Cass was the youngest and most beautiful of 5 sisters. Cass was the most beautiful girl
in town. 1/2 Indian with a supple and strange body, a snake-like and fiery body with eyes
to go with it. Cass was fluid moving fire. She was like a spirit stuck into a form that
would not hold her. Her hair was black and long and silken and whirled about as did her
body. Her spirit was either very high or very low. There was no in between for Cass. Some
said she was crazy. The dull ones said that. The dull ones would never understand Cass. To
the men she was simply a *** machine and they didn't care whether she was crazy or not.
And Cass danced and flirted, kissed the men, but except for an instance or two, when it
came time to make it with Cass, Cass had somehow slipped away, eluded the men.
Her sisters accused her of misusing her beauty, of not using her mind enough, but Cass
had mind and spirit; she painted, she danced, she sang, she made things of clay, and when
people were hurt either in the spirit or the flesh, Cass felt a deep grieving for them.
Her mind was simply different; her mind was simply not practical. Her sisters were jealous
of her because she attracted their men, and they were angry because they felt she didn't
make the best use of them. She had a habit of being kind to the uglier ones; the so-called
handsome men revolted her- "No guts," she said, "no zap. They are riding on
their perfect little earlobes and well- shaped nostrils...all surface and no
insides..." She had a temper that came close to insanity, she had a temper that some
call insanity. Her father had died of alcohol and her mother had run off leaving the
girls alone. The girls went to a relative who placed them in a convent. The convent had
been an unhappy place, more for Cass than the sisters. The girls were jealous of Cass and
Cass fought most of them. She had razor marks all along her left arm from defending
herself in two fights. There was also a permanent scar along the left cheek but the scar
rather than lessening her beauty only seemed to highlight it. I met her at the West End
Bar several nights after her release from the convent. Being youngest, she was the last of
the sisters to be released. She simply came in and sat next to me. I was probably the
ugliest man in town and this might have had something to do with it.
"Drink?" I asked.
"Sure, why not?"
I don't suppose there was anything unusual in our conversation that night, it was
simply in the feeling Cass gave. She had chosen me and it was as simple as that. No
pressure. She liked her drinks and had a great number of them. She didn't seem quite of
age but they served he anyhow. Perhaps she had forged i.d., I don't know. Anyhow, each
time she came back from the restroom and sat down next to me, I did feel some pride. She
was not only the most beautiful woman in town but also one of the most beautiful I had
ever seen. I placed my arm about her waist and kissed her once.
"Do you think I'm pretty?" she asked.
"Yes, of course, but there's something else... there's more than your
looks..."
"People are always accusing me of being pretty. Do you really think I'm
pretty?"
"Pretty isn't the word, it hardly does you fair."
Cass reached into her handbag. I thought she was reaching for her handkerchief. She
came out with a long hatpin. Before I could stop her she had run this long hatpin through
her nose, sideways, just above the nostrils. I felt disgust and horror. She looked at me
and laughed, "Now do you think me pretty? What do you think now, man?" I pulled
the hatpin out and held my handkerchief over the bleeding. Several people, including the
bartender, had seen the act. The bartender came down:
"Look," he said to Cass, "you act up again and you're out. We don't need
your dramatics here."
"Oh, **** you, man!" she said.
"Better keep her straight," the bartender said to me.
"She'll be all right," I said.
"It's my nose, I can do what I want with my nose."
"No," I said, "it hurts me."
"You mean it hurts you when I stick a pin in my nose?"
"Yes, it does, I mean it."
"All right, I won't do it again. Cheer up."
She kissed me, rather grinning through the kiss and holding the handkerchief to her
nose. We left for my place at closing time. I had some beer and we sat there talking. It
was then that I got the perception of her as a person full of kindness and caring. She
gave herself away without knowing it. At the same time she would leap back into areas of
wildness and incoherence. Schitzi. A beautiful and spiritual schitzi. Perhaps some man,
something, would ruin her forever. I hoped that it wouldn't be me. We went to bed and
after I turned out the lights Cass asked me,
"When do you want it? Now or in the morning?"
"In the morning," I said and turned my back.
In the morning I got up and made a couple of coffees, brought her one in bed. She
laughed.
"You're the first man who has turned it down at night."
"It's o.k.," I said, "we needn't do it at all."
"No, wait, I want to now. Let me freshen up a bit."
Cass went into the bathroom. She came out shortly, looking quite wonderful, her long
black hair glistening, her eyes and lips glistening, her glistening... She displayed her
body calmly, as a good thing. She got under the sheet.
