the sun beams down from the sky,
her golden rays begging for attention
of course i look, how could i not?
the sun is too stunning to never look at her
to never wish to hold her
she carries the warmth of a thousand kisses
in her stare
but it burns to gaze upon her for too long
she knows just how to hurt me
just how to make it feel like love when she does
if her love doesn’t burn, is it even real?
does she even care?
would you not burn for her love,
her unwavering presence and unending warmth
she is what keeps me alive,
so how could i not love her?
how could anyone not love her?
Apr 11, 2021
Apr 11, 2021 at 3:39 PM UTC
I don’t want to be sad anymore.
I want to feel happy
For more than just a day, or a few hours at a time
I want to be happy
I don’t want existing to hurt anymore.
I want to wake up in the morning
And want to get out of bed, or at least want to exist in my bed
I don’t want to live anymore.
But I want to want to live
I want living to stop hurting so much that I want it to stop
Apr 11, 2021
Apr 11, 2021 at 3:17 PM UTC
I have long thought I would rather
Fall into an abyss than
Continue to live, work,
Force myself through every day
It is not easy to want to die,
But I will not, die that is,
**** myself, I guess, I
Will continue to push myself
Out of bed every morning,
Force myself into life
But it is not force,
It is how things are, how
They are meant to stay
Life is only wasted on those
Who choose not to live it
And I will not be wasteful
Will not crawl into the hole
My depression wishes
To keep me in,
I will not die, but not only that,
I will live
Apr 9, 2021
Apr 9, 2021 at 2:43 AM UTC
The princess glides across the dance floor
On the tips of her toes
Barely touching the ground,
She is not dancing, no, she is not so simple
The princess is flying, free, forgetting
That eventually, she will fall
Her legs will begin to shake
After hours of torture, her feet will swell
In the shoes two sizes too small
Her ankles will crack under the pressure
But she will keep dancing
The princess cannot let anyone see
The pain that she is in, after all,
Beauty is pain,
But pain is not beautiful
Apr 9, 2021
Apr 9, 2021 at 2:34 AM UTC
i remember
the first time i thought
taking medication was a bad thing
a thing
i would be better off not doing
i remember
wondering if it would make me a different person because
if it’s changing my brain, and i believe my brain is what makes me me, isn’t it changing me
i remember
taking it anyway, because it was supposed to help, and it did . . . sometimes
but it kind of made me worse,
the first one did anyway, but that’s another story
i remember
taking the second kind and knowing
that this was helping
it was making me feel better,
but then
i remember
my cousin telling me he didn’t need medication, that it wouldn’t help him
plus,
he was strong enough without it anyway
i remember thinking
“doesn’t that make me weak”
and i didn’t want to be weak
so i stopped taking
my medication
i remember
my cousin telling me i wasn’t weak either way
that i should take the meds if i needed them
but he also said “throwing meds at a problem isn’t always the solution”
so i remember
deciding it wasn’t the solution i wanted
i’d find a different one
i would be fine on my own
so now . . .
i remember
when I was taking medication
the lows weren’t quite so low
but
the highs weren’t quite so high either
Jul 10, 2020
Jul 10, 2020 at 6:29 AM UTC
i remember
my assistant speech coach
thinking my poetry performances on depression were just because it was a good topic
not thinking it could be because i’d felt that
i remember
performing in practice and her telling me
“you portrayed the sadness really well that time”
and i said,
“that’s because i’m sad right now”
i remember
her telling me it’s different
that i'm too happy to be that sad
“but you’re always smiling” she says
like that has anything to do with anything
i remember
being angry at her
for not knowing, not seeing i wasn’t really that happy
for telling me that i was
i remember saying
well that’s just the three Kickstart energy drinks
and the antidepressants i've taken today
and knowing she thought
i was joking
Jul 10, 2020
Jul 10, 2020 at 6:07 AM UTC
i remember
when i first went to the doctors for help
my dad took me
because my therapist had suggested I look into medication
i remember
the doctor telling me what
“the good thing about depression and anxiety is”
and i knew this man hadn’t dealt with them personally
i still remember that
because I thought it was funny that
he had the audacity to tell me
“there is something good about you always being so **** stressed and sad”
i remember
the doctor left, halfway through finding the right meds
he went to another town, another hospital, other people because why not
i remember
thinking i guess i’m not important enough
for even the doctor to stay and help
and i get that it’s not personal, but
it still feels a little bit personal
Jul 10, 2020
Jul 10, 2020 at 5:53 AM UTC
I am not beautiful
When I am sad
Because my depression
Is not the pretty
Made for tv kind
It’s the kind
That keeps me in bed
All day and night
Not able to get up
But also unable to sleep
The kind that means
I didn’t take a shower
Or bath all week
Because I couldn’t
Even put in that small amount of effort
It’s not the kind
That people want to see
To take artsy photos of
That could just be fixed
If only I could be happier
It’s the kind that means
I’ll be up all night again
And I’ll have bags under my eyes
And I won’t put on makeup
Because I just can’t do anything
And I can’t make myself study
Or do any work at all
Because my mind
Just can’t stop thinking
About everything and nothing
The kind that brings up
All of the memories
That I try to forget
And that try to **** me
Or maybe that’s just me
May 14, 2020
May 14, 2020 at 2:00 PM UTC
when my depression hits,
it is all i can do
to even get out of bed in the morning
i usually stay in bed
either all day or just long enough
to decide not to **** myself
i usually don’t shower
and i hate myself more for that
but at least i don’t drown myself
i only drown in tears
if it’s one of the days
when the tears even decide to visit
sometimes i’m too sad
for even the company of tears
let alone people
but i have to be normal
so i pretend to feel normal
because then no one comments
no one mentions the dark circles
under my eyes or the way
my smile doesn’t seem to reach them
and once in a while
when my depression almost swallows me whole
i think i’ll ask for help
but i don’t ever ask
i never say anything because
then it’s real
May 4, 2020
May 4, 2020 at 1:38 AM UTC
My stomach aches
Probably from all that ice cream
and my eyes burn
Probably from all the tears
and my heart hurts
Probably from missing you
May 4, 2020
May 4, 2020 at 1:25 AM UTC