It doesn't feel real
Life flickering by
A overly excited candle flame eager to burn unaware of the pending darkness coming to sallow every inch of its beautiful light
It still doesn't feel real
The boy in my nightmares don't look like you but feels like you the same hands pining and pulling, chaining me to you forever
forever your victim
Same scent smothering me as I am begging for it to end
It will never feel real
There is no surviving it
In the middle of the night you will feel his cold hands creeping around your waist slipping underneath you
Leaving ghostly bruises
Squeezing eyes shut reminding yourself he is not here
You are safe
But he is
He's in your mind
He made his home out of fear and insecurities
Windows made from your tears
Walls from the bruises kissing your skin
You are his home now
There is no life after this
No white ******* knight
No fucking hero
No ******* sweet boy or girl
that will come and build you back up.
To make you whole again
Aug 8, 2019
Aug 8, 2019 at 8:16 PM UTC
I love you
I love your smile,
I love your laugh,
Your crazy hair, your wild eyes.
I love the way the room shines to me when you appear
To me you are everything.
But you have a secret...
Dark, hidden disguised by the things I love.
You hold a love for something prevented and wrong
A secret not made for my ears.
But I love you
But is it wrong to love a monster that can look at such things
Such things that make my stomach churn and watery eyes leak.
I love you but not your hidden mind filled with things I wish I knew not
May 8, 2019
May 8, 2019 at 7:29 PM UTC
Eyes open you are there,
Eyes shut you are there,
Yet you are not truly here.
I feel your touch in the middle of the night.
Your warm hand on my cold cheek in the middle of the pouring rain,
Yet you are not here.
Your voice echos in my head bouncing around my skull sounding as if you are here, yet it is silent nothing to be heard but the now terrifying voice of you.
Your smell catches my attention everywhere I go, it follows every step I take and no matter how far I am it is there.
Sending me back through memories I now wish did not exist.
You are a ghost that will not leave me be.
You haunt my life preventing me from being me.
I just want to forget the heart breaking things you did,
I wish to no longer flinch away from touch,
I wish I could once eat the way I used to without feeling it burning back up,
I wish to sleep for once and not be taunted,
I wish there was a way to banish you from my mind.
Like an exorcisms
But for the living.
Because I shall be forever haunted by you
By us and what we used to be.
Oct 2, 2017
Oct 2, 2017 at 6:10 PM UTC
I once roamed the night sky with my hopefully baby blue eyes.
Now I stare at a dark, ceiling with hollow empty eyes.
I'd laugh so hard headaches marched in and my eyes watered with love, now tears burn my red cheeks with migraines causing storms.
I once danced so hard my feet ached for days now I can barely move from this dusty creaky chair hid away in this cluttered room.
I could sing for days with a bold smile on my face, my voice is now only filled with empty pain or vicious rage.
My dreams were full of delight and impossible wishes,
Nightmares filled their place with pain and death
I used to be as graceful and calm as a doe
Now I m frantic and fearful like cornered orphaned cub who watched her mother die.
My lungs used to fill with crisp clean air, now poison creeps into the darkest corners
Cool, clear water refreshed my lips now I sip stale beer destroying my liver each time without a care
The world was my play pit but now I am trapped inside these four walls ,which hold echos of who I used to be, they are now slowly closing in on me.
I am paying the world back for all the things I did not do.
I am trapped, there is no tunnel, no white, no door ,no way out.
I have been embraced by the pain, engulfed in madness and submerged by anger.
I once was loved, I once had a family
This house was once a home filled with laughter it now taunts me with the shadows of the past.
Apr 9, 2017
Apr 9, 2017 at 10:29 PM UTC
I speak
You yell
I scream
You force silence upon me
I just want to be heard, is that too much to ask for?
I want to change the world
You want to sit on your hands and moan
Oh I am so tired of this table tennis
Red spots begin to appear and my hands shake
Listen to me god **** it
I am not stupid! What I say matters!
Can you not see I do understand what you say
You have taught me I do not matter
What I say has no importance
Yet I sit here trying my hardest not to break
because all I want is for someone to listen
Someone to not yell or beat down what I say
You and many others have taught me that will never exists
Not with me, not with them.
Not even with those you think are more important than those you love.
You have proved my point.
A heavy sigh, a salty tear creasing red cheeks
As us the struggling youth are taught even more by those we love we will never matter and we can do nothing to change that.