"Come on, lover man."
I got in. She kissed with abandon but without haste. I let my hands run over her body,
through her hair. I mounted. It was hot, and tight. I began to stroke slowly, wanting to
make it last. Her eyes looked directly into mine.
"What's your name?" I asked.
"What the hell difference does it make?" she asked.
I laughed and went on ahead. Afterwards she dressed and I drove her back to the bar but
she was difficult to forget. I wasn't working and I slept until 2 p.m. then got up and
read the paper. I was in the bathtub when she came in with a large leaf- an elephant ear.
"I knew you'd be in the bathtub," she said, "so I brought you something
to cover that thing with, nature boy."
She threw the elephant leaf down on me in the bathtub.
"How did you know I'd be in the tub?"
"I knew."
Almost every day Cass arrived when I was in the tub. The times were different but she
seldom missed, and there was the elephant leaf. And then we'd make love. One or two nights
she phoned and I had to bail her out of jail for drunkenness and fighting.
"These sons of ******* she said, "just because they buy you a few
drinks they think they can get into your pants."
"Once you accept a drink you create your own trouble."
"I thought they were interested in me, not just my body."
"I'm interested in you and your body. I doubt, though, that most men can see
beyond your body."
I left town for 6 months, bummed around, came back. I had never forgotten Cass, but
we'd had some type of argument and I felt like moving anyhow, and when I got back i
figured she'd be gone, but I had been sitting in the West End Bar about 30 minutes when
she walked in and sat down next to me.
"Well, ******* I see you've come back."
I ordered her a drink. Then I looked at her. She had on a high- necked dress. I had
never seen her in one of those. And under each eye, driven in, were 2 pins with glass
heads. All you could see were the heads of the pins, but the pins were driven down into
her face.
"God **** you, still trying to destroy your beauty, eh?"
"No, it's the fad, you fool."
"You're crazy."
"I've missed you," she said.
"Is there anybody else?"
"No there isn't anybody else. Just you. But I'm hustling. It costs ten bucks. But
you get it free."
"Pull those pins out."
"No, it's the fad."
"It's making me very unhappy."
"Are you sure?"
"Hell yes, I'm sure."
Cass slowly pulled the pins out and put them back in her purse.
"Why do you haggle your beauty?" I asked. "Why don't you just live with
it?"
"Because people think it's all I have. Beauty is nothing, beauty won't stay. You
don't know how lucky you are to be ugly, because if people like you you know it's for
something else."
"O.k.," I said, "I'm lucky."
"I don't mean you're ugly. People just think you're ugly. You have a fascinating
face."
"Thanks."
We had another drink.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Nothing. I can't get on to anything. No interest."
"Me neither. If you were a woman you could hustle."
"I don't think I could ever make contact with that many strangers, it's
wearing."
"You're right, it's wearing, everything is wearing."
We left together. People still stared at Cass on the streets. She was a beautiful
woman, perhaps more beautiful than ever. We made it to my place and I opened a bottle of
wine and we talked. With Cass and I, it always came easy. She talked a while and I would
listen and then i would talk. Our conversation simply went along without strain. We seemed
to discover secrets together. When we discovered a good one Cass would laugh that laugh-
only the way she could. It was like joy out of fire. Through the talking we kissed and
moved closer together. We became quite heated and decided to go to bed. It was then that
Cass took off her high -necked dress and I saw it- the ugly jagged scar across her throat.
It was large and thick.
"God **** you, woman," I said from the bed, "god **** you, what have you
done?
"I tried it with a broken bottle one night. Don't you like me any more? Am I still
beautiful?"
I pulled her down on the bed and kissed her. She pushed away and laughed, "Some
men pay me ten and I undress and they don't want to do it. I keep the ten. It's very
funny."
"Yes," I said, "I can't stop laughing... Cass, ***** I love you...stop
destroying yourself; you're the most alive woman I've ever met."
We kissed again. Cass was crying without sound. I could feel the tears. The long black
hair lay beside me like a flag of death. We enjoined and made slow and somber and
wonderful love. In the morning Cass was up making breakfast. She seemed quite calm and
happy. She was singing. I stayed in bed and enjoyed her happiness. Finally she came over
and shook me,
"Up, ******* Throw some cold water on your face and pecker and come enjoy the
feast!"
