You know what's weird about having suicidal thoughts as a kid, is that I don't really remember a "before". Since I was eight I've thought I was a waste of space and everyone's life would be better without me in it.
That's ten years and I can't think how life would be if I actually enjoyed being here. If the slightest stress or inconvenience didn't get me thinking of different ways to off myself.
Sometimes I think i won't feel this way if I could just get out of this house this state maybe if I left this all my suicidal thoughts would stay behind. And that's when I begin to feel trapped. In this room, in this house and I need air.
The walls are surrounding me, closing in and I need to escape. So I escape into music and self medication, but eventually the ***** and **** wears off and the music dies down and I am back between these four walls gasping for air.
Struggling to take a breath I reach out my hand hoping for someone to be there to grab my hand and pull me back from the brink but all I feel is empty space I need no reminders that I am alone.
On the edge I stand between the end and tomorrow occasionally a gust of wind comes causing my to teeter closer to the end, but sometimes I find a string unintentionally left behind that I use to pull myself up but always in-between.
I am never here nor there nor this nor that. But forever in-between
Sep 20, 2016
Sep 20, 2016 at 3:05 AM UTC
Shh, did you hear that?
That taunting voice,
it plagues me constantly
singing its cruel song.
Shh, listen I can hear it now....
Second place,
Runner up,
you'll never be good enough.
<stop>
Loser,
Whatever,
Just disappear forever.
<no>
You aren't liked,
You aren't loved,
Why don't you. Just. Give. Up.
<shut up>
You're nothing,
a no one,
and you're never going to be one
<leave me alone>
Poor little baby,
are you going to cry?
Why don't you go and die
<please just go>
Aww poor little baby
can you not take it anymore?
Ugh, that's why being with you is such a chore.
<please >
They don't really like you
can't you see?
They're all going to leave you eventually
<no you're wrong>
They're only being nice
that's what it is,
and you know soon it will end.
<just shut up>
You will never be first,
or second or third,
because you are a waste of space that calls itself a person.
<...>
A waste of space
no one can truly stand,
just an unwanted backup plan.
Unwanted, unloved
stupid waste of space.
It would be better for everyone if you disappeared without a trace.
<...>
You know it as well as I,
it would be better for everyone if you'd just die.
<no, no, no. shut up. shut UP. SHUT UP.>
<why do you torture me every night and every day?
why won't you leave me alone, no matter what i say?
i wish you'd leave me alone and let me be.
for all i wish for is to be free,
from you and your taunting,
you're torturing me.
all I want is for you to leave.>
I can't leave, and that is the truth,
because who I am is, well, I'm you.
Feb 19, 2015
Feb 19, 2015 at 4:12 PM UTC
I'll pretend
Once again
That I don't feel bad
I'll pretend that I don't feel anything at all
While I slowly strip my walls that are already empty and stranded
While I quickly rediscover how depressed my soul is and how hollow the hole in my heart is
I'll pretend
Once again
That I'm okay,
but on the inside I don't feel like being here at all
I just want to wallow and listen to music until I have to pretend again or figure out how to end my pain
So I'll pretend
That once again
That I don't feel sad
I'll pretend that nothing hurts me until I wallow again
May 11, 2014
May 11, 2014 at 10:32 PM UTC
You walk by
I wave hi
you blink and turn
and I'm left burned.
It's been a few weeks
yet we still do not speak
please don't keep me alone
you make me feel so cold.
May 8, 2014
May 8, 2014 at 11:22 PM UTC
She is soft to the touch,
skin smooth as silk.
She glides with grace
and beauty like a goddess.
Gifted to this world,
made by Aphrodite,
she is elegant.
Like Venus, she is beyond the reach of mortals,
a star illuminating
a darkened sky.
She is everything,
she owns the world.
She is the envy of Helen,
she is perfection.
May 8, 2014
May 8, 2014 at 11:03 PM UTC
Your smile made me forget myself.
took me away from reality,
to faraway lands
and beautiful places.
You gave me a new home,
in your arms;
I could have stayed there forever,
hold you tight and never let go.
And get lost
in your eyes
I could see the stars;
Surrounded by endless beauty—
infinite possibilities.
I drown in
Your voice
silences the outside world,
when you talk about the future
I begin to believe in Forever.
But everything ends sometime
once reality sets back in
the dreams begin to end
and we finally wake up
and fall apart,
until we break
and drift away.
Until we are alone,
just trying to forget.
May 8, 2014
May 8, 2014 at 10:56 PM UTC
Who are you?
Wayward lamb. Light seeker. Lost child.
Who are you?
Pain bearer. Guilt ridden. Heavy hearted.
Who are you?
Infinite labryninth. Enlonged paths. Endless journey.
Who are you?
Mysterious garden. Uncharted land. Hidden treasure.
Who are you?
Do you ask yourself this question often?
Who are you?
Do you need to?
Soul saviour. Heart protector. Mind easer.
Who are you?
Masked face. Familiar stranger. Mirror image.
Who are you?
Do you really know it yourself?
Who are you?
Who's behind the masks?
Locked chest. Closed doors. Sealed enteries.
Denied passage. Denied acceptance.
Cut off--Alone.
Who are you?
Feb 18, 2014
Feb 18, 2014 at 7:40 PM UTC