"God"
I begged
"Did I do your will?
Did I hurt him, did I hurt both of us needlessly?
What do I do?
Father, please help me.
I need to see what you see
Just a glimpse of what that may be
Of what I did, this choice which now defines me
I feel like I fell in an unending sea
Oh oh my father, it hurts what I did
I didn't make this choice to hurt him
I didn't want to hurt him
Never
Did I do what was right
Did I do your will
What you asked me to do"
Peace
Filling my trembling body
Peace
Calming my limbs
That long aching string between my head and heart loosens
My head, just now full of contradicting thoughts now sits quietly
Heart is soft too
Listening mildly
So when I answer the question my body is resolved
It hurts I said
That dull ache hits every time I think his name
I feel like he thinks I played a game
With his heart, but no, mine feels the same
Broken and lost, a little lame
I know it was right though the cracks are still there
The double thinking is almost too much to bear
We had uncovered who "we" were but he thinks I don't care when the truth is that I laid myself bare
When trouble came, to my knees I fell in prayer
I don't know why in the past it was right when now the answer is no
I just listen
God knows what is best
But it doesn't make it easy to follow
Head says yes, heart says no
Heart says yes, head says no
God said yes, now God says no
I listen to God, he knows where I'll go
He will make me strong so I will know
I will follow when he says so
May 25, 2021
May 25, 2021 at 10:28 PM UTC
My aunt asked how I felt
She asked after I broke up with him
I thought about it and sat there
Stumbling
Struggling to put my heavy thoughts into words
My head told me to do it
My head also spoke against the idea
My heart
The part of me which hurt the most
It said my choice was right
But screamed in pain
In the unbridled anguish of grief
Of loneliness
Of hurt
She asked if I still felt my choice was right
If I regretted it
Would I go back
Would I
If I could go back
Would I change this action
If I could go forward with him again
Would I...
Heart says yes
I hurt him
I could help
I could fix this
Fix what
Fix the temporary pain,
No,
Heart says no
This was right
This choice was right
It would not be good to go back now
Cause more pain, deter healing
What would it fix
Nothing
Head says yes
He was good to me
He loved me
I loved him
We were happy
Head says yes
Head says no
We had our differences
Our difference in religion
In region
I would have hurt him later
Our arrows didn't line up
I was fooling myself that they did
Blindly hoping to see change
Seeing change when none was there
With my head pulling my heart
Heart pulling my head
What was I to do but pray
May 25, 2021
May 25, 2021 at 10:22 PM UTC
I have felt pain that makes me ache
Dark pain that pulls me till I fall apart
A gnawing sensation which I can not take
Both slow and hard this pain pulls at my heart
This pain won't come "because" I think of thee
It comes from silence, something that's missing
This pain pulls at me, I wish that you could see
Your silence hurts me more than words reminding
It hurts to feel like you don't care at all
It hurts to know that I missed out on "we"
So now I start to stand up from this fall
Abandon all plans I hoped would make you see
So your choices I choose to except
For I trust you through the tears I've wept
May 24, 2021
May 24, 2021 at 12:40 PM UTC
During some relationships, it is one person's fault it doesn't work out
One person isn't willing to change
One changed their mind
One lost interest
One hurt the other.
In my case… I hurt him
I didn't want to
He didn't do anything wrong
I hadn't lost interest
But sometimes God has a different plan for you
When you take time to bring your relationship to God you need to listen
I have never felt this strong love for someone before
But that doesn't matter
God said no
Who knows why
Only God himself will tell me
In his own time
Was I keeping him back
Pushing him too much
Am I digressing because of this relationship
Whatever the case, God looked right at me and said
No
Who am I to disobey when I asked for instruction
May 24, 2021
May 24, 2021 at 12:34 PM UTC