truth is that my soul is troubled; has been since a child; my head resides within the clouds- my feet on muddy ground; it's always been that way-just packaged different while a sprout;
my soul wandering within this body like a fish within a bowl; the "bowl" considered "home"-with conditions by the load; upkeep- became a toll-with this illusion of control-
"health" became the least of my concern- despite the years my mind would ache, as well as burn; came to tell myself that headaches leave for good, when it's "my turn";
often i am numb- like trauma to my head; i feel enough to acknowledge- i'm not "alive" yet quite not "dead"; like a "vegetable" with legs-or a fish, better yet-"deep fried" with "scrambled eggs"
an unwanted game of chess, monopoly, and more; random ***** that reached the egg- and got drafted into "war";
information overload- while one's yearning for the "door" that leads to something so much better-to something so much more; yet all the outside noises-too overbearing to ignore....
comfort here- packaged-sold separately from self- like products are in stores on the floor- on the shelf.... sleep's the closest thing to "source"- but like a shuttle out in space-VR headset simulations- can't escape from off the coarse....
then back awake inside a place that enforces cheese and chase- that only ends when the body, gives way-and can't hold up anymore
May 13
May 13, 2026 at 4:58 AM UTC
those lingering thoughts, and questions....just everything that makes the mind wonder.... sometimes i wish i could make it stop like an alarm clock set for another scheduled place to report to somewhere one doesn't want to be....
like common themes in waking moments and in dream- is there something or someone after or monitoring me? does social engineering run deeper than i'm willing to believe?
or is there something i'd only understand once i've "left this reality"- something beyond subconscious residue-beyond what my mind could grasp?
some have proposed the idea that it's a sort of energy harvesting thing- possibly; either way- what ever any of this may truly mean- i haven't asked for nor want any of this....
Apr 29
Apr 29, 2026 at 3:46 PM UTC
once upon a time, someone is born; taught there's no rose without its thorns; choices without one's consent were made; didn't choose the cradle-and inevitable is the grave; didn't have a say in how the roads would be paved;
conditioning all around; schools, and the concept of "grades"; church, and how you're expected to behave; you're "somebody" as long as you don't go astray;
"no pain no gain"-"takes lemons to make lemonade"; didn't chose your height-didn't choose your weight; didn't choose your family-didn't choose your country, city, state;
didn't choose your flesh suit-didn't choose beliefs; didn't choose your demeanor, your personality, or expectations to meet;
didn't choose nature and how cruel and usual or unsual it could be; there's no refund, and what really good are receipts?
you're "somebody" until you're considered "nobody" while you still breathe; there's no "exit" of your choosing-where grace is guaranteed; though you could change your name, smoke cigarettes, consume alcohol, take drugs from your local pharmacy....
it's illegal to seek out a fair, consenting, nontraumatic way to leave; the system demands all of your energy; the system doesn't care how one feels or one's internal grief;
it doesn't matter if you have or want nothing, or if you're a full blown celebrity; nowadays a "star" is the thing more than ever-a person is inspired to be....
there's no where to retreat.... your livelihood revolves around burnout and need to make money....
a wise man once said, "life is suffering, and death is mercy...." i didn't choose to be "some-body"; i didn't choose to have the "ability" to "dream" while i'm asleep; i didn't choose the language that i speak;
if i were "wealthy"- i'd engage in habits that would lead to early decease; but i do not crave money like the parasites in my body craves sugar; if anything i crave natural human interaction-physically-and in other cases intimately- some marijuana, food, satisfactions that one craves instinctively....
but you have to be "some-body", and order to have a chance for that way to be.... nothing here feels real.... and it has been gotten to me....
Apr 26
Apr 26, 2026 at 7:57 AM UTC
everyday more or less, deep pain rests inside my chest; there are thoughts imagined-though not explored; existence is insatiable appetites that can't be cured;
always coming back-wanting more; seconds, thirds, and fourths; and there are wounds that gauze won't heal; my corpse just feels like-pain on wheels;
like aches that briefly go away- returned as if they're here to stay; this vessel wanting things that might as well be millions miles away; split in two-a double life in theory in so many ways....
a part of me that wants to go.... a part of me that wants to stay.... "living" for another day; a part of me that wants to isolate.... a part of me that wants rare affection from a "familiar" yet "unfamiliar" space....
i want to "feel"- i want to "numb"; i can not deal- i live to "run"; i've torn the scripts-i understand just how they've felt-the one's who've "jumped the ship" themselves;
no doctor, therapist, medicine- could aid what's natural-to "cure" what's raw; to need.... to want....but if even had- pit has no bottom- that's what is sad....
i want to leave and not turn back- untraced- a "ghost"- on no one's slab; people like to say,"you think you've got it bad...." the "volume" of my "life" is dim to mid-mid to dim; it feels like cruel and unusual punishment to exist where ever "here" is....
i "dream" of leaving this torture- it's like my soul's in pain- and i've been seeking what this "earthly realm" can not give....but wants to keep me captive in a monetary cage; a welcome that i've overstayed....
im locked inside.... and i want out.... i have to find another way....
