Lotusthree11
55/F/Florida
I was born in Glendale, California to an artist and opera singer. Mom joined the Moonies and Dad became Dean of Music at UCLA. I went to college, got married, moved to Florida & raised four children on my own after 10 years of marriage. I own Lotus 3/11.
I am in misery
I am in misery
I am in misery
I am alone
I am alone
I am in misery
I can not take it too much longer
I am alone.
I am in misery
I am alone
I am unloved
But I am "loved"
With love that is an idea of me
I am a fraud
I am selfish
I am caring because it moves me to care
Because I care
No one truly knows me
No one is moved to know me
God help me.
I am a mystery
No one desires to solve me
But I know I'm not a mystery
To me
I am alone
I don't have anyone matching me
I don't have anyone to talk to
No where is safe
Every where there are knives
Stabbing me
I am pierced
My soul is in agony
Oh God!
I don't know what to do
I'm going to die
But I can't
I won't hurt the ones I love
No one understands
No one
Not one
And I depended on myself to be loving
And I failed
I failed
I am wrong. I am a misfit
I am tortured and stuck in in-between land
Jane Austin and
Elizabeth Barrett Browning
look at my walls
underneath wall papered
hydrangeas torn and flawed
I thought I was someone else then who I was
I am a fraud
A hypocrite
Without character
Someone under a light facing the mirror
I am the death of me
A thousand blankets I need
To hide from this cruel world
To hide me from me.
I am in misery.
Apr 7, 2021
Apr 7, 2021 at 10:53 PM UTC
Dear God,
I really have no one else to talk to. You know. I am alone.
I am alone.
No one wants me to be sad.
They have their own sadness.
I need more than a bandaid of offhand epithets.
I can't seem to take care of myself like I used to do.
And I am guilty of using opportunity to build myself up.
I'm losing my beauty.
And I'm afraid I'm losing my inner beauty too.
All I have now is determination to serve the ones you've given me.
And I'm failing them.
I'm failing me.
I need you to rescue me!
I don't know what to do.
People tell me to find a hobby.
A hobby?
My life is not a hobby.
My life is a mess.
I need help.
I don't want to fail.
It's all tricks and mirrors these days
Convincing others and myself I'm "okay"
But I'm far, far away from "okay"
I don't know what to do
I keep trying to escape from my suffering
My escapes are ruining my way out
I'm in pain God.
Gina used to rescue me and she's hiding.
I can't find her
She's lost in the tunnel that leads out of this life.
If I find her I'm afraid I will die.
Will I die?
Please don't let me die.
There must be a way to find her and bring her back to life.
Maybe she just fell asleep?
Is she in a coma?
What do I do?
Her dreams are stuck on the wrong side of the rainbow.
And she won't wake up.
Mar 11, 2021
Mar 11, 2021 at 12:53 AM UTC
Anguish
Anguish
Anguish
My body in a coil
My face wet with tears
My blankets wet with tears
Anguish
Feb 18, 2021
Feb 18, 2021 at 2:18 AM UTC
All this is but a moment and gone
Our hands held it
Kept it
Loved it
Until there was another one
And another
Our hands held it
Kept it
Loved it
Until there was another one
Our hands held it
Kept it
Loved it
But the moment was gone
Our hands dropped it
Lost it
Hated it
Until a moment full of moments
betrayed the moment here and gone
Our hands found it
Held it
Kept it
Touched it
All this is but a moment and gone
Feb 9, 2021
Feb 9, 2021 at 10:45 PM UTC
Warm, snuggled in your bed
Sleeping
Dreaming
My darling sweet
I pray the Lord your soul to keep
Holding your heart
in oceans deep
Full of comfort, ease and peace
Resting your mind
Lifting you up on
clouds of pretty buttercups
Where Angels fly and stars above
Surround you with God's care and love.