Mar 31, 2017
Mar 31, 2017 at 6:52 PM UTC
I'm giving up.
I am giving in.
My body and mind can no longer take it.
My soul has been beaten and torn into shreds,
daggers and bullets ripped through the last pureness it held.
Nothing remains in the whole it once lived in, it's just cold and empty.
Very, very empty.
I hold my head high with a deadly look in my eye,
the look that will cause you to shudder, the look which will haunt your dreams.
The look of a dead person, a hollow dead person.
With nothing left to lose.
With nothing left to lose, it means you will and can do anything.
So I know what I am becoming ,I know what will happen,
I know it will be too late to stop it if I do not do it now.
But I do not care, not anymore.
I will become the thing the ones that love me beg me to run from,
I will become the thing that once terrified me.
I will run towards it with open arms.
While they all flee...from me, I will become nothing but a blood shadow on the bathroom floor by the end of it.
Because I do not want to feel,I do not want to be me.
I have no more fight in me-
No more strength.No more will to fix what is wrong and make it right.
I am giving in.
I'm giving up.
Feb 2, 2017
Feb 2, 2017 at 5:21 PM UTC
Before I met you I thought happy ever afters
where just a myth.
A silly tale to hush the small ones
to give pointless hope.
That was until I met you.
The day you walked in
I began to hope pointlessly.
To dream, dreams that will never happen.
My messy mind began to be cleaned
My hollow chest began to fill
No more tear stained cheeks and blood stained sheets.
My heart would jump at your smell
My mind calmed when you pulled me to your chest.
That was when I met you.
But now I know the truth.
Happy ever after does not exist.
You left me in a heart beat as stuff got rough.
We had been through worse,
but this time I wasn't enough.
You claimed I'd not loved you enough
Or that you were no longer enough.
That I found someone else.
There was no one else.
My heart had been broken
You saved it until that night
You murdered it
I wish I had died the last time I laid in your arms.
Because we will never make another memory
Sep 18, 2016
Sep 18, 2016 at 5:41 PM UTC
Here I am again,
writing these ****** poems
trying to find a way to get out how I feel.
But nothing really works..
I drowning in front of everyone
Who claim they care
My legs are bleeding from the pretty little marks
left from a ****** blade and a twitching hand.
Tear-stained ,puffy cheeks and mascara smuged
glossy eyes
Begging for someone to show they care
But who really does cares at the end of the day?
My mind is racing with ****** up thoughts
And merciless images of my body lying there..
Or hanging there.
****** wrist hanging over a once innocent white bath
now a pinky stained colour.
Drip drip drip
it rolls of the lifeless fingertips
Splasing the grey floor
The noise taunts my ******* mind
Begging me to run and do it
Knuckles all bloody,broken
A dented, freshly painted red wall
Another impulse
caused by the anger pulsing in my veins.
But who really cares?
No one ******* knows how bad it's got
They all think it's all okay...
Now don't get me wrong
I've screamed for help,
begged like a ******* dog.
But like I said...
Who the **** really cares?
I'm drinking my life away
Clawing and carving my skin
To help the pain
I've planned it all
Just waiting for the right moment
I don't want to be saved
I don't want love
I don't believe in hope
Not anymore
So I'll sit here for now
Writing these ****** poems
Waiting
Waiting
Waiting
For the right moment to go
When no one is watching the little girl in her room
with the craved up legs and a broken smile.
She will, I will disappear into the night
Into deaths welcoming arms
Once and for all
Jul 24, 2016
Jul 24, 2016 at 7:49 PM UTC
when your body burnt to ashes-
I stopped believing that God was real
If He was real, why weren't my prayers answered
Why wasn't all my tears on New Years Eve accounted for
Why wasn't I even gifted enough to say goodbye one last time
I stopped believing love is real
It wasn't strong enough to keep you from leaving
It wasn't true enough to make you last one more night
Everything I had grown to love was built on a lie
when my friend fell into pieces-
I stopped believing that strength is real
If you could fight all the years of pain, why was this one any harder?
If he was tough as steel, why did the tears run down his face?
Everything I had grown to believe was built on a lie
I stopped believing in promises
You said you loved each other and then you both hated each other
You said I would get better and yet I find myself thinking of a million different ways I could take away all of this
Everything I had tried to put my faith in, was a lie
This life is nothing, and I am nothing.
I have nothing to lose and I give up.
Death, you win.
May 15, 2016
May 15, 2016 at 3:04 PM UTC