I try to choose kindness
I try to take deep
breaths
and let my anger wash out
But, my there are wasps in
my brain
there is a buzzing
hot
hot
heat
settled where my neck and head
meet
I swim laps in the pool
I walk the road and back
I hope that maybe I will
make it back
kinder
I walk foot trails with
my son
the leaves casting dappled light on his gold-spun hair
I feel my chest break at the sight
He is so kind but he is mine
will he feel this buzzing
will it lead him to break every day
I try to quiet my voice so
he doesn't learn
to yell
but I never learned quiet.
I am teaching myself. I am learning
He is patient with me
that is not his job
I see the sun on his hair
He jumps on my back in the pool
he giggles and wails
love incarnate
I think I will remember these times most
I will feel nostalgia bathed in dappled gold
when my bones are brittle and old
when I have finally learned
to quiet the buzzing
but will it be too late
will his giggles cease
will his small hands turn into fists
will he become me
I am teaching myself. I am learning.
I hope he is learning too
I hope he is seeing me try, seeing me take deep breaths
seeing me scramble for kindness
kindness!
I thrash against these angry chains and I hope he knows
but
I watched my father thrash his whole life
It is how I knew to try
I still carry his anger in me like
like wasps in my brain
I choose kindness
I take deep breathes
I swim laps and walk trails
I hope that kindness will
chose me back
Aug 21, 2023
Aug 21, 2023 at 12:56 PM UTC
My chest is so heavy
My eyes are blurry with strain
My back is breaking with expectations
And I can't bear all this pain
I'm treading in a lake of pressure
And I dont think anyone knows
That I'm struggling for every breath
Barely keeping water out of my nose
Aug 9, 2018
Aug 9, 2018 at 7:07 PM UTC
It's not a bad dream
It's not heartbreak
But I crawl to you
All the same
2 years old
Or 18 more
It's automatic
I'm at your door
Sleepy eyes
Blink up at me
Worry and question
"What do you need?"
I just pull back the covers
Climb in beside you
You never minded
No matter my mood
Sep 21, 2017
Sep 21, 2017 at 10:29 PM UTC
Cigarettes taste like fireworks
And my throat is raw
From nights well spent
And I'm exhausted
But I'm living
And I'm broke
But I'm living
And what is life
If all I do is wait to die
And I'm living
But so unhappy
And nothing soothes me
I'm stuck and
Wandering
Wondering
Love is so gone and
I am here waiting
And spending my nights well
But ultimately
Still
Waiting
Because what is life
If not just waiting to die.
The alcohol is so metallic
And I can still remember too much
Of each blurry night
And I'm ******
But I'm living
And I'm drunk
But I'm living
And I'm a *****
But god **** it I'm living
I'm just waiting
Waiting to die
And I'm stuck
And I'm wandering
Wondering
Apr 23, 2017
Apr 23, 2017 at 5:13 AM UTC
Cages
And my ears itch
Cages
And my eyes twitch
Dirt
On a solid floor
Blood
On an iron door
I can't think about it
I cant leave
I try to be content
But I am restless and afraid
And your hugs they feel like cages
And I my mouth anticipates
And my lips are always dry
And my mouth swells in size
Because touching burns like acid
Kissing tastes like it too
And I can't help but try
And escape from this life with you
And I see
Cages
Around my life
I feel
Dirt
Between our skin when we touch
And my
Blood
Tries to leave my body
Because your affection becomes too much
And I don't know
When I became scared
I don't know when
I lost that flame
But I feel
Cages
Dirt
And blood
Apr 1, 2017
Apr 1, 2017 at 3:03 AM UTC
I think about it
I think about it
I think about it
Sitting here with you
I think about it
I feel shame
I think about it
I feel hate
I think about it
*** has changed
I think about it
Sitting here
With a smoke in my hand
A coffee on my lips
And I think about it
I think about it
Red light
Worst night
Too drunk
and I think about it
Not my house
Not my friends
Making out
God I think about it
Studying
Writing
I think about it
Red light
Worst night
I think about it
Feb 16, 2017
Feb 16, 2017 at 2:09 PM UTC
No gps connection
And I'm lost
With no one to call
Feb 10, 2017
Feb 10, 2017 at 8:23 PM UTC
The man with a Jesus bumper sticker
Smokes to meet him sooner
I smoke too
Can't say much
But there's no light in my tunnel
Feb 10, 2017
Feb 10, 2017 at 8:22 PM UTC
Maybe im a waste
A loss of space
A blight on the universe
That built me
And my wonder
So much ambition
But no goals
Lost
To imaginary live
Where no one
Can stop me
Because
Thats all anyone does
Jan 1, 2017
Jan 1, 2017 at 11:14 AM UTC
Everyone is hung up
Over some sad love
Lucky for me
Mines you
Everyone loves
Someone who loves
Somebody
Brand new
Mar 15, 2016
Mar 15, 2016 at 10:07 AM UTC