💞🙏💞🙏💞
Nov 29, 2020
Nov 29, 2020 at 1:36 PM UTC
You are an enigma to me
Yet I know you
Complex, mysterious, kind
Cool
Fun
Sweet
Yet always elusive
To me
Close to me
You hold yourself apart from me
But never do depart
I try to to get through your tall wall
Then, then, and only then
I know
You are like me
And this will always be
Are you real? Do you feel? Yes
And it causes me distress
How can it not?
When I am without?
You
A casual word, laughter in the day,
Wise words that you say
Complete me
You hold me at bay
Bringing me closer to you
Frustrating my longings too
I submit
I quit
And bring it up again
I beat my hands upon your chest
Yelling in my heart don't quit me again
Leaving me
Then holding me
Touching me
Teasing me
Do you not know how crazy you make me?
Am I paying for the sins made against thee?
I give you my all
And meet your wall
That protects me
In circles of heights that I cannot fly
Above
Oh, my love, my love, darling dove
Where goes thy heart in the midst of we?
When shall we ever truly meet?
Even though I trust you
I tremble
Even though you love me
I wonder
Will I ever kiss you?
Will you ever hold my hand?
Will I, who I am, haunting you
withstand?
You are calm
You are in control
This, I know
But you have my heart, you have my soul.
Please, my darling, my love, my star, don't ever go
Nov 22, 2020
Nov 22, 2020 at 2:55 PM UTC
I used to have a man
His clothes hung up next to mine
His boots spilled onto the closet floor
I used to have a man
His pressed shirts were buttoned the top to the third.
Clean jeans, wrangler, in a row.
His relatives' pictures on our dresser from ancient days of past... rodeos and portraits of his mother and his dad.
I used to have a man
Tools, belts, pick up and cologne
I used to have a man
Now he's gone and I'm alone.
I used to have a man
Jul 21, 2020
Jul 21, 2020 at 7:47 PM UTC
Good and Evil lived together
Living side by side
Evil didn't have a heart and killed Good in the night.
He tried to eat Good's heart but Evil spit the bite.
And since Good's heart was sacrificed, He fled outside her sight.
Where fire and brimstone thrash forever outside of Good's heart light.
Had Evil seen the light of day He would have found her heart
Good gave it as a present but Evil tore it apart.
He believed a lie and now will die without Good's heart to give...
all the love and light and kindness that would have made Him live.
Jul 14, 2020
Jul 14, 2020 at 1:03 PM UTC
There once was a Cowboy Prince who cupped a Butterfly in his hands. He promised to protect her and begged her to love him in his royal and pure romance.
She kissed him the way he taught her ... and he tied her wings to his back.
Behind her, though, innocents were attacked. Their muffled cries were silenced until the day he laughed.
She gasped, she cried, she begged for their lives and crumbled in his grasp.
So the King of the land saved her.
He told her His plan.
She cut her wings without fear or worry of man.
So her sword slayed her.
She was free.
The patrons stared. Her children were scared. The Prince was simply appalled. He was way too busy to see she was gone and partied all night long.
But up in the sky, she floated high, to the heavens and stars up above...
While below and behold the Cowboy swayed without wings to bear his fall.
Butterfly Princess stands with the King, the One who helps her fly... along with His angels and broken girls who the Cowboy Prince denied...
of truth and love and honor and protection from his evil hand.
Jun 26, 2020
Jun 26, 2020 at 9:30 PM UTC
Am I dead?
Dancing in the moonlight, I sang a soothing song. You laughed.
I live.
Clouds come in on puffy fluffs. You float away.
Until the morning tide.
Waters suffocate me. Your hand on my mouth, pressing down so my parents can't hear. Lights dance inside my eyes as I press my legs together.
It's too late. You impress me. Your seed has penetrated my womb and the child is born.
There's blood on my white pillow case. Shards of brick in my hair. A brick, broken in half on the floor.
My head is pounding, aching, throbbing.
My heart. Oh, my heart! It is dying.
Mar 11, 2020
Mar 11, 2020 at 7:03 PM UTC