I sit looking at the evidence
The evidence of your rejection
The rejection that I feel strongly
That you repeatedly inject in me
While pretending everything's normal
I told you you'd hurt me
You didn't see how you could
But now it's indeed happening
Much to your obliviousness
And you don't seem to care
Because to you, effort is a myth
I told you there'd be a change
I see it clearly, I feel it strongly
Now that my eyes have been opened
And my heart deeply cracked open
By the strong feelings you said you held
With you there's no consistency
It's a sharp fluctuation
From the scalding heat
To the freezing cold
From the strongest of holds
To the scariness of the free falls
From the deep focused attention
To the profound callousness
You ignite the mixture of emotions
That gives rise to the confusion
Cutting deeper each day
Making the toxicity come alive
With no way to get back to health
Because the torch has already been lit
Nov 20, 2023
Nov 20, 2023 at 3:26 PM UTC
I saw you last night
You weren't really there
But I saw you there
You've refused to leave my mind
Choosing to stay
Without knowing you are
Because of you
My good memory is my best enemy
It dredges up everything
In minute detail
Bringing the excruciating truth
Of the always brewing feelings
The need to feel is strong
My blessing now becomes a curse
As with every memory I feel
Reliving the details to a tee
Breeding more wanting
Regardless of my wisdom
I gave you the lead
Deferred to your self control
But in the presence of the danger
You run towards it
You keep poking the bear
As you enjoy the thrill of it all
Because all that matters is the moment
And for you
Leaving the moment
Leaves the moment behind
And on to busy things you go
Leaving the memories behind
Living your best life
Oblivious of the chaos you leave behind
Sep 7, 2023
Sep 7, 2023 at 8:46 AM UTC
I can't stop thinking about you
I know you said it's not wise
But the heart does not know wisdom
And the body wants what it wants
I know these are dangerous desires
But the illicit is way more attractive
And the thrilling feelings unmatched
I know the push and pull is strong
But I have faith in your conviction
And I believe in your self control
So go ahead and take the lead
Because I believe in your skills
And I know if I lead
We'll go where it isn't wise to be
And lose everything in the process
Apr 5, 2023
Apr 5, 2023 at 1:58 AM UTC
I miss the days I was alone
Because then I could cry
And I wouldn't be afraid to be judged
I could stay silent as long as I wanted
And wouldn't have to account for it
Then I could freely feel everything
Without having to hide the feelings
Then I didn't have to have myself together
All I needed was to be myself
Then I was allowed to be broken
Without having to explain what's broken
Then I could break down
And it would be okay without witnesses
Because I knew I would get back up
I knew I needed to feel so I could deal
But how can I do it now?
How can you be you when you can't break?
When your state of mind is on public display?
How can you explain the unexplainable?
Why do you have to?
I need to be alone again
Feb 27, 2023
Feb 27, 2023 at 1:04 PM UTC
The more I get to know you
The more I lose interest
I am surprised that I like that
Because I didn't expect any of this
I thought I'd be yoked
To the feeling that is you
But I'm loving the gradual release
The slowly letting go of you
I'm looking forward to freedom
The 'No longer' feeling
The lack of impulsive response
The lack of the longing
The absence of the 'lighting up'
The travel back home
That is the place I was before you
Feb 13, 2023
Feb 13, 2023 at 12:15 AM UTC
I know I complained about you
I know I wanted you here
But I'm happy you said No
I'm happy you're no longer here
I'm enjoying the independence
Of making decisions alone
I'm loving your absence
Looking back at it now
At who your really are
Remembering your personality
That which I was blinded to
I thought you were protective
But you were really controlling
I thought you were loving
But you were really selfish
I thought you cared
But it was only about you
Surprising how you can see clearly
When you take off the rosy glasses
How you can reason rationally
When you get that reality check
How you can be responsible
When you learn that you're alone
Sep 4, 2022
Sep 4, 2022 at 8:58 AM UTC
There used to be a time
When all I wanted was you
When the idea of a future
Was only possible with you
When you were all that I ever dreamed of
When I could see all I'd need in you
Now that I look back
I was overeager and inexperienced
All I saw in you was an illusion
I only saw what I wanted you to be
Sadly, that's no longer wanted here
Now that I've seen what you became
I'm glad I never got the chance to decide
I'm happy you chose another
I'm happy that I never had a chance
Because I'd have made the wrong choice
Aug 6, 2022
Aug 6, 2022 at 2:23 PM UTC
Sometimes you have to face your fears
Tell them that you are no longer afraid
Make hard decisions and be okay
With the possibility of failure
Because even if you fail
You can and you will
Rise again.
Feb 19, 2022
Feb 19, 2022 at 4:23 AM UTC
I said something to you about you
I said what I thought about you
I did, think the worst about you
I went to the extreme end
I wanted to be proven wrong
I wanted to know that you're not that
But you did the exact opposite
You proved me right
And broke my heart in the process
Jan 7, 2022
Jan 7, 2022 at 3:38 PM UTC
Stop asking if I'm fine
You know very well I'm not
You know precisely why I'm not fine
You know because you are the reason
You know I'm hurting and in pain
It makes you happy to know this
It makes you validated
On the effect you have on me
Stop telling me to have a lovely day
You know very well I won't
You are well aware of my mental state
You are aware of how my day will go
You know because you caused it
You know I'll think, be sad, be angry and cry
You are well schooled on who I am
You know my reaction to things like this
You know everything.
The pretence is not welcome.
Stop. Asking. Hoping. Wishing.
You want to absolve your guilt
To seem caring and concerned
I know you. You aren't any of these.
You are just guilty.
Not remorseful. Just guilty.
Nov 15, 2021
Nov 15, 2021 at 10:53 AM UTC