It began 8 years ago,
But I believed I couldn’t
Since I was told I was too
Young or I didn’t
Understand what it truly
Meant
I found solace in a
different way-
A dangerous way that
only provided
The temporary feeling of
Something other then just -
nothing.
I battled myself daily, wanting
Nothing more then to vanish into
another life
Easily, another life could’ve been better.
I wouldn’t lay there
staring at the ceiling
or
physically causing harm
just to feel something -
As I grew older
The less I dreamt of a new life
and allowed the dreams of making
mine better
And as time went on
Things did seem to get better.
I cleansed my space of the
physical and negative attractions
That I’ve accepted as a lifestyle.
I started accepting
new people into my life
Even though I knew they’d
drift away in time.
Then I became an adult,
And this is the hardest
thing I’ve ever had to do.
I’ve been floating through the days
In a haze and I need a *******
Change.
I understand now more
Then ever and
On a much more
personal level.
But, it’s been 8 years-
Four years since it’s ended
And an hour since I’ve had
An old thought
Of allowing myself to
Repeat history.
But as I think of it,
I have been
Just in a different way.
Feb 22, 2022
Feb 22, 2022 at 4:20 AM UTC
Oh dear Lucifer,
There's a perfect ******* soul
For you to take.
Apr 4, 2017
Apr 4, 2017 at 11:33 PM UTC
Right when she betters herself
she falls sickening with the blade of a razor clenched in her hands
Holding onto that piece of metal
As if her life depended on it.
Oct 10, 2015
Oct 10, 2015 at 1:54 AM UTC
When I look into the mirror
I see a girl-
A girl who hides behind her skin
I see a girl-
A girl with a look in her eyes
A look of regret
A look of sorrow
A look of a painful experience
I see what you've made me to be
I am a victim of yours
I am the girl they talk about
I am your victim
I am the girl you damaged
I am your victim
You're ******* victim
-
When I look into the mirror
I see nobody
I feel nobody
I hear nobody
When I look into the mirror
I see the fear blazing into my eyes
I feel the masculine of your hands beaming down on me
I hear your muffled groans and audible grunts
I am what you've made me to be
-----
I had a life
I planned a future
I wanted love
I wanted a husband
I wanted children
-
I wanted so **** much but-
I want you,
I want you dead
Buried six feet plus in the **** soiled ground
I want you gone
Banished to hell!
----
When I look into the mirror
I see the outcome of my most horrid nightmare
I feel the bile rising in my throat because you never fail to make me sick-
I fear you
I hate you
I ******* HATE YOU
But you're the only one I can think about.
---
I was raised
I was loved
I loved too
But you took that from me
You took so much from me
Confidence, you took from me
Bluntness, you took from me
Pride, you took from me
I believed in myself
I had faith in myself
But you took that from me
-----
I see you, Often enough
On the streets, selling dope
Riding around, lookin for ******
In my dreams, ****** me again!
You destroyed me, you took my womanhood away
You did this to me!
-
LOOK AT ME!
-
I can't walk outside alone because of you
I avoid alleys because of you
I hide behind tinted sunglasses hoping and praying I don't run into you
--
You changed my life in more ways than you can imagine
I am not the same person I used to be
I am not the same person I was last year
I am not the same person who completed high school
I'm not same person who politely introduced myself to you
I am not the same person my parents knew me as
I- I-... I am nobody
--
All because you took myself from me.
Aug 11, 2015
Aug 11, 2015 at 7:28 PM UTC
I can hear the dryness of the tobacco burn
Thousands of chemicals burning for my desire
I can feel the burn of the nicotine gushing into my lungs.
Thousands of chemicals leaving traces throughout my organs
I can smell the bitterness of the smoke exhaling into the air.
Thousands of chemicals surrounding me
I can sense the damage being done to my body
Thousands of chemicals killing me
I can see the dangerous chemicals of the smoke filling the air
Thousands of chemicals polluting the space
I can feel the cravings executing my need.
Thousands of chemicals made to fix me
-------
I can hear the pulse in my head
Throbbing in the frontal lobe of my brain
I can feel the blood fighting the nicotine
Steadily rushing at an unsteady pace throughout my veins
I can smell the evidence on my skin
Reminding me of the chemical I am letting ruin my body
I can sense my rapid heart beat
Pumping my blood faster and faster until the foreign invader leaves
I can see the regret surfacing the space I currently am occupying
Making this one my last
I can feel the effect of my decision invading my body
My chemically invaded body
Aug 8, 2015
Aug 8, 2015 at 4:25 PM UTC
And your pain?
Unbearable
Your thoughts?
Uncontrollable
What about your actions?
Unthinkable
And your expressions?
On paper, On a canvas
Are you an artist?
If you want to call it that
How about depression?
Minimal
Close relationships?
A few
The closest may be?
No one in particular
Do you speak of your troubles with them?
They wouldn't understand
What is your addiction?
Temporary Pleasure
But-
With pain, of course
What is it exactly, your addiction?
A razor blade
Jul 12, 2015
Jul 12, 2015 at 6:51 PM UTC
It doesn't seem to settle on
Others one has a problem
Until they get their head out of
Their *** and look at a person
For who they are in the moment
-
That's the upside to an addict,
They don't have to answer to anyone.
But when they do,
It's not the truth.
Jul 12, 2015
Jul 12, 2015 at 6:21 PM UTC
Silence lurks through me
Faint thoughts cross my mind
I've been fighting sleep-
Possession takes over me,
Leading me to the desk
Rummaging through the drawers
I find what I'm told to-
Sitting in darkness
Fighting my demons
Calling those of greatness
But none answers-
At the swipe of a blade
I'm walking on clouds
Once again.
relapse
Jul 10, 2015
Jul 10, 2015 at 1:42 AM UTC
Just stop
go away
Stop asking
Don't look back
Keep going forward
As far away from me as possible
LEAVE
*As far away as you can ******* get*
May 1, 2015
May 1, 2015 at 9:50 PM UTC