I still hear the beeping of machines,
I still hear the sound of the children crying,
I still feel the pain in my stomach,
I still feel the needles taking blood for one more test,
But it was never the last.
I feel all of it as if I’m still there.
I close my eyes and I’m back in the gown
Being put under anaesthesia,
Yet a few months before it was nothing,
They told me it was anxiety,
That it was all in my head,
Yet soon after I’m lying in a hospital bed.
Appointment after appointment,
Test after test,
They say it’s all fine now,
But I’m not.
The ache in my chest every time I think about it never goes away,
Every tiny bit of pain takes me back,
Back to the machines,
Back to the children crying and the pain,
Back into that bed,
Into that gown,
It’s stuck in my head,
The looks from strangers and their sympathy,
I was a child,
Will it ever go away?
May 11
May 11, 2026 at 1:59 PM UTC
You don’t realise all the lasts that you thought you would do over and over again,
Your mum doing your hair in the morning too tight,
Your dad picking you up and spinning you around,
Picking daisies on the field with your friends,
Hugging each other tight and swearing you would never leave.
Then you moved to secondary,
You do your own hair,
Adding makeup in now.
Your dad doesn’t pick you up anymore,
You don’t pick the daisies,
You’ve all gone your separate ways,
Suddenly everything that once felt so close feels so far.
When your little you wish you could grow up.
When you grow up you wish you could go back.
Wishing you could go back to drawing with chalk on the pavement,
Running to school to see your friends,
We had it so easy when we were little.
Now you just stay inside,
You walk slowly to school,
You only have a few friends,
That’s all you need.
Telling yourself to get through the day
Just wanting to go home,
I wish I was little again.
I miss the too tight ponytails,
The chalk drawings,
The daisies,
And the hugs.
I miss the happiness,
The laughter,
The colour everything was once so full of.
Now everything’s dull,
And quiet.
Take in all those things you take for granted because you never know when you will do it for the last time.
May 11
May 11, 2026 at 1:58 PM UTC
The wind in your hair
The sun on your cheeks
How I miss the times we were young and free
The deep conversations
Watching the sunsets day after day
Nothing else mattered when it was just you and me
I miss us
The way things used to be
How I wish I could go back to the times we were young and free
It’s been months since I last spoke to you
It’s like you don’t even notice me
I tried for a while to get you to talk to me
But I realised it was a waste of my energy
I love you
I always will
But I can’t stand by and watch you anymore
Destroying myself because I didn’t want to lose you
So I think back to the sunsets
The deep conversations
And wind in your hair
I think about how much I love you
And how this just isn’t fair
Apr 17
Apr 17, 2026 at 6:42 PM UTC
This is my life
The tears and the smiles
The joys and the cries
No matter what happens it will always be mine
I am in control
Even when it feels like I’m not
I always have a choice
Yes or no is my desision
I might not enjoy my life all the time
Sometimes I really don’t like it
I wish I could leave it
Fly away far far from it
But sometimes I wouldn’t trade it for the world
Because it’s mine
I am in control
My life
Apr 17
Apr 17, 2026 at 6:40 PM UTC
Your worth more than you think you are
your more than the little voice in your head that tells you your not enough
Your more than the people at school who laugh at you when you talk
Your more than the piece of gum under your shoe
You are yourself and that will always be enough
No matter what anyone says
No matter how many words and comments get stuck in your head
You are worth so much more than you believe
Forget them and their whispers
‘Look at her hair’
‘Why’s she so quiet’
They don’t mean anything when you know your self worth
Don’t limit yourself
Don’t push yourself away
That hole you dug
Fill it back up
Stay above the water
Learn to swim
Because all you will ever have is yourself so don’t lose that now
And always remember than you are enough
Mar 3
Mar 3, 2026 at 5:36 PM UTC
Christmas is tomorrow but I don’t feel the joys
The laughter the fun none of it feels the same
The magic is gone and it will never be the same as it was when I was a kid
I wish I could go back to those days
When I would wake up exited to see what Santa got me
Waiting to see if I’d been a good girl all year
Running into my parents room at the crack of dawn with my brother to open presents
Christmas Eve full of excitement
All we could talk about was what we hope Santa got us
We prayed he got us the things we so carefully wrote neatly on our colourful paper decorated and drew on just for him
Leaving carrots and mince pies outside before bed eagerly lying there waiting to see if we could hear Santa come but we would always fall asleep before he came
Those were the times
The joys and magic of Christmas
Now just gone
Christmas is tomorrow but I don’t feel the joys
Mar 3
Mar 3, 2026 at 5:35 PM UTC
I love the way her eyes glisten in the sun
I love the way her hair shines as she sways
I love her smile and her slightly crooked front tooth
I love how when she laughs she has a little wrinkle below her right eye
I love how smart she is and how kind she is to everyone she meets
Her eyes are like oceans bright and blue
Her hands warm and soft in the winters gloom
Her cheeks rosy when the flowers no longer bloom
Her lips bright and smooth as her tongue glides across them
She’s everything to me
I love everything about her
Yet she knows nothing about me
I watch her gaze at everyone but me
I wish she would see me
The way I gaze at her how she gazes at everyone else
The way I admire everything about her and more
Yet she will never see me
Mar 3
Mar 3, 2026 at 5:35 PM UTC
The walls are piling up
Brick by brick
Stone by stone
They’re all around me blocking me in
Towering above my head
And while no one can get in
I can’t get out
I’m stuck
All alone with no one to call
No one’s coming to help me
So the walls get taller
Every day they just keep towering above me
Higher and higher
Like they’re waiting for something to knock them down
To let people in
and to let me out
Mar 3
Mar 3, 2026 at 5:34 PM UTC
I lied
I’m not tough
I put on a smile everyday but inside I’m praying they will notice I’m not ok
Yet when they do I just push them away
The thoughts in my head building up till I can barely get out of bed
I lied
I can’t do this alone
But I’ve got no one to hold me so I just sit around at home
Mar 3
Mar 3, 2026 at 5:33 PM UTC
You didn’t know it but one day you drew with chalk on the path in the front garden and you would never do it again
You didn’t know it but one day you would stop knocking on your neighbours door to ask them to come over and instead you would just stay inside all day
You didn’t know it but one day you would go from always wanting to go to school to dreading it
That’s the thing about growing up
You don’t realise how fast it’s happening
I would do anything to be that little girl waking up in the summer and drawing with her chalk one last time
Instead now I worry about grades and calories and what people think about me
Things I never worried about when I would knock on my neighbours door in the afternoon to play
Mar 3
Mar 3, 2026 at 5:33 PM UTC