I just ran.
I didn’t fight,
I didn’t try to
Get him away from you
I didn’t pull him
By his shoulders and
Rip him from your
Near corpse, no.
I ran.
I just, ran into
The room with fear
In my hands
Making it difficult
To lock the door
And I never once considered
How the hell you would get in.
I never told him to stop
I never told him to go away
I never told mom
And I never had the confidence to say
What I needed to
To get him away from you
And help you breathe
Again.
I sat there on the floor
With my sister in my lap
With headphones in her ears
No chance of
Hearing the searing
Screams
Let out by your small
Body
I just let it happen
And with every breath
I took
I knew he was taking one
Away from you
Knocking the ability to properly
See, away from you
And I
Who was just scared
Sat there with no thought
Of trying to make it stop
God I’m sorry
If I had just pushed him away
If I had just gotten him off
If I had just let him see how it
Affected me and
Let it sink in that this
Is not how you treat children
Maybe I could’ve helped
Prevent it.
But I just ran
I didn’t fight
I didn’t try to
And it’s my biggest regret
That I didn’t help you.
May 7, 2019
May 7, 2019 at 10:34 AM UTC
is that
we find the most
extravagant things
lying down
wallowing in
simplicity
no thing is nothing
when everything
has something to be
given
like
big sweater wrist cuffs
scuffing the sidewalk
when placing a ceramic mug
on the small mountain range
that is the pavement
like
the smell of
delicate
drops of dew nectar
cascading down
tomato leaves in the
early morning
like
just off center
just blurry
Polaroid photographs
taken hastily
in the moment of creation
that are now
favored memories
what I love most
about my people
are all the
little things
Nov 21, 2018
Nov 21, 2018 at 12:25 AM UTC
brittlelittletinyfrail
seem like words you'd use
to describe something dying
or something delicate
something beautiful
brittle
like my bones
lacking the right
vitamin
because I won't let
anything in
past my lips
little
how I want to be
but for me
it isn't easy
constantly torn between
starve
and live
tiny
and grey
like the color of my face
when things get a little dizzy
after a day of standing
and going with nothing showing
in the x-ray of my stomach
frail
like my feelings
how I want to be seen
with secret strengths
hidden just behind my teeth
that no one will see
because, no
I will not eat
and more
I am breaking but I am made of glue
I am defiant but I listen to you
I am strong but I'm decaying inside
I am healthy but I'm surprised I'm alive
I am dying but I'm fine
WHY DO I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS CONSTANT THRUM OF SUICIDE RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD
never once does she say
'Kill yourself'
oh no
she sounds like a mouse
a whisper
the first flower through the snow
she coos
'Just one less meal'
she sings
'Just one more day'
she demands
'Just one less pound'
her voice is like glass
hammered into my jawbone
sometimes when I speak
it isn't actually me
and I know she's trying to hurt me
the closer I get to her
the uglier she becomes
but her voice is like champagne
bubbling to the surface of my mind
telling me
brittlelittletinyfrail
Nov 19, 2018
Nov 19, 2018 at 12:37 PM UTC
she listens to Him
as if His words can actually
define her
and He uses her
as if she is actually
His property
she lets Him
because she loves Him
and He lets her
diminish
He only needs her
when He is sad
or lonely
or tired
or *****
or hungry
she knows this
she can feel His
selective love
deep in the beds of her nails
as they run down his back
she knows He
only wants
her 'beautiful lips'
wrapped around his
'needing cock'
and she feels like
if she can give Him
even slight relief
her purpose will be
fulfilled
because that...
