I wish I could be who you remember me as.
I'm not sure that person exists anymore.
They were lost in the fog that my life has become.
Going through every day as a barely functional automaton.
I know I was not always this way.
Somehow I became separated from the person you remember.
Flashes of joy now serve only to remind me of what I no longer am.
I can pretend to be that person sometimes.
I can act like them enough to allay suspicions when needed.
You are not really fooled though.
I can tell because you try to help.
I know that you care.
That is why I still face the pain.
Every time that I fail to be who you remember I feel them getting further away.
I shout into the void hoping to find them.
Hoping to find myself.
The fog makes me unable to even see who I am now.
How should this person I am now act?
I know that person you remember made you happy.
Do you even want to know this person?
I am not sure that I do.
I miss that person who you remember.
I ache to make you happy again.
I am cut deeply every time I make you cry.
I am a broken automaton.
May 8, 2019
May 8, 2019 at 1:17 PM UTC
She is bound
Captivated by the way she feels
Entranced by the way he moves her soul
Held fast by her need and hunger
Enthralled by the way he touches her
Chained by a bond stronger than steel
Locked in a cage of love and passion
She is bound
Jun 21, 2018
Jun 21, 2018 at 10:49 AM UTC
She looks up at me with her heart in her eyes
Her entire body reverberating with her hunger
Her hand trembles as she touches my leg
Her lips part in a gasp as she touches the object of her need
Her eyes glazed with lust as she leans forward
Now her entire frame trembles with her ache
She starts to move in an unspoken request
She gets a fevered light in her eyes as I make her wait
She whimpers and looks back into my eyes
She nods at the unspoken question
She looks at me with her heart in her eyes
She submits
Jun 21, 2018
Jun 21, 2018 at 10:45 AM UTC
I lay gasping for breath
I lay racked within the wake of passion spent
I breathe in her intoxicating scent
I breathe in the aroma of our love
I feel the flame of lust burned into my skin
I feel the sweet caress of her loving touch
I taste our shared breath
I taste our shared passion
I hear the beating of her heart
I hear the world begin to stop shaking
I gaze into that last instant of joined souls
I gaze into her beautiful eyes
I lay gasping for breath
Jun 21, 2018
Jun 21, 2018 at 10:39 AM UTC
Lightning flashes through the heavenly body
The storm rages through everything like a flash fire consuming all in it's path
It seems all the world must be caught up in the tempest that drowns out thought and sounds
Light playing across the darkness as the world tightens to a single point
Like a tornado it swirls and whirls among this storm of sensation and power
Almost like a cacophony it pushes every other thought aside
But such a force is the ultimate harmony
The darkness clears
A clarion call banishes the storm except for the tornado's tip
Eyes wide she looks up at him and hears the voice
The command that releases the storm's energy
*** for me
Jun 19, 2018
Jun 19, 2018 at 6:39 PM UTC
Deep inside my heart there sleeps a being that I have come to hate.
Through the back alleys of my mind it creeps; constantly feeding a hunger it cannot sate.
Hopes and dreams, longings and fantasies, these are what it has come to take.
When it has had enough of these, no longer this smile can I fake.
Anger, pain, suffering and strife churning up in the wake of it's passing.
These feelings I've suppressed all my life.
All those disappointments suddenly amassing; but hope springs eternal some would say.
Even though my memories hold more dark that light, making my mind rest on a foundation of clay.
That torturous being I still fight.
Grudgingly do I give ground.
Knowing that though I may lose I cannot back down.
Hoping that what was once lost may yet still be found.
Doubts and fears surging up until I feel I must drown.
Silently do I find myself praying.
Knowing that all my defenses must be lowered.
Though sanity be stretched beyond the point of fraying.
My inner demon's eyes still seem to glower, burning into my heart with unholy intensity.
And through my haze of pain and anger my eyes catch a glimmer of light.
Suddenly the demon loses some of it's ferocious tenacity.
The answer seems clear.
What was once thought lost can only be found through love.
Jun 12, 2018
Jun 12, 2018 at 11:38 AM UTC
What is worth as much as life?
More precious than gold
More fragile than porcelain
Stronger than steel
Yet as breakable as glass
Brighter than the sun
Yet as easily snuffed out as a candle
Costing more than diamonds ever could
Yet sold as cheaply as ****** beer
Who can put a measure of life's worth?
Jun 12, 2018
Jun 12, 2018 at 11:15 AM UTC
I get it. Life ***** No, really it does. But... (Come on we all like to see the but(t)s)
It ***** for us ALL.
We have a near constant threat of war/harm no matter where you live.
We have world leaders that don't seem to listen to their full populace but serve their own agenda and the agenda of those who helped keep them in power.
We have inequality of *** gender, religion, etc etc
Basically if there's a way to make someone see someone else as the dreaded "other" there's strife and discord.
We have humanity waking up to the fact that our own minds have evolved the very same traits that make us feel crazy. Things like ADHD were originally a survival trait for our early ancestors but now drive us mad as we try to learn and pay attention to those we care about. (Yes, I know that was simplistic but it illustrates my point about mental stuff which is NOT the point of this writing so don't argue that with me here please)
We could talk about ways to fix that.
Seriously I love discussions on how to advance humanity in just about ANY regard. Mental health, social growth and development, world politics, etc.
But here... (Yes, I'm finally getting to the point)
Here... I want to talk about personal responsibility.
We have a LOT of **** we can't control. Life is a random chance and fateful hodgepodge of events.
You could be sitting on your couch and be struck by a meteor and killed. You could walk out your door and see someone that changes your world just out walking their dog.
Chance and fate both have a hand on the wheel no matter what you believe. Call them what you will but it is true.
The ONLY thing you CAN control EVERY time is YOUR actions.
Mental health and outside factors and a million other things may limit your actions and options.