I drove her to the beach that day. It was a weekday and not yet summer so things were
splendidly deserted. Beach bums in rags slept on the lawns above the sand. Others sat on
stone benches sharing a lone bottle. The gulls whirled about, mindless yet distracted. Old
ladies in their 70's and 80's sat on the benches and discussed selling real estate left
behind by husbands long ago killed by the pace and stupidity of survival. For it all,
there was peace in the air and we walked about and stretched on the lawns and didn't say
much. It simply felt good being together. I bought a couple of sandwiches, some chips and
drinks and we sat on the sand eating. Then I held Cass and we slept together about an
hour. It was somehow better than ********** There was flowing together without tension.
When we awakened we drove back to my place and I cooked a dinner. After dinner I suggested
to Cass that we shack together. She waited a long time, looking at me, then she slowly
said, "No." I drove her back to the bar, bought her a drink and walked out. I
found a job as a parker in a factory the next day and the rest of the week went to
working. I was too tired to get about much but that Friday night I did get to the West End
Bar. I sat and waited for Cass. Hours went by . After I was fairly drunk the bartender
said to me, "I'm sorry about your girlfriend."
"What is it?" I asked.
"I'm sorry, didn't you know?"
"No."
"Suicide. She was buried yesterday."
"Buried?" I asked. It seemed as though she would walk through the doorway at
any moment. How could she be gone?
"Her sisters buried her."
"A suicide? Mind telling me how?"
"She cut her throat."
"I see. Give me another drink."
I drank until closing time. Cass was the most beautiful of 5 sisters, the most
beautiful in town. I managed to drive to my place and I kept thinking, I should have
insisted she stay with me instead of accepting that "no." Everything about her
had indicated that she had cared. I simply had been too offhand about it, lazy, too
unconcerned. I deserved my death and hers. I was a dog. No, why blame the dogs? I got up
and found a bottle of wine and drank from it heavily. Cass the most beautiful girl in town
was dead at 20. Outside somebody honked their automobile horn. They were very loud and
persistent. I sat the bottle down and screamed out: "GOD **** YOU, YOU SON OF A *****
,SHUT UP!" The night kept coming and there was nothing I could do.
Feb 21, 2017
Feb 21, 2017 at 4:09 AM UTC
don't feel sorry for me.
I am a competent,
satisfied human being.
be sorry for the others
who
fidget
complain
who
constantly
rearrange their
lives
like
furniture.
juggling mates
and
attitudes
their
confusion is
constant
and it will
touch
whoever they
deal with.
beware of them:
one of their
key words is
"love."
and beware those who
only take
instructions from their
God
for they have
failed completely to live their own
lives.
don't feel sorry for me
because I am alone
for even
at the most terrible
moments
humor
is my
companion.
I am a dog walking
backwards
I am a broken
banjo
I am a telephone wire
strung up in
Toledo, Ohio
I am a man
eating a meal
this night
in the month of
September.
put your sympathy
aside.
they say
water held up
Christ:
to come
through
you better be
nearly as
lucky.
Feb 21, 2017
Feb 21, 2017 at 4:09 AM UTC
I push you deep into my damaged heart
Trusting that you won't hurt me from inside
But you created chaos with a mixture
of silence and harsh words
My heart skips a beat
Between anticipation and anxiety
My eyes close tightly, begging for tears
But I couldn't cry anymore
All I can do is absorb the pain
with no way of letting it go
Instead I let it fuel a fake smile
And let it inspire a lie that it's okay
Feb 21, 2017
Feb 21, 2017 at 3:54 AM UTC
Wouldn't it be great if we spent our nights
Laying next to each other staring
Fascinated by each other's eyes
Wouldn't it be great if we spent our time
Talking about our individual lives
Wishing we'd experience it together
Wouldn't it be great if we spent our money
Travelling where ever holding
Each other's hand
Wouldn't it be great if we slept together
In the comfort and warmth
Of each other's arms
Wouldn't it be great if I get to witness
Your radiant smile on a daily basis
Only to reflect it
Wouldn't it be great if our lips met before
You or I leave for the day and after
We say our goodnights
Wouldn't it be great if we walked the streets
Side by side, fulfilled and content
With each other's company
Sadly our lives are not as great.
As if the world tries to pull us apart
Trying to poisoning our love with distance
But our lives are good
I know that even if we don't get to do these
These are things I got to experience with you
And that makes the struggle and the waiting
Worth more than anything I've ever encountered
Worth more than the fantasies
I am thankful for these moments no matter how rare
Satisfied with the memories that we both share
And I look forward to making more with you no matter how few
I know that whatever I do, whatever I choose,
Whatever struggle and whatever joy
I want to live to my life to the fullest with you.
