be so cold?"
"How can a lady be so cruel?"
"How can you change so fast?"
He looks hurt and
I hurt a little
But I shut down
Cause that's what I always do
"I'm nefarious, lover."
"Had my heart broken a few times."
"Now it's made of stone."
Jul 21, 2018
Jul 21, 2018 at 3:59 AM UTC
I lost You to find Myself
Just as I lost Myself
When I found You
Jul 11, 2018
Jul 11, 2018 at 12:22 PM UTC