BUT!!
YOU ARE STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS.
YES, this includes the words you speak.
YES, this includes the behaviors you do without conscious thought.
YES, this includes each and every action you do small and large.
And you know what... That royally ***** sometimes.
It is so much easier to blame the "other", blame this or that factor. Even the action of NOT taking an action IS an action of which you have responsibility for making.
We all do it. No, seriously... We do.
I do it a LOT lately because I have kids that constantly seem to know just when to do something to derail everything. But that is no excuse. I KNOW what they're like so I SHOULD be planning on them derailing my plans. That's just one tiny example.
I have mental and emotional problems myself. I have partners and friends who do also. I have been hit by random chance and by fate.
Bottom line is that my life is a result of MY choices. Each and every action that I do MAY be in response to actions and factors outside of myself. But I am still responsible for them all. My partners and friends know (at least I hope they do) that I do my best to support and care for them. It may come as natural as breathing to hug them when they're not feeling well or to get upset when it feels like I'm being hurt.
The responsibility for those actions still fall on me. Maybe they don't want hugged because they're overwhelmed and over touched. Maybe they don't know that I've been trying to do something and they didn't recognize my efforts adequately in my opinion for whatever reason.
This is not meaning that they and any "others" are removed of the responsibility for how their actions effect me.
This is not meaning that you should spend all your time thinking and not acting because of fear of the consequences of your actions.
This is not meaning that because someone has what they feel is a valid excuse for their actions that you aren't allowed to be hurt by their actions.
This is NOT meant for reinforcing anyone's (even mine) feelings of everything being their fault.
This IS for reminding myself that while I may not see it all the time... My actions DO have consequences. We're always told things like "this small act of kindness changed the world because it __insert famous story here___". I need reminded of THAT.
One of my favorite fictional characters said it best:
*
“I’m not trying to win. I’m not doing this because I want to beat someone, because I hate someone, or because I want to blame someone. It’s not because it’s fun. God knows it’s not because it’s easy. It’s not even because it works because it hardly ever does. I do what I do because it’s right! Because it’s decent! And above all, it’s kind! It’s just that… Just kind." ... "Hey, you know, maybe there’s no point to any of this at all. But it’s the best I can do. So I’m going to do it. And I’m going to stand here doing it until it kills me." ... "Who I am is where I stand. Where I stand is where I fall.” — The Doctor
*
I probably can't change the world. I probably can't make a difference that will get me in the history people remember.
But I CAN take control my actions and always strive to be better than I was the day before. I can be kind. I can be a good partner and friend. I can be a good father. I can be a good role model. I CAN make a difference to someone every day. Even if it is nothing more than letting someone cut in in traffic and not honk at them in frustration. Even if it is making a kid smile and calm down to help their parent out in a store. Even if it is helping someone with a couple extra bucks when they're short. Even if it not something that will be remembered 5 minutes after it happened. That doesn't matter. What matters is me controlling my actions. What matters is me reflecting kindness to the world. I may only be one person out of billions.
But maybe it just takes one person, one act, one example to start making a difference for someone else. May be just a pipedream. May be just a fantasy. May be just a way to battle feeling insignificant in this great big world.
But hey... Life ***** I have low days. Sometimes I need a reminder of why I keep trying and putting in the effort even when I struggle. I may not be able to do more than take a tiny nearly insignificant step forward each day... But by thunder that's still moving forward.
Jun 12, 2018
Jun 12, 2018 at 11:12 AM UTC
Surrounded by my past I try to see
Visions of deceit overwhelm me
In my mind's eye I search for the truth
Hauntings of beauty seek to fool me
How I long to break free
I try to cling to the truth
Elusive and ethereal though it is
Desperately do I fight to hold on
But the rending of my heart drowns me
Suffocating in hearts blood
Wishing I could take it all back
But I am held by a chain maid of time
Gasping I try to breathe in hope
Even harder to obtain than truth
Still though I struggle to retake my life
My own memories played false
I question the very foundation of my soul
Wondering how I came to this
Clarity comes from a long denied truth
Terror fills me as I come face to face with the eyes of the specter
It gazing back into my horror filled eyes
I see the man I once knew as myself
Jun 12, 2018
Jun 12, 2018 at 10:47 AM UTC
Do you know how hard I struggle?
Every day is hard.
Every day is a battle for us all.
I understand that everyone struggles.
I understand that many have it worse than I.
Their pain, their struggles, their battles...
they do not negate or lessen my own.
I don't need sympathy.
I don't need pity.
I do my best to give everyone empathy and understanding.
But I still struggle.
I want to be better than I am now.
I struggle to be better everyday.
I fail.
I fail often and spectacularly.
I have thought of suicide in the past.
I have considered running away and hiding from everyone and everything.
I can't.
Something inside me keeps struggling.
Something makes me face the world each day.
There are days when I can't.
Days when I retreat.
Days when I DO hide.
But I always keep going.
Even on those days I make it through another day, another hour, another minute.
I suffer.
I hurt.
I retreat.
I hide.
I do NOT stop.
I survive the pain and struggle.
You can't see it.
I can't see your struggle.
I hope you win your struggle.
I hope you know I'm cheering for you everyday.
I may not know you.
I still cheer.
I may not like you.
I still cheer.
Because everyday is a new chance.
Because every hour is a new opportunity.
Because every minute is a new moment.
I love.
I hurt.
I feel.
I grow.
You may not see it.
You may not cheer me.
You may never know the battle I face.
You will never know the struggle just to face the mirror and look into my own eyes.
I hope you cheer.
I hope you seek to understand another's struggle even if it isn't mine.
Even if you don't I still cheer for you.
Do you know how hard I struggle?
Jun 11, 2018
Jun 11, 2018 at 7:52 AM UTC