He told her that
He looks at her
and He knows she knows
He knows His grip
on her is being loosened
just like His grip on her hair
and it doesn't take long
for both of them
to turn
their backs
their hearts
their minds
on each other
until He reaches back out
wraps His warm
all encompassing hands
around her long
soft neck
while fear rushes
through her
mind
heart
down to her fingertips
she also feels the
addictive shake
of His voice growling in her ear
again
again again
'that's My girl'
Nov 19, 2018
Nov 19, 2018 at 12:16 PM UTC
Replaced
In all the roles I used to fill
And hearts I used to occupy
In all the minds of those
who mine is always thinking of
Sincerely
Horrible
Fat
Ugly
Stupid
Deceived
Fat
Morbidly obese
in ways most people
can't contemplate even
if they tried
Tired
To the point where
my muscles ache
and everything is a chore
Including breathing
Lost
Like a pin
dropped in the sea
Just
so gone
that no one will ever
even try to find me
Alone
Because my best friend
has a new one
And my boy
well
he's just fine
Stupid
For ever thinking
that I was worth
more than I am
That I was worth
anything at all
Freedom
To destroy myself
in ways
I couldn't
I wouldn't
Before
Sep 8, 2018
Sep 8, 2018 at 7:43 PM UTC
When did I fall in love with being this way?
When did I start to crave
not craving at all?
When did piercing stomach pain
and headaches
and gashes
become the epitome of beauty?
When did this happen?
Why do I love something so much
that I will never attain?
Why do I pledge my loyalty to the mirror
and turn around to pledge towards the refrigerator?
Why do I refuse to eat it
but my stomach looks like cottage cheese?
Why can I not get there?
How could I let this happen?
How could I promise to be pure
while pouring more sugar?
How did I think this was going to work?
How can I make it okay?
Who would even notice?
Who would say anything concerning
the fat girl
becoming thin?
Who needs to know?
Who would actually try to stop me?
Where did my passion go?
Where did I think those calories would end up?
Where,
here,
on me.
Where did I forget the pride
of walking on deaths line?
What can I do now?
What plan,
course of action,
do I take now?
What option is the least destructive
so I can take the opposite path?
What would Red do?
Aug 29, 2018
Aug 29, 2018 at 3:26 PM UTC
It's only human to want to cry when your entire life seems
to fall apart
It only makes sense that when your mind bends you do everything
to make it all stop
It's totally normal when your heart crunches in your rib cage causing blades to dance across your skin
It's just need when I hold another body close to me in order to
forget about you
It's okay they all say but they don't know about the people living in
my head telling me what to do
It's totally fine to skip a couple of the times you're supposed to eat
at least if it makes those jeans fit
It's just something about music so loud your eardrums bleed
that seems to help us breathe
It's only human
Apr 26, 2018
Apr 26, 2018 at 1:34 PM UTC
So
You told me things
I didn't want to hear
You told me things
That I did
You told me things
I needed to hear
You told me things
That I didn't
I cried
on your chest
You cried
on my shoulder
We cried
holding each other
Tight
And
I didn't mean to
You didn't mean to
But
when your lips
grazed my lips
I felt golden again
I now know
You and I are very similar
In how we think
In how we want
In how we avoid
Cheap cigarette smoke
The scent of your hair
The feel of your skin
Burning against mine
I know now
You love me
just like I love you
Apr 10, 2018
Apr 10, 2018 at 10:14 AM UTC
*****
A bit
Obscene
Just a few kisses
Between my knees
Please
Don't make me beg anymore
Like a ***** *****
I am not her
But I want you
Till it hurts
Just place your hands
On my burning skin
And
Grab, squeeze, scratch
Till my head spins
Just a little *****
Just a little more
Make me a pretty princess
And the nastiest of ******
Apr 9, 2018
Apr 9, 2018 at 12:39 PM UTC
How many
more pounds to go?
Well let's see
I drank some tea
and that was 0 calories
Also had some coffee
for the energy
I can't produce on my own anymore
0
****
I also had a granola bar
that's another scar on my record
that's 140
And that salad tonight
that was a real fight
with mom
it was also 205 but
lets round it up to 300 to be safe
And all of this
together, 440
What would you even call me?
A pig for these 440
little monsters
Little ******* sewing my
jeans tighter over night
I have to fight to get there
How many more pounds
are left to lose?
440 calories
and the weight of my bones
Mar 16, 2018
Mar 16, 2018 at 11:32 AM UTC