Feb 8, 2017
Feb 8, 2017 at 10:15 AM UTC
Tuwing akoy tumutingala sa mga kumikislap na bituin,
Di ko mapigilang maalala ang kislap ng yong mga mata
Puno ng misteryo't mga tanong na di kelangang sagutin
Tinutuwid ang isip na di mapakali
Kinakalma ang pusong may giit sa mundo
At pinapabagal ang oras na basta bastang pinapalipas;
tila bawat segundo ay may tamis na inaalay.
Nagpapalasing sa ligaya habang binubulag ang sarili sa katotohanang 'di na 'yon mauulit
Sa katotohanang ito'y ala ala lamang.
Nagbabago ang aking pagkatao sa harap ng iyong muka
Napapamahal sa lahat ng mga bagay at pangyayaring nagpagtagpo sa atin. Lumalamig ang simoy ng hangin, di mapigilang pumikit at mabuhay sa nakaraang pagkakataon.
Maaabot lang pala ang langit sa gitna ng dalawang impyerno.
Mahal, maari ba muling magtagal sa iyong piling? Kahit isang ulit lang maipadama mo muli ang langit sa mundo. Nakalimutan ko na kasi ang tamis ng kaligayang idinulot ng pagmahal na galing sayo.
Feb 8, 2017
Feb 8, 2017 at 10:11 AM UTC
Muted by the silence that I chose
Paralyzed by the fear of acting for myself
Trapped in a cage of my creation
I die in every way I try to live
Pain made me numb
Being numb renders my emotions absent
Like a dog patiently waiting for his owner that died
Like a child without a home
Like a cigarette lit but not smoked
Like a star who's light could never reach our eyes
I feel like all these things
Sad, lonely, pointless and invisible
Like I've always been.
Like I'll always be.
Oct 31, 2016
Oct 31, 2016 at 8:49 AM UTC
I could close my eyes
to see yours staring at mine
I could cover my ears
To hear your voice stating your lines
I could purse my lips
To feel your kiss once more
I could cross my arms
To have you between them like before
I could frown my face
To see your radiant smile
I could stay alone
To be with you once in a while
My memories of you
Keep me up at night
And I want to live in them
If it's quite alright
Oct 31, 2016
Oct 31, 2016 at 8:45 AM UTC
I found that we were similar about one particular thing: blaming ourselves for whatever happened between us. We had enough questions to keep our minds awake through these lonesome nights, enough guilt to keep ourselves silenced as if we've lost the right to our own voices, and enough pride to render our apologies useless like bullets meant to bring about change buried beneath the ground for safety. As if our apologies could harm anything other than our own ego that we mistakenly treasured instead of each other.
Or is it just me?
Am I tugging on a rope tied to a tree believing that the both of us create this tension but in truth is it just me? Did you simply let go? Do these words even reach you? Did my tears ever touch you? Does any of this even matter to you? You respond with silence from which I can draw indifference. You smile and I see right through it. I can't believe it. Never have I hated that smile until you faked it..just to pretend you're okay with this.
Or is it just me again?
Is that a legitimate smile? Are you genuinely happy now? Have you really gotten over everything? You say that you're okay with a smile like it's real. Maybe I just can't accept that that's how you feel. Because if I did, I'd have to face that pain. I'd have to close my eyes to hold the tears back, fake a smile, lie you one last time and say: I'm okay too.
I guess it IS just me.
Of all the months I've spent thinking about you, dreaming about the joyful moments we've spent and mourning our love's death. Of all the the futile attempts of reaching you being met with disappointments. I've come to a conclusion; I am no longer in love with you, I am simply hanging on to severely beautified memories that my mind has created in order to compensate for the chronic dullness of my heart and to save myself from the creeping loneliness that grows larger each day. To put it simply, I am in love with an idea.
It IS just me.
Jul 29, 2016
Jul 29, 2016 at 1:23 AM UTC
She is a flower that blooms
Way beyond my reach
And I've built ladders
Out of the broken pieces of me
Hoping I could reach high enough
Not to pick her but to simply admire
How beautiful she could make the world
By simply existing within my grasp
Jul 17, 2016
Jul 17, 2016 at 3:21 AM UTC
Between the raindrops
I loved a girl that belonged
To a sunny day
Jun 28, 2016
Jun 28, 2016 at 12:59 AM UTC