Apr 19
Apr 19, 2026 at 4:14 AM UTC
if this is the one and only life we live; if there is someone out there who exists-if we could have been a decent blend-but there is nothing more than what ifs because this life thing-we know is rigged; and there will always be "natural disruptions" and narratives;
in this realm-i simply exist; a contract i'd like to cancel before it ends; pain brought me to writing-bittersweet "creative" expressions-but it doesn't counteract the pain-it's just medical bandages on wounds that don't heal and are eventually reopened;
a bottomless pit of wants and needs-that's what we all generally have in common as a species; the societal landscape just isn't for everyone-i know it isn't for me....i find it difficult to believe that I'd ever have an actual life worth living- in a flesh, blood, and bone body and environment that threatens existence altogether....
Apr 8
Apr 8, 2026 at 1:33 AM UTC
it's real; comfort.... a subscription that i can not afford; loneliness..a disease for sure; there's figurative invisble holes in my head and in my chest that can't be ignored;
but they tell us.... therapy.... medicate.... continue to endure.... some say get a "job" while your at it.... forget the fact that the suffering will indeed increase-til a likely early decease;
they say, teach yourself not to wear your heart on your sleeve; no matter how i wear or contain my heart....the **** still feels and bleeds; my mind is so out of the "game".... burnout....
now adays i'm just trying to breathe deep as if my lungs have been traumatized like a "survivor " from a place on fire; sleeping my days away....from what i see-living costs an arm and a leg.... i'm on "life support" wanting to be unplugged from this machine....
i wish they'd just let me die "gracefully"....instead of so much wasted time.... what a ******* nightmare....i'm ******* empty....rules are rules....
some rules were made to be broken..when it comes to being forced to hold on to nothing....the doctors, close circles....hands are tied....and they all refuse to see.... that thing called suicide feels like an inevitability....
*** am i here? *** am i doing? why block the exit, instead of safely aiding me towards that direction?...shutting it all down....but instead existing feeling empty as **** is the only alternative for ppl like me....
Apr 5
Apr 5, 2026 at 1:56 AM UTC
my "spirit animal" feels like a turtle.... expected to go through leaps and bounds, and jump through hurdles; a shield i carry with me, though no sword-nor do i want one....
I've made it this far, because of the close people in my life.... homebody never looking forward to continuing to step outside and engage within this thing called "society"....
thinking about how much of a loop this is.... thinking about how much the juice is liken to retrieving through a desert cactus;
and speaking of desert.... this feels to me more than ever like the movie "they live" or a "video game"(that i want to shut off)you know?-like that whole "player one" syndrome where it's too difficult or not meant for me to "win"-like "winning" is a grand illusion; i've been running on empty....
and now it's like i'm just drifting the rest of the way.... still forcing myself at minimum capacity to participate.... but at my core i no longer want to "play".... i forever want to "escape"....
Mar 30
Mar 30, 2026 at 7:42 AM UTC
Eddie Dugan, Sal, and Tango.... I believe most people in this life could more or less relate to all of them in one way or another;
i've been feeling alot like Eddie Dugan lately more than ever.... waking up first thing in the morning minus the drink on the night stand nor gun in the drawer- though both would be nice as "get away" options- in a world you've got to endure....
Sal.... i relate to in a "spiritual" sense- questioning the very entity that created all of this.... embracing certain things considered to be "sins"-i'm just not committing crimes for the sake of survival and for a dream life....
Tango.... i think about "identity" and what it means to "fit in".... and man has that been.. a neverending whirlwind.... having a bond with, who in any other life than his reality would be his true friend Casanova aka Wesley snipes character(in his case); forming attachments to different people for different reasons(in my case)....
Eddie.... the lust, the venting about how terrible this world is(deleted scenes) to his *** partner....he ultimately wants to do the right thing when it comes down to it.... the world crumbling all around him.... the need to get away.... and.... suicide subconsciously plaguing his mind....
i can more or less in one way or another, relate to all of them....
Mar 30
Mar 30, 2026 at 7:07 AM UTC
i think about the so called journey for me this has been; through "dreams" and through every waking moment in "reality" through my lens;
i'd really like to know what really created all of this; one day i was brought into this realm, and i've been subconsciously feeling like a "nomad"(figuratively) in a sense;
though i was "fortunate" to be brought up in a two parent "middle class" somewhat "healthy"(but at times not) household and with 3 siblings; didn't realize there were "programs" in this realm and with levels to all of them(society);
I've been like that "deer in headlights" throughout my life.... i've developed this sort of "inner guardian" that "protected" and understood me to a degree in a way that no one else did....
i guess that's most people more or less in this unusual experience called life with its cycles of insanity to no end.... just woke up from an uncomfortable dream attacking my psyche, once again....
if there's a war i'm being forced to fight in a "spiritual sense"- flight has been my response because i never asked for none of this....
what is this place? why am i here? .... why do i and it even exist? why am i navigating through societal institutions-i now can see through? it nor i with no solutions- and straight into this raw state of an "apocalypse"?
Mar 30
Mar 30, 2026 at 5:54 AM UTC
i've met eyes that have met mine and i believe saw enough of my soul to recognize that i didn't choose this so called limited draining life; though that light in our eyes is supposed to mean our "soul" is keeping the "body" "alive"
the body gradually fading like candle wax with "time"; i yearn for a "paradise" on the other side-unlike this life that couldn't provide-soul captured in a jar like a fire fly; i also see that when i look into another's eyes
if ever there were a thing such as "soul mates" or "soulties"-the body and its functions, programmed mind, and its needs to survive got in our way in this life....
my mind has been often occupied with the thought of what's next.... yearning an indefinite unconditional "love"(that overwhelming bliss feeling)nde survivors speak of....
Mar 21
Mar 21, 2026 at 11:25 PM UTC