The emotions
I couldn’t learn how to feel
My head and face, my hands began to peel
An inner world reflected, the damage too real
Stimming, the name to excuse it
If I keep this up
I might lose it
This is how I dealt with things in the first place
Funny how its all in my head
When there’s scars on my face
May 31, 2021
May 31, 2021 at 1:52 PM UTC
The curls are cut and gone
The past falls away
Swept up with a broom
Pent up in my room
Slowly changing
Long hair
And short sleeves
To sweatshirts
Rearranging
A beanie to cover up
The dread I feel
Looking in the mirror
I hope to see change
But I don't know what of
This is my dysphoria
Jan 12, 2021
Jan 12, 2021 at 5:07 PM UTC
I guess I wish
It was something I didn’t miss
But I do
But I don’t
But I do
Certain thoughts
Make my memory sing
When we were a thing
Dec 24, 2020
Dec 24, 2020 at 3:21 AM UTC
Count to seven
Why seven?
1.
Oh cause it's an odd number
Well I'm already odd
That's why I ******* got here
In the first place
2. Are you an idiot?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Yes...
I want to change
But who can prove
I won't change back
3.
I can't think anything
Besides the thing I hate
It's hard to to focus on the hurt it's causing
When I feel so lost without it
4.
I never wanted this for myself
Worrying every moment
About every calorie
If any at all
So desperate that the John becomes my friend
My guilt disappears with a flush
But the guilt of dying
And slowly leaving the ones you love
Stays fresh
5.
It's not getting better
6.
I can't do it by myself
7.
I have to get help
Oct 29, 2019
Oct 29, 2019 at 10:45 AM UTC
Realizing how deep the cut is
Knowing it can't be fixed over night
Crying all day
Putting up a fight
A fight that can't be won
A fight against my self
Put me in a box
And place me on a shelf
Away from the world
That was so cruel to me
Let me out when it's safe
When I can be free
From what I never wanted
From putting up a fight
Because during war
Nothing ends right
Hearts get broken...
Friends get killed...
Health goes down...
You pop the pills...
But nothing
Not even one thing gets better
Until you learn to live
With your ills
One day
The black and white
Will turn to gray
And you will accept
Nothing has disappeared
Nobody has left
You've passed the test
Oct 3, 2019
Oct 3, 2019 at 3:57 PM UTC
Strap me down
Tell me no
When I struggle
Punish me
Tickle my sides
Use your fingernails
Make me scream
And beg for mercy
Reward me
When I'm good
But make me ask nicely
Make me blush
Make me pout
Make me cry
Blindfold me
So I don't know what's coming
Gag me
So I can't say a word
Have your fun
You're in charge
I'm yours for the night
Sep 25, 2019
Sep 25, 2019 at 10:42 AM UTC
Shh
Shush
Shut up
Shut up!
Stop it!
Will you just
Listen
Why does everybody talk and nobody listen?
I know! I know...
You have the right
But it seems the only progress is made by the people who
Talk and talk and talk and talk
They rake in the votes and the likes
but they never once thought if it was just...
or right
"You're a socialist!" "Gays are ruining this country!" "You want to be class president, not with that fat *** -
DO YOU HEAR YOURSELVES
What is supposed to bring us together is tearing us apart
Differences need to be celebrated, not feared
When is the last time you complemented someone's hair?...
Or smiled at them in the hallway?...
But no
It's only about what you think, what you feel, what you want, what you say
What... you... say...
That's all you'll care about
Until you start to listen
Mar 21, 2019
Mar 21, 2019 at 1:29 PM UTC
You come back every so often
And try to catch me in your trap
But I have firmly stuck my walls in place
So **** it, and don't come back
Your calm voice ignores my order
You say we need each other, you refuse to leave me be
But last time you declared I needed you the most
Oh the irony
To be or not to be
That's the question right?
Well I'm going to "be" and you're going to leave
Get out of my sight
Mar 9, 2018
Mar 9, 2018 at 8:42 AM UTC
What am I?
Well…
I can tell you what I’m not.
I’m not popular
I’m not funny
Nobody likes me
I’m not cool
I’m clumsy
I’m huge…
I’m fat
Not skinny
I drown myself in food
It tastes so good
When people’s words taste so bad
What else can I do?
It’s my only comfort
It’s my only friend
I shovel
Shovel
Shovel
The tasty sugary, salty, buttery goodness into my mouth
It’s my safe place
Until
My delicious heaven turns into a guilty hell
I realize my error
The food is the cause
It adds on to my suffering
People are starting to notice
So what do I do?
I eliminate it completely
I ignore my needs
I deny my suffering
Why?
Because someone actually called me beautiful
So I keep going
Trips to the doctor grow in size
They have my cure
It will surely be my downfall
I’ll return to where I was before
I ignore their words
Why?
To keep my crisp jawline
My flat stomach
My skinny legs
My stick arms
Because this is beautiful
I keep going
I walk miles on end
My crackling lips are thirsty
However my mind is thirstier
To get that beach body
But I can’t do that
If I don’t put anything in
You can see my bones
My hair is brittle
I can’t breathe
I’m absent from school
I’m dying…
But I can’t see it
I don't want to see it
This... is beautiful
I’m glowing
But I can no longer look in the mirror
I’m still not good enough
I have to be perfect
I keep going
Until I can't anymore
I can't get out of bed
I can only carry one binder in my backpack
I have to stop
I need to stop
But it's impossible on my own
I get help
And here I am
Telling my story
People love me
People care
Those who don't, don't matter
I have style
I’m talented
I'm beautiful on my own
Without my poison
Jan 10, 2018
Jan 10, 2018 at 10:48 AM UTC
I'm a woman
Not a joke
Not a treat
Not a barbie
I'm not something you can own
You can't throw me around
I work hard
I love
I breath
I'm a living soul
If someone says "Why don't you join the ladies in the kitchen?"
I grow with...
Rage
Saddness
Defeat
Because I'm a human being...
Not a servant
So watch out sexists
On either side
Because no gender is above the other
Not smarter
Not stronger
Not worth more
So why can't we all get along!?
Well... The world sticks to its beliefs
We can't make someone change their mind unless they want to
But I'll be here to stand up for what's right
I'm a woman
And I'm coming at you fast
Dec 17, 2017
Dec 17, 2017 at 4:38 